There seems to be this communication block between black men and black women. It’s like we say something and they hear something else. Then they say something and we hear something completely different. It’s like we are each hearing our inadequacies coming out of the other’s mouth and no matter what is said to the contrary that is all we hear or recognize.
What got me on this train of thought was the recent statement by Slim Thug (ST). If you are oblivious to him and what he said that enraged so many check this link here Slim Thug's take on Black Women. Truthfully, I was oblivious to his existence until my Twitter timeline (TT) exploded with angry tweets directed at him.
Anyhoodles, I’ve already done my post on what I think of men who proclaim to the world that they don’t date black women for xyz reasons On Dating Black Women. So really, I didn’t pay him much mind after I found out he fell into that category. I read his blurb without emotion. Actually it struck me within the first few sentences that perhaps he had tried to approach a black woman in a socio-economic, educational background that was much higher than his own and he had been shot down. I figured that was his issue and blew him off and moved onto the next topic.
But then I really started to think on what he had said and realized that perhaps there was another way to take what he had said. Cuz though I didn’t get emotional about it A LOT of people did. Just three below.
Miss Jia Miss Jia's thoughts on ST.
Shamontiel Shamontiel's Response.
Marc Lamont Hill Response.
I imagine there are more but again, I don’t think that topic deserves that much of my time. Cuz as I see it the problem isn’t just black centric it’s people centric. Over half of US marriages end in divorce. Since 70% or more of black women are unmarried that means that everyone else is having just as many problems keeping a mate as black women are having finding one.
As the government keeps telling the world black folk only make up 12% of the USA. Black women are a little more than half of that 12%. So in reality it would seem that more non-black folk are having a hard time keeping a mate than we are finding one. Given the difficulties associated with the break up and dissolution of a marriage, perhaps that ain’t as bad a thing as people try to make it sound. Just my humble opinion.
Japanese women have surpassed their men in education and therefore in the job marketplace. They are making more, smarter and are putting aside the traditional female roles in Japanese society. In other words, they are refusing to take a backseat to a man when they are working just as hard and making just as much money if not more than their mate. They’d rather do without a mate. They are facing a crisis becuz when you think that way, you don’t have any babies. Soon, there won’t be enough young people to keep up the infrastructure. They are advising Japanese women to do the same thing that ST seems to be advising black women.
Lower your standards when it comes to getting a black man as your mate.
*sigh* I really don’t want to and I really don’t see why I should have to. I hear so many black men telling anyone who will listen that ‘We use to be kings and queens.’ Um, if you knew your history you would know not everyone was a king or queen. SOME of us come from royalty. Just some. Take it down a few thousand guys cuz the way most of you sound I don’t feel any royalty coming off you. *shrug*
A look at the histories in many Caucasian cultures (cuz that’s all I got right now) shows that in the past it was not unusual for a woman to marry beneath her station and vice versa and look what Caucasian folk have achieved, world dominance. Yes, I know how and I ain’t here to discuss this on this post. If we could have done it we would have so I’m not going there right now…if ever.
Caucasian folk often married (marry) different classes to form powerful alliances via money, land, etc. Governments were sometimes built and/or destroyed just due to the right or wrong marital alliances. There was always something to be gained by such alliances.
See I can see another way to look at what ST is saying. Right now there doesn’t seem to be that many successful black men out there. Of those that are successful, some are openingly gay, some are confirmed bachelors, and some are seeking exotic women. It’s a mess out here.
As usual, the onus is being put on black women to continue the black race…by any means necessary. That means marrying someone not as educated, not as cultured, not as refined, not as wise (if you got more than 2 kids with more than 1 baby momma you ain’t too wise in my book), not as articulate and perhaps not even as ambitious. That means knowing that you can run circles around this man in every way possible and still respecting him enough to take the backseat and let him be the head of the household even though your income is the reason the household exists. In essence taking the backseat to a man who didn’t have the sense to try to take the same law abiding road out of poverty that you did. *nervous system attempts to shut down*
I can’t do it. I tried. He got on my last gotdamned nerve.
For those who have more patience and are not quite as spoiled as my simple azz is you are undertaking a wonderful thing for the future.
Basically, as I look at it, what ST might be saying is that black women are going to have put aside our wants and expectations and accept the black men who are available as they are. You, who can do it, will have to marry and/or have children and raise up the children in hopes that the next generation will benefit from your sacrifice. Each generation of black women will have to refine and refine each generation of black men until there actually are a lot of good black men.
In other words, y’all gonna have to be strong black women again.
For those of you who undertake this cause please make note of the following numbers becuz some of you are going to need them:
Alcoholics Anonymous (212) 870-3400
Narcotics Anonymous (818) 773-9999
Gamblers Anonymous (213) 386-8789
House of Ruth 909-988-5559
Suicide Prevention Hotline 1-800-273-TALK (ooooh a toll free number they mean business)
It’s not going to be easy trying to uplift the black man, mostly on your own and without him knowing it too. You will more than likely never get the credit for it but in the end it will be worth it. Again, I salute you who choose this unselfish, self-sacrificing path.
Good luck with that.
*opens sex toys website*
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Time to get focused.
I had an epiphany moment a few days ago. I was relaxing, looking at my tt and laughing at the shenanigans there. I was trying to decide which one of the other online blogs I was going to check out next when a thought occurred to me. A question really.
Where would I be if Twitter and x, y, z blogs had existed back when I was still an administrative assistant? The answer came swiftly. I would still be sitting in that spot, unhappy, still an admin, underpaid and at a dead end in my career.
*shudder* That realization shook me. The words blurred on the screen as I remembered were I had worked my way up from. What if I was still there? It gave me a start.
You see before Twitter and the other online spots I like to chat in came into being I spent my lunch hour and evenings job hunting. Looking for my next challenge. I don’t do that now and I’m beginning to feel the effects of my change in habits.
Now I will get started again. Everyone needs a little play time. I’ve played enough on this level. I wanna play with some new people in some new places who think. Yeah that’s it. People who actually just think for a change instead of having thoughts and ideas given to them.
I still got a couple blog posts to finish. I’ll try to get to them if I need a diversion. Somehow, I don’t think I will need a diversion. I have things to do. However, I would like to finish them and post them. My notes to a future me.
*smiles at something that I can’t quite explain*
Where would I be if Twitter and x, y, z blogs had existed back when I was still an administrative assistant? The answer came swiftly. I would still be sitting in that spot, unhappy, still an admin, underpaid and at a dead end in my career.
*shudder* That realization shook me. The words blurred on the screen as I remembered were I had worked my way up from. What if I was still there? It gave me a start.
You see before Twitter and the other online spots I like to chat in came into being I spent my lunch hour and evenings job hunting. Looking for my next challenge. I don’t do that now and I’m beginning to feel the effects of my change in habits.
Now I will get started again. Everyone needs a little play time. I’ve played enough on this level. I wanna play with some new people in some new places who think. Yeah that’s it. People who actually just think for a change instead of having thoughts and ideas given to them.
I still got a couple blog posts to finish. I’ll try to get to them if I need a diversion. Somehow, I don’t think I will need a diversion. I have things to do. However, I would like to finish them and post them. My notes to a future me.
*smiles at something that I can’t quite explain*
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
The Fabulous One (TFO)
This probably won’t be as long and as detailed as it would have once been. All the negative energy I held toward her is, for the most part, gone.
The two of us met just a few months before we met TPL. We just clicked right away. She’s about 6 years my junior but we are both Sagittarians.
Yeah. I do put a bit of stock in those star signs. Not enough to try and predict my future or anything like that. It’s just that there are certain characteristics that I have found that people born under some signs do seem to share. I always click with other Sags without a problem no matter what color they happen to be. All except MOS. Again…she is another long azz post. Maybe several posts. *eye roll*
We both are ambitious. She taught me some things about job hunting and just opened my mind to a lot of things that had never occurred to me. She is in the category of people who helped me grow becuz they wanted to. She introduced me to black literature. Yes, I had to be introduced to it. Besides what I had read in school, which was the old stuff, I had never sought any out and no one I knew was reading black writers. Ain’t that sad? Especially, since ALL my friends and acquaintences read for pleasure. Since the majority of them are black that’s pretty sad that I had to introduce black literature to our group.
Now, we all read black writers regularly.
Anyway, then we met TPL. We met him one day over lunch. As we left the lunch room our eyes met and we burst out laughing cuz TPL was totally off the chain. He MADE lunch time fun time.
Man we had some great times back then. We worked hard and fast so we could have plenty of time to cut up at lunch. That’s where our great 3some started. Please remove your head from the gutter. It was totally a platonic 3some.
TFO and I use to get together for dinner out once a month. She had one kid and a live in boyfriend back then so once/month was all she could manage. Really that was all I could manage too. I had an apartment, no roommate and was saving for a car. So my pennies were spoken for too but it was great to have someone to hang out with who loved to laugh as much as me.
Funny how my crybaby harpy (as TDP would say) friends are still here but the good time buddies are in the wind. I’m not saying that’s a bad thing it’s just interesting. Cuz when our 3some ended they were all too happy to welcome me back with no reproach. Yeah, it’s really interesting.
My harpies couldn’t stand TPL and TFO cuz soon TPL was joining us for dinner and that was a wrap for the harpies for awhile. I was no longer at their beck and call. I had friends that I could make plans with and hang out and have a GOOD time with. I didn’t have to hear their same old complaints time and time again causing me indigestion cuz the heffas had no intention of changing their situation. They just wanted to dump that negative energy on someone else.
NOTE TO ALL HARPIES: If you want to convince your single friends that they should couple up with anyone they can find and have a baby no matter what the situation then your azz should call them when you are happy some damn time. Yeah, heffas, I’m saying.
We had a couple years of fun.
You know, in retrospect, I should have paid a lot more attention when TPL said this:
I don’t keep friends long becuz someone is always lying and then I end up having to tell them about themselves.
Or something to that effect. Yeah…he never said he wouldn’t be one of the people lying.
Chile, a lot of lying and disrespecting went on that took our friendship to its inevitable end. I think what tore it was this last incident.
TFO had suddenly gotten into the habit of telling me and TPL that she would meet us somewhere for dinner and then not show up. She wouldn’t call nor would she answer our calls. When we finally got a hold of her there would be no explanation and no apology.
This went on for many months till one day she called me sounding really depressed about a situation going on in her life. I asked if she wanted to get together and talk. She said yes. She picked the place and the time.
Ok, it was at this restaurant in this really dangerous area of town known for its heavy drug traffic. But a friend was in need so I went.
I get there. It’s winter time so its pitch black over there at the time she picked. I park in the small parking lot and wait becuz I didn’t see her car. I decide to give her half an hour and then I was going home. I felt pretty safe sitting in my car cuz every few minutes or so a police car would drive by.
But this little voice in the back of my mind kept saying: get out of the car. Over and over again and I kept getting more and more anxious for no apparent reason. So finally after about 12 minutes I got out of the car and headed into the restaurant. The police car went by again as I went inside. In that 12 minute period I had seen what I thought were 4-5 different cop cars. When I got inside I called her cell and home. No answer as usual.
I went back to my car and went home. I was livid! This place is clear on the other side of town from me mind you! This happened on a Friday night. You know that heffa didn’t call me the whole weekend. I did call TPL and told him about it and we decided that was it. We just wouldn’t invite her out with us anymore if that was how she was going to treat us. And neither of us were going anywhere with her alone again. No telling if she would show or not. And we didn’t know why. She refused to even discuss what was up with her.
So Monday morning I get to work and sign into my computer. Back then my messenger was set up to sign in as soon as I turned on my computer. An IM from her pops up. I ignore it and switch my presence to invisible. So she calls my work number. She is fine. No explanations. Doesn’t even bring up the fact that she left me in a drug infested area at night alone without the benefit of a call.
So I ask: Where the hell were you? I came clear the fuk across town for you and you were nowhere to be found and you didn’t answer your damn phone!
You know what her response was: Why didn’t you call before you left your house?
So I guess, if I had called before I left home and not gotten an answer I was to take from that that she was not going to show up. Bytch! WTF?
But you know what. I dropped it. It wasn’t worth it and evidently she didn’t think our friendship was worth it and I was done.
So my supervisor noticed and asked me what was going on after I hung up the phone. I told her what happened Friday and the incredulous look on her face said it all for me. I wasn’t crazy and I had a right to feel the way I felt. Then she schooled me.
She said that a person like that doesn’t care about you. They don’t care about your personal safety. That is a person who would have no problem hurting you for any reason.
That thought kind of scared me cuz that had never crossed my mind.
Then she said that I should be glad I listened to that little worrying voice. She knew the area too and she said that was probably the same cop driving back and forth. He probably had put a timer on how long he was going to let me sit before he came and investigated my presence there.
I said so, I didn’t have any drugs on me. She asked did I have any cash on me. Well, Friday had been payday and I had withdrawn quite a bit of cash to hang out and do stuff over the weekend. She said then he would have assumed that I was there to buy drugs. And since TFO wasn’t answering her phone so that she could corroborate my story he could have pulled me in for questioning. Then with it being a weekend they could have held me over till Monday at which time I would probably end up jobless when I called from jail to say I couldn’t make it to work and why.
Yeah you read that right. I had no guile back in my 20s. I would have called my supervisor and told her everything that had happened.
I looked at her in shock and before I could ask the question she answered it. I would have been jobless becuz our employer does not employ people under suspicion by the police of illegal activities. If nothing else they could have charged me with and convicted me of loitering. After all no girlfriend showed up and there was no one answering the number I would have given the police.
So yeah…I was done with TFO that day. I told that to TPL. He thought I was kidding. It took years for him to realize it. I think he thought as the years went on that I would soften. I’m not hard. I’m just done. I told him he was welcome to be friends with her but I was done.
His lying azz of course tells me he doesn’t talk to her anymore. *smh* But see, even though I don’t talk to TFO anymore she finds a way to communicate with me. See every time I tell TPL something juicy that is going on in my life TFO will send me a joke or inspirational email. I never respond but I got the message. TPL just passed along whatever bit of juice I gave him to her. *chuckle* I don’t care really cuz I never give him anything that I don’t want him to have. Nothing truly private just funny stuff that happens in my life. Like meeting HKS on North Avenue. Oh and by the way, that restaurant that I was to meet TFO at that night is located on a side street directly off of North Avenue. *chuckle*
He has tried a few times to get us back together. One day he cajoled and cajoled me until I told him I would think about it. But I told him that I had no intention of going through that foolishness of her standing us up anymore. I had shyt to do in my own life.
So he emailed her, cc’ing me, asking her about that. I forget how he worded it but he kind of jokingly alluded to her standing us up and asking had she changed. You know that heffa didn’t answer his question. She had been answering his emails up to that point though. After about 20 mins of her not answering he sent an email about something else. She responded to that email immediately but never answered his question about standing us up.
And I remained done. I called him on the phone and told him to have fun at dinner. He stopped trying after that.
So that is the short (hah) story of my friendship with TFO. There are a lot of bad stories I could tell but there are also some really funny stories I could tell. I let go of the bad so that I could hold on to the good stuff. I don’t know what was going on in her life and I guess she didn’t feel she could trust me with it. That’s a shame cuz she lost a good friend.
*Tips Welch’s Mango Passion Fruit juice at the monitor*
The two of us met just a few months before we met TPL. We just clicked right away. She’s about 6 years my junior but we are both Sagittarians.
Yeah. I do put a bit of stock in those star signs. Not enough to try and predict my future or anything like that. It’s just that there are certain characteristics that I have found that people born under some signs do seem to share. I always click with other Sags without a problem no matter what color they happen to be. All except MOS. Again…she is another long azz post. Maybe several posts. *eye roll*
We both are ambitious. She taught me some things about job hunting and just opened my mind to a lot of things that had never occurred to me. She is in the category of people who helped me grow becuz they wanted to. She introduced me to black literature. Yes, I had to be introduced to it. Besides what I had read in school, which was the old stuff, I had never sought any out and no one I knew was reading black writers. Ain’t that sad? Especially, since ALL my friends and acquaintences read for pleasure. Since the majority of them are black that’s pretty sad that I had to introduce black literature to our group.
Now, we all read black writers regularly.
Anyway, then we met TPL. We met him one day over lunch. As we left the lunch room our eyes met and we burst out laughing cuz TPL was totally off the chain. He MADE lunch time fun time.
Man we had some great times back then. We worked hard and fast so we could have plenty of time to cut up at lunch. That’s where our great 3some started. Please remove your head from the gutter. It was totally a platonic 3some.
TFO and I use to get together for dinner out once a month. She had one kid and a live in boyfriend back then so once/month was all she could manage. Really that was all I could manage too. I had an apartment, no roommate and was saving for a car. So my pennies were spoken for too but it was great to have someone to hang out with who loved to laugh as much as me.
Funny how my crybaby harpy (as TDP would say) friends are still here but the good time buddies are in the wind. I’m not saying that’s a bad thing it’s just interesting. Cuz when our 3some ended they were all too happy to welcome me back with no reproach. Yeah, it’s really interesting.
My harpies couldn’t stand TPL and TFO cuz soon TPL was joining us for dinner and that was a wrap for the harpies for awhile. I was no longer at their beck and call. I had friends that I could make plans with and hang out and have a GOOD time with. I didn’t have to hear their same old complaints time and time again causing me indigestion cuz the heffas had no intention of changing their situation. They just wanted to dump that negative energy on someone else.
NOTE TO ALL HARPIES: If you want to convince your single friends that they should couple up with anyone they can find and have a baby no matter what the situation then your azz should call them when you are happy some damn time. Yeah, heffas, I’m saying.
We had a couple years of fun.
You know, in retrospect, I should have paid a lot more attention when TPL said this:
I don’t keep friends long becuz someone is always lying and then I end up having to tell them about themselves.
Or something to that effect. Yeah…he never said he wouldn’t be one of the people lying.
Chile, a lot of lying and disrespecting went on that took our friendship to its inevitable end. I think what tore it was this last incident.
TFO had suddenly gotten into the habit of telling me and TPL that she would meet us somewhere for dinner and then not show up. She wouldn’t call nor would she answer our calls. When we finally got a hold of her there would be no explanation and no apology.
This went on for many months till one day she called me sounding really depressed about a situation going on in her life. I asked if she wanted to get together and talk. She said yes. She picked the place and the time.
Ok, it was at this restaurant in this really dangerous area of town known for its heavy drug traffic. But a friend was in need so I went.
I get there. It’s winter time so its pitch black over there at the time she picked. I park in the small parking lot and wait becuz I didn’t see her car. I decide to give her half an hour and then I was going home. I felt pretty safe sitting in my car cuz every few minutes or so a police car would drive by.
But this little voice in the back of my mind kept saying: get out of the car. Over and over again and I kept getting more and more anxious for no apparent reason. So finally after about 12 minutes I got out of the car and headed into the restaurant. The police car went by again as I went inside. In that 12 minute period I had seen what I thought were 4-5 different cop cars. When I got inside I called her cell and home. No answer as usual.
I went back to my car and went home. I was livid! This place is clear on the other side of town from me mind you! This happened on a Friday night. You know that heffa didn’t call me the whole weekend. I did call TPL and told him about it and we decided that was it. We just wouldn’t invite her out with us anymore if that was how she was going to treat us. And neither of us were going anywhere with her alone again. No telling if she would show or not. And we didn’t know why. She refused to even discuss what was up with her.
So Monday morning I get to work and sign into my computer. Back then my messenger was set up to sign in as soon as I turned on my computer. An IM from her pops up. I ignore it and switch my presence to invisible. So she calls my work number. She is fine. No explanations. Doesn’t even bring up the fact that she left me in a drug infested area at night alone without the benefit of a call.
So I ask: Where the hell were you? I came clear the fuk across town for you and you were nowhere to be found and you didn’t answer your damn phone!
You know what her response was: Why didn’t you call before you left your house?
So I guess, if I had called before I left home and not gotten an answer I was to take from that that she was not going to show up. Bytch! WTF?
But you know what. I dropped it. It wasn’t worth it and evidently she didn’t think our friendship was worth it and I was done.
So my supervisor noticed and asked me what was going on after I hung up the phone. I told her what happened Friday and the incredulous look on her face said it all for me. I wasn’t crazy and I had a right to feel the way I felt. Then she schooled me.
She said that a person like that doesn’t care about you. They don’t care about your personal safety. That is a person who would have no problem hurting you for any reason.
That thought kind of scared me cuz that had never crossed my mind.
Then she said that I should be glad I listened to that little worrying voice. She knew the area too and she said that was probably the same cop driving back and forth. He probably had put a timer on how long he was going to let me sit before he came and investigated my presence there.
I said so, I didn’t have any drugs on me. She asked did I have any cash on me. Well, Friday had been payday and I had withdrawn quite a bit of cash to hang out and do stuff over the weekend. She said then he would have assumed that I was there to buy drugs. And since TFO wasn’t answering her phone so that she could corroborate my story he could have pulled me in for questioning. Then with it being a weekend they could have held me over till Monday at which time I would probably end up jobless when I called from jail to say I couldn’t make it to work and why.
Yeah you read that right. I had no guile back in my 20s. I would have called my supervisor and told her everything that had happened.
I looked at her in shock and before I could ask the question she answered it. I would have been jobless becuz our employer does not employ people under suspicion by the police of illegal activities. If nothing else they could have charged me with and convicted me of loitering. After all no girlfriend showed up and there was no one answering the number I would have given the police.
So yeah…I was done with TFO that day. I told that to TPL. He thought I was kidding. It took years for him to realize it. I think he thought as the years went on that I would soften. I’m not hard. I’m just done. I told him he was welcome to be friends with her but I was done.
His lying azz of course tells me he doesn’t talk to her anymore. *smh* But see, even though I don’t talk to TFO anymore she finds a way to communicate with me. See every time I tell TPL something juicy that is going on in my life TFO will send me a joke or inspirational email. I never respond but I got the message. TPL just passed along whatever bit of juice I gave him to her. *chuckle* I don’t care really cuz I never give him anything that I don’t want him to have. Nothing truly private just funny stuff that happens in my life. Like meeting HKS on North Avenue. Oh and by the way, that restaurant that I was to meet TFO at that night is located on a side street directly off of North Avenue. *chuckle*
He has tried a few times to get us back together. One day he cajoled and cajoled me until I told him I would think about it. But I told him that I had no intention of going through that foolishness of her standing us up anymore. I had shyt to do in my own life.
So he emailed her, cc’ing me, asking her about that. I forget how he worded it but he kind of jokingly alluded to her standing us up and asking had she changed. You know that heffa didn’t answer his question. She had been answering his emails up to that point though. After about 20 mins of her not answering he sent an email about something else. She responded to that email immediately but never answered his question about standing us up.
And I remained done. I called him on the phone and told him to have fun at dinner. He stopped trying after that.
So that is the short (hah) story of my friendship with TFO. There are a lot of bad stories I could tell but there are also some really funny stories I could tell. I let go of the bad so that I could hold on to the good stuff. I don’t know what was going on in her life and I guess she didn’t feel she could trust me with it. That’s a shame cuz she lost a good friend.
*Tips Welch’s Mango Passion Fruit juice at the monitor*
Sunday, June 27, 2010
About me and this here blog
I guess what I have learned in the past months about blogging for me is that I get rid of a lot of stuff blogging. Stuff that is clogging up my mind and preventing me from focusing on the important stuff in my life. See, once I dump it, I’m pretty much done with it unless some new aspect introduces itself into the situation.
Take TFO. All that is here for her is a title and a blurb about her that pertained to another story. Trust and know that she is more than just a blurb in my life. For quite a few years I considered her a true friend and she occupied quite a lot of my time. The end of our friendship was more than just a blurb. *shrug* But I dumped all the negative energy associated with her a long time ago. So though I have been meaning to blog about her as at least an introduction, there really is no energy there for me to purge when it comes to her. Maybe someday, but I hope not becuz of some new negativity. Though I do have an update to her story. *smh* Even though we aren’t in each other’s lives anymore thanks to TPL we stay abreast of each other’s lives. That man is something else.
But getting rid of negative energy isn’t easy for me. I tend to fret over the people and things in my life. Like MB3. I have fretted over her for years. Why? Well, becuz she is my friend and I want her to do well. I want her to be happy. And in all these years she has just been getting more and more depressed and …just…well…hardhearted I guess is the best word I can think of to describe her.
I always felt sorry for MB3 becuz I thought she was being victimized by first her baby daddy (true) and second by her own child (somewhat true). I felt so sorry for her becuz I thought she was being double whammied. But I see now she has played an important part in her own tragedy. She is not so much the innocent victim. WOW! You have no idea the impact that realization had on my mind and how much negative energy it released from me.
Yeah, perhaps I shouldn’t get so engrossed in my friends lives. But you gotta remember, I have neither chick nor chicken (as the old folks would say) to look after. And concentrating all your energy on yourself is a bit selfish, to me anyway. And my friends, family, and acquaintances always invite me into their messes. I am a woman. It is in my nature to nurture and to be a caretaker, regardless of the connection I have to a person. *shrug* It is both awesome and tiring to be a woman sometimes. Of late it has been more tiring than awesome.
Notice I didn’t say engrossed in my family’s lives? Yeah, that’s becuz we are all some great little secret keepers. *chuckle* We will keep them secrets until we fall flat on our azzes. We get it from my mother. There were so many things about her family that she kept from us. I think becuz I am the youngest and stayed up under her so much I know a little more than my sisters.
Sometimes I’ll pop out with a story that will leave them looking at me so amazed. And it will amaze me too as it seemed like something that should be shared instead of hidden.
Like this one: I needed my birth certificate to get my driver’s license and went to my mother to get it. Up until then I had never seen it. So as I am looking at it I see that in the spot for my mother’s maiden name a name had been typed in and then crossed out and her maiden name written in. When I questioned my mother about it she said my granddaddy had been a shine runner. To protect the family he had changed his last name. She said the nurse didn’t ask her what her maiden name was. The nurse asked her what was her father’s last name and that’s the name she gave her. Then of course it had to be corrected. *LMSBAO*
I laughed so much and so hard at that. My mother looked at me so strange. She said she didn’t know how I could find anything funny in something so shameful. I said well, I don’t see it as shameful. This black man ran shine successfully all through the south and was never caught by the feds or any damn body else (as far as I know) in a time when the south was lynching black men just cuz they were black men. She gave me a funny look then, like it was something she had never considered.
Sometimes new eyes can give a fresh perspective. Yeah *chuckle* my granddaddy was a smart one. I can’t think of why I should be ashamed of him. That’s smart right there. Legal? No, but still smart. But then, there weren’t that many jobs for blacks back then to earn a decent living. He did what he had to do to take care of and support his family. Doesn’t excuse him for the illegal aspect of it but I understand. *shrug* I’ve never really understood why it is illegal to brew your own hooch (I loves this word for homemade booze) anyway. Just like I don’t understand why marijuana is still illegal.
And please don’t give me the nonsense about the aforementioned being illegal becuz of how dangerous it is to make hooch or process (?) marijuana. If both were legal than people would be free to make safe brewers or marijuana processors to sell to the general public. *smacks forehead* Gee whiz! A whole new industry would pop up all becuz of the legalization of marijuana and homemade hooch.
Wait…is it still illegal to brew your own hooch? *makes note to research*
But anyways, yeah, this has been a great dumping ground. And I hope to dump yet more. Hopefully not all negative. I wanna share the good times, too. To write them down as they happen before memory rearranges them or worse yet loses them altogether. I got some great memories. I’d hate for that to happen.
One of my coworkers is dealing with the memory loss of her mom. She was telling me how they were reminding their mother of something that had happened only hours before. She said when her mother finally realized that her own children couldn’t be lying to her about something so simple she just broke down and cried. She said then they all cried. And I can understand why.
You see, even though I don’t have kids I’ve got some fantastic kid memories. My heart gets the biggest kick whenever I walk into the room and the kids in my life look up and see me. They get that light in their eyes that let me know I am loved and it is time to have fun and I do my best not to disappoint. I got some great memories behind that. Can you imagine losing those memories? Cuz there are things people can remind you about. The anniversary parties, birthday parties, graduation and deaths. But no one can restore the feelings that each of those memories held for you. When you lose your memory, you lose the feelings, too. I think that is the night, the void that I fear most. That emptiness of the mind. No memories, no loves, no hate, no passion, no feelings to remember at all…to remind you that you were ever loved, to remind you that you ever existed to anyone other than yourself.
Death? Sweety, that ain’t the end. Heck! I am not even sure that this life is the beginning but death is not the end.
But to become this empty void of a human being? That is a living death. I don’t know anyone I dislike enough to wish it on them.
*wipes away a few tears*
Yeah, so it is my hope and intention to continue to dump negative energy here and share the positive energy. So maybe one day when I am old and the void threatens to take me I can sit here and read and remember and it will all come back for a little while at least.
I guess, these are my little love notes to my future. *pause* I guess that’s good enough. It’s gonna have to be, right?
*tips water glass at monitor*
Take TFO. All that is here for her is a title and a blurb about her that pertained to another story. Trust and know that she is more than just a blurb in my life. For quite a few years I considered her a true friend and she occupied quite a lot of my time. The end of our friendship was more than just a blurb. *shrug* But I dumped all the negative energy associated with her a long time ago. So though I have been meaning to blog about her as at least an introduction, there really is no energy there for me to purge when it comes to her. Maybe someday, but I hope not becuz of some new negativity. Though I do have an update to her story. *smh* Even though we aren’t in each other’s lives anymore thanks to TPL we stay abreast of each other’s lives. That man is something else.
But getting rid of negative energy isn’t easy for me. I tend to fret over the people and things in my life. Like MB3. I have fretted over her for years. Why? Well, becuz she is my friend and I want her to do well. I want her to be happy. And in all these years she has just been getting more and more depressed and …just…well…hardhearted I guess is the best word I can think of to describe her.
I always felt sorry for MB3 becuz I thought she was being victimized by first her baby daddy (true) and second by her own child (somewhat true). I felt so sorry for her becuz I thought she was being double whammied. But I see now she has played an important part in her own tragedy. She is not so much the innocent victim. WOW! You have no idea the impact that realization had on my mind and how much negative energy it released from me.
Yeah, perhaps I shouldn’t get so engrossed in my friends lives. But you gotta remember, I have neither chick nor chicken (as the old folks would say) to look after. And concentrating all your energy on yourself is a bit selfish, to me anyway. And my friends, family, and acquaintances always invite me into their messes. I am a woman. It is in my nature to nurture and to be a caretaker, regardless of the connection I have to a person. *shrug* It is both awesome and tiring to be a woman sometimes. Of late it has been more tiring than awesome.
Notice I didn’t say engrossed in my family’s lives? Yeah, that’s becuz we are all some great little secret keepers. *chuckle* We will keep them secrets until we fall flat on our azzes. We get it from my mother. There were so many things about her family that she kept from us. I think becuz I am the youngest and stayed up under her so much I know a little more than my sisters.
Sometimes I’ll pop out with a story that will leave them looking at me so amazed. And it will amaze me too as it seemed like something that should be shared instead of hidden.
Like this one: I needed my birth certificate to get my driver’s license and went to my mother to get it. Up until then I had never seen it. So as I am looking at it I see that in the spot for my mother’s maiden name a name had been typed in and then crossed out and her maiden name written in. When I questioned my mother about it she said my granddaddy had been a shine runner. To protect the family he had changed his last name. She said the nurse didn’t ask her what her maiden name was. The nurse asked her what was her father’s last name and that’s the name she gave her. Then of course it had to be corrected. *LMSBAO*
I laughed so much and so hard at that. My mother looked at me so strange. She said she didn’t know how I could find anything funny in something so shameful. I said well, I don’t see it as shameful. This black man ran shine successfully all through the south and was never caught by the feds or any damn body else (as far as I know) in a time when the south was lynching black men just cuz they were black men. She gave me a funny look then, like it was something she had never considered.
Sometimes new eyes can give a fresh perspective. Yeah *chuckle* my granddaddy was a smart one. I can’t think of why I should be ashamed of him. That’s smart right there. Legal? No, but still smart. But then, there weren’t that many jobs for blacks back then to earn a decent living. He did what he had to do to take care of and support his family. Doesn’t excuse him for the illegal aspect of it but I understand. *shrug* I’ve never really understood why it is illegal to brew your own hooch (I loves this word for homemade booze) anyway. Just like I don’t understand why marijuana is still illegal.
And please don’t give me the nonsense about the aforementioned being illegal becuz of how dangerous it is to make hooch or process (?) marijuana. If both were legal than people would be free to make safe brewers or marijuana processors to sell to the general public. *smacks forehead* Gee whiz! A whole new industry would pop up all becuz of the legalization of marijuana and homemade hooch.
Wait…is it still illegal to brew your own hooch? *makes note to research*
But anyways, yeah, this has been a great dumping ground. And I hope to dump yet more. Hopefully not all negative. I wanna share the good times, too. To write them down as they happen before memory rearranges them or worse yet loses them altogether. I got some great memories. I’d hate for that to happen.
One of my coworkers is dealing with the memory loss of her mom. She was telling me how they were reminding their mother of something that had happened only hours before. She said when her mother finally realized that her own children couldn’t be lying to her about something so simple she just broke down and cried. She said then they all cried. And I can understand why.
You see, even though I don’t have kids I’ve got some fantastic kid memories. My heart gets the biggest kick whenever I walk into the room and the kids in my life look up and see me. They get that light in their eyes that let me know I am loved and it is time to have fun and I do my best not to disappoint. I got some great memories behind that. Can you imagine losing those memories? Cuz there are things people can remind you about. The anniversary parties, birthday parties, graduation and deaths. But no one can restore the feelings that each of those memories held for you. When you lose your memory, you lose the feelings, too. I think that is the night, the void that I fear most. That emptiness of the mind. No memories, no loves, no hate, no passion, no feelings to remember at all…to remind you that you were ever loved, to remind you that you ever existed to anyone other than yourself.
Death? Sweety, that ain’t the end. Heck! I am not even sure that this life is the beginning but death is not the end.
But to become this empty void of a human being? That is a living death. I don’t know anyone I dislike enough to wish it on them.
*wipes away a few tears*
Yeah, so it is my hope and intention to continue to dump negative energy here and share the positive energy. So maybe one day when I am old and the void threatens to take me I can sit here and read and remember and it will all come back for a little while at least.
I guess, these are my little love notes to my future. *pause* I guess that’s good enough. It’s gonna have to be, right?
*tips water glass at monitor*
Friday, June 25, 2010
My Obsession
I'm gonna make this quick cuz I just want to say it and move on. I've been thinking about a lot of stuff since last I stopped by here. Still ruminating on MB3. A lot of stuff going on in my life right now that's got me thinking about my life choices. No. Seriously. I got about 10 posts coming.
I like this whole blog thing believe it or not. And I wouldn't have believed it. I thought my little blurb about this blog being my therapy was a joke. I guess the joke is on me. I am actually working out some stuff in my head.
Baby steps. Baby steps.
Anyway, I wanted to say, I still miss My Obsession...just not as much. Or it doesn't sting as much. He and I actually seem to frequent quite a few of the same blog sites. Go figure *shrug* great minds I guess. Anyway, on one he wrote that he had found someone that was making him really happy.
*sad frown*
I miss him but I'm happy for him, too. Seeing that took away some of the sting of missing him. I don't know if that makes sense or if that's even what I'm feeling. I just know I was having a sadness within me about him and now, not so much sadness. The sadness came with a bit of sting and the sting is almost gone. I guess I just miss our friendship but really he doesn't have time anyway.
And I really am happy for him. *frown turns upside down* Now...back to working on my crazy azz. *chuckle*
*sits here shaking head at monitor as I contemplate lunch*
I like this whole blog thing believe it or not. And I wouldn't have believed it. I thought my little blurb about this blog being my therapy was a joke. I guess the joke is on me. I am actually working out some stuff in my head.
Baby steps. Baby steps.
Anyway, I wanted to say, I still miss My Obsession...just not as much. Or it doesn't sting as much. He and I actually seem to frequent quite a few of the same blog sites. Go figure *shrug* great minds I guess. Anyway, on one he wrote that he had found someone that was making him really happy.
*sad frown*
I miss him but I'm happy for him, too. Seeing that took away some of the sting of missing him. I don't know if that makes sense or if that's even what I'm feeling. I just know I was having a sadness within me about him and now, not so much sadness. The sadness came with a bit of sting and the sting is almost gone. I guess I just miss our friendship but really he doesn't have time anyway.
And I really am happy for him. *frown turns upside down* Now...back to working on my crazy azz. *chuckle*
*sits here shaking head at monitor as I contemplate lunch*
Friday, June 11, 2010
Maybe I'm too hard on my single mom friends.
After my post about MB3 I got to thinking about my friendships with the friends that have children. Maybe I am too hard on them.
Whenever my friends, family, and coworkers (only the black folk mind you) would ask me why I hadn’t had children yet (or now ever) my response is always that I never found the right husband for me. To which they always responded that you don’t need a husband to have children. To which I always responded, maybe you don’t but I do becuz I need help.
Then the question: What kind of help do you need?
My response: I need someone to take the kids off my hands when they start to get on my nerves. Then I’d laugh and they’d laugh and drop the subject for the moment. Now with all these celebrities having babies later and later people keep telling me that it isn’t too late. *eye roll* I’ve already blogged about that so back to subject.
I wouldn’t choose to be a single parent for anything in the world. It’s not easy being a single parent. Everything is put on you as the sole provider of love, comfort, education, discipline, nurturing, moral character building, food, shelter, support, clothing, etc. You need help whether you admit it or not. Then you have to work for a living and 9 times out of 10 jobs can be bastards when it comes to parents.
I know in my last position we had a single mother there who had 2 boys. She moved to a new neighborhood. Now she did all this on the weekend. She requested one week day morning off in order to register her kids for school. You know her supervisor told her no. That they couldn’t spare her cuz she was the early morning person. *confused shock* What the hell does that have to do with anything? She has to register her kids for school or be in violation of the LAW!
Yes, according to her she had plenty of sick and vacation time to use but her supervisor still told her no cuz it would inconvenience the office for a morning. *smh* But they have to give her vacation time off, what do they do when she’s gone a whole week? I never got the chance to find out becuz the woman ended up quitting. They did everything they could think of to get her to stay but I’m with her on that one. There are 4 other people in the office, one of them could have covered for her that morning or they could have just opened an hour late that morning. *smh* She ended up having to call in “sick” later that week so she could go get her children registered for school. *smh*
But if she had had a husband, then he could have gone and registered the kids for school. See what I mean? Help.
In that same office was a married woman with two small girls. Now for awhile there she was the one who went to pick up the kids whenever they got sick at school or the babysitter’s becuz she worked the closest. As soon as her husband got a job closer then they traded off. Sometimes he would go and sometimes she would go. It was a partnership. They were doing it together. They were help for each other. The wife could have easily said that since she had been doing it for the past 4 years her hubby could pick them up for the next 4 years but she didn’t. They agreed together to trade off.
It is what happens when you have kids. They leave home fine but 2 hours after they get to school or the sitter’s they are running a fever and need to come home. My single mom friends used up so much of their sick and vacation time that whenever they heard I was taking a stay-cation they would always guilt me into doing some things for them on my off days. It got so bad that I stopped telling my friends and family when I am taking a stay-cation until it is either over or just about over. *smh smiling*
I didn’t mind helping sometimes but sometimes I had personal things of my own to attend to. When I was driving, going to the MVA could be a two day odyssey. Once it was a 2 ½ day odyssey. All becuz nothing in the state of MD is linked. You get a ticket in Baltimore County they flag your license but you can’t pay at the MVA. Hell no! You got to go all the way out to Towson to pay the ticket and no they didn’t mail me shyt. Then once you pay in Baltimore County you have to come back to the MVA with your payment receipt to show that you have paid the damn ticket cuz even though you paid it there is no telling when that will update in their computer system. We pay both state income tax and 6% sales tax in Maryland for this piss poor computer system they have in place. *smh*
All that to say that sometimes I have things of my own to do and I don’t always either want to or have time to incorporate my single mom girlfriends’ errands into my life.
Still, I do feel sorry for them. It ain’t easy and I don’t believe that I would be a much better single mom.
I offer this as an example: When my niece and her husband were together I would watch their 4 kids when they took their couples’ weekend getaways. I would watch them at their house. Well, once my sisters asked could I bring the kids to church and they would take them to lunch. Well, I hadn’t brought any church clothes with me to my niece’s home so I got the kids dressed that morning and drove back to my place. I turned on the TV. Told the kids to watch TV and stay put until I showered and dressed. Took me less than 30 minutes. For real. I skipped the makeup and pulled my hair into a tidy little bun.
I left them watching Sesame Street. As soon as I got into the shower the younger girl, the nosey one, comes knocking on the bathroom door asking can she have some of my crangrape juice in the fridge. *mean eye* Ok…TV is in the living room. You gotta go through the dining room to get to the kitchen and then the heffa went into my fridge without asking. I caved immediately cuz I figured that would keep them busy until I got out of the shower. And it did.
But really thinking it over my answer should have been: NO! I told you to sit down in the living room and watch TV until I was dressed. I did not give you permission to a) get up b) go through MY HOUSE NOT YOURS BUT MINE and c) I definitely didn’t give you permission to go into my fridge. Becuz of all that sit your little tail down until I come out. At which time I am gonna wear your little tail out before church. But that would have delayed us further in getting to church. And had she been with my mother she definitely wouldn’t have gone out to lunch after church. Not her or anyone. Cuz she is the younger sister. Her older sister should have a) stopped her and/or b) snitched on her.
Sounds harsh don’t it? But that’s the way we were raised and we learned to respect other people’s property and to ask before using our parents’, nonfamily and non-immediate family members’ things. *chuckle* Now siblings’ belongings is a whole other post.
But I didn’t do that. I did what was easy. Why? Cuz I didn’t have any help. I didn’t have anyone to watch the kids while I got ready for church. That’s the problem with single parenting. There’s no one to trade off with.
I do sit back and judge my single mom friends rather harshly in their parenting skills and what they allow their kids to get away with. I guess I really shouldn’t cuz not a one of them has any help from their baby daddies.
It’s a lot easier to judge people sitting alone in my ivory tower. I’m a have to work on that.
Take MB3’s daughter Bonequisha. I believe that she had a baby so that she would have someone to love her. I know, doesn’t MB3 love her daughter? *head scratch* I don’t know. What I know is she has said the following to me more times than I can remember down through the years:
I love my daughter but if I had it to do over again I wouldn’t have had her.
You see Bonequisha’s father is a childish, selfish, egotistical, manipulative, philandering con artist. Nothing more. He’s in his 50s now and he has yet to evolve into more than what MB3 left behind over 20 odd years ago. I believe MB3 was on the verge of leaving him when she found out she was pregnant. It was her intention to abort but her mother talked her into having Bonequisha and thus bringing into being the instrument that MB3’s baby daddy would use to punish her for leaving him.
From the things he has done down through the years I believe that MB3 is probably the only woman to have ever left him. He has paid little to no child support, he barely saw his daughter no matter how much the child called and begged. If he by chance was staying with a woman who had kids then he would go get Bonequisha to babysit while he got some sleep when the mother went to work.
TRUE STORY: He was living with a woman who had a daughter. He pronounced this woman’s child to be Bonequisha’s sister since he was living with the woman. So he brought Bonequisha over to babysit her new little sister while he slept the Sunday away. When he woke up he and her little sister took Bonequisha home. As Bonequisha got out of the car and turned to say goodbye he told her he was taking her sister to dinner, a movie, and shopping. Bonequisha ran into the house crying her little eyes out.
That was not the last time he pulled that particular stunt either. There were other women down through the years with children. He always pronounced these children Bonequisha’s siblings and during the summer vacation months he would bring her to babysit while the women worked. *smh* I have no clue and pray I never get a clue what these women saw in him. He’s not aesthetically pleasing to my eye at all. I say that without prejudice cuz I’ve met pretty on the outside and ugly on the inside and can appreciate the outside in spite of who they are inside.
Anyway, I have too many stories of him doing that and other stuff like that to his own flesh and blood child. That child forgave him and adored him no matter what he did though. I know MB3 resented that. But MB3 refused to speak ill of him in front of her child. *chuckle* We barbequed him every chance we were able though. *smh* That’s ok, God does not like ugly. Bonequisha was barely 18 when he got lung cancer.
I believe he poured his resentment towards MB3 for leaving him into his treatment of Bonequisha. I believe MB3 poured her resentment at Bonequisha’s father onto Bonequisha.
MB3 gave Bonequisha every material thing she could…but I don’t remember her spending a lot of time with her daughter. I remember MB3 working, always working. If you got a chance to catch Disney’s The Princess and the Frog then I can tell you Tiana and MB3 are just alike in working themselves to death for what they want. But what they want isn’t necessarily what they need.
Then there were other things like MB3 never corrected her or her lying for her or never making her raise her own child. I would always ask MB3 would her parents tolerate such things to which she always replied no and continued to let her child go off completely on the wrong path.
*pause*
Almost like sabotage. Like she was trying to prove that no child sired by that man could turn out right.
*Epiphany moment*
Then when Bonequisha had a baby of her own she thought that she would have someone to really love her…but she never did the hard work. See, she played with her baby and of course changed diapers but that’s not the hard work that bond parent and child.
Shoot! Kids love me cuz I play with them all. Chase them round outside and push swings and play games and all the stuff that their parents are too tired/or distracted to do. Kids see me and think here comes their favorite person to play with. But that is not parenting.
A parent and child bond is formed over 2, 3, 4, and 6 am feedings. It is formed over ER visits, immunization shots, colic, potty training, first day at the sitter’s/school. MB3 did all that for her granddaughter. Her granddaughter differs to MB3 as her mother and Bonequisha as her big sister. For a while there MB3’s granddaughter was actually calling her mommy and Bonequisha by her name. Bonequisha never corrected her, MB3 did. It was then I started to see Bonequisha resenting her daughter.
MB3 thinks it’s cute that Bonequisha’s daughter doesn’t like living with her mother and wants to stay with her as much as possible.
Bonequisha now has a second child and the second one is taking to MB3 in the same way. *smh* This little one is a mean one though. See Bonequisha didn’t want this second one and even thought of giving it up for adoption but the father talked her out of it and…they live together now. WOW! Full circle.
MB3’s mother was talked into having Bonequisha and Bonequisha was talked into keeping her second child. *smh* There’s a lot of hell going on in those homes. This second one don’t smile for anyone but MB3 and she doesn’t mind anyone but MB3 either. MB3 loves that power.
WOW! *head clearing shake*
I’m starting to see MB3 in a completely different light. I always wondered why someone who seemed to be so nice didn’t progress…didn’t do better. Especially with how hard she worked/works. I thought it was only natural that she would have a little resentment toward Bonequisha for the way she treated her when she was bedridden after her accident but typing this now and really seeing the years I’ve know her clearly I see some things that I just never saw before.
I don’t even know what to say or think now…suddenly, I’m not mad at Bonequisha anymore. Suddenly, I feel sorry for her. It’s like she never really had a chance. She’s been stuck between these two resentful people her whole life and her extended family isn’t much better. Her cuzins are jealous of her material belongings. See her mother handed down all her old clothes and toys to them…there are just too many stories.
Too many!
And my head is reeling! I’ve always thought the victim in all this was MB3 but I am starting to feel like the victim in all this is really Bonequisha. And now she has children of her own to repeat the cycle of resentment. Cuz Bonequisha resents her mother AND her own children now.
WOW!
Gotta go! I got a lot to think about.
*smh at monitor*
Whenever my friends, family, and coworkers (only the black folk mind you) would ask me why I hadn’t had children yet (or now ever) my response is always that I never found the right husband for me. To which they always responded that you don’t need a husband to have children. To which I always responded, maybe you don’t but I do becuz I need help.
Then the question: What kind of help do you need?
My response: I need someone to take the kids off my hands when they start to get on my nerves. Then I’d laugh and they’d laugh and drop the subject for the moment. Now with all these celebrities having babies later and later people keep telling me that it isn’t too late. *eye roll* I’ve already blogged about that so back to subject.
I wouldn’t choose to be a single parent for anything in the world. It’s not easy being a single parent. Everything is put on you as the sole provider of love, comfort, education, discipline, nurturing, moral character building, food, shelter, support, clothing, etc. You need help whether you admit it or not. Then you have to work for a living and 9 times out of 10 jobs can be bastards when it comes to parents.
I know in my last position we had a single mother there who had 2 boys. She moved to a new neighborhood. Now she did all this on the weekend. She requested one week day morning off in order to register her kids for school. You know her supervisor told her no. That they couldn’t spare her cuz she was the early morning person. *confused shock* What the hell does that have to do with anything? She has to register her kids for school or be in violation of the LAW!
Yes, according to her she had plenty of sick and vacation time to use but her supervisor still told her no cuz it would inconvenience the office for a morning. *smh* But they have to give her vacation time off, what do they do when she’s gone a whole week? I never got the chance to find out becuz the woman ended up quitting. They did everything they could think of to get her to stay but I’m with her on that one. There are 4 other people in the office, one of them could have covered for her that morning or they could have just opened an hour late that morning. *smh* She ended up having to call in “sick” later that week so she could go get her children registered for school. *smh*
But if she had had a husband, then he could have gone and registered the kids for school. See what I mean? Help.
In that same office was a married woman with two small girls. Now for awhile there she was the one who went to pick up the kids whenever they got sick at school or the babysitter’s becuz she worked the closest. As soon as her husband got a job closer then they traded off. Sometimes he would go and sometimes she would go. It was a partnership. They were doing it together. They were help for each other. The wife could have easily said that since she had been doing it for the past 4 years her hubby could pick them up for the next 4 years but she didn’t. They agreed together to trade off.
It is what happens when you have kids. They leave home fine but 2 hours after they get to school or the sitter’s they are running a fever and need to come home. My single mom friends used up so much of their sick and vacation time that whenever they heard I was taking a stay-cation they would always guilt me into doing some things for them on my off days. It got so bad that I stopped telling my friends and family when I am taking a stay-cation until it is either over or just about over. *smh smiling*
I didn’t mind helping sometimes but sometimes I had personal things of my own to attend to. When I was driving, going to the MVA could be a two day odyssey. Once it was a 2 ½ day odyssey. All becuz nothing in the state of MD is linked. You get a ticket in Baltimore County they flag your license but you can’t pay at the MVA. Hell no! You got to go all the way out to Towson to pay the ticket and no they didn’t mail me shyt. Then once you pay in Baltimore County you have to come back to the MVA with your payment receipt to show that you have paid the damn ticket cuz even though you paid it there is no telling when that will update in their computer system. We pay both state income tax and 6% sales tax in Maryland for this piss poor computer system they have in place. *smh*
All that to say that sometimes I have things of my own to do and I don’t always either want to or have time to incorporate my single mom girlfriends’ errands into my life.
Still, I do feel sorry for them. It ain’t easy and I don’t believe that I would be a much better single mom.
I offer this as an example: When my niece and her husband were together I would watch their 4 kids when they took their couples’ weekend getaways. I would watch them at their house. Well, once my sisters asked could I bring the kids to church and they would take them to lunch. Well, I hadn’t brought any church clothes with me to my niece’s home so I got the kids dressed that morning and drove back to my place. I turned on the TV. Told the kids to watch TV and stay put until I showered and dressed. Took me less than 30 minutes. For real. I skipped the makeup and pulled my hair into a tidy little bun.
I left them watching Sesame Street. As soon as I got into the shower the younger girl, the nosey one, comes knocking on the bathroom door asking can she have some of my crangrape juice in the fridge. *mean eye* Ok…TV is in the living room. You gotta go through the dining room to get to the kitchen and then the heffa went into my fridge without asking. I caved immediately cuz I figured that would keep them busy until I got out of the shower. And it did.
But really thinking it over my answer should have been: NO! I told you to sit down in the living room and watch TV until I was dressed. I did not give you permission to a) get up b) go through MY HOUSE NOT YOURS BUT MINE and c) I definitely didn’t give you permission to go into my fridge. Becuz of all that sit your little tail down until I come out. At which time I am gonna wear your little tail out before church. But that would have delayed us further in getting to church. And had she been with my mother she definitely wouldn’t have gone out to lunch after church. Not her or anyone. Cuz she is the younger sister. Her older sister should have a) stopped her and/or b) snitched on her.
Sounds harsh don’t it? But that’s the way we were raised and we learned to respect other people’s property and to ask before using our parents’, nonfamily and non-immediate family members’ things. *chuckle* Now siblings’ belongings is a whole other post.
But I didn’t do that. I did what was easy. Why? Cuz I didn’t have any help. I didn’t have anyone to watch the kids while I got ready for church. That’s the problem with single parenting. There’s no one to trade off with.
I do sit back and judge my single mom friends rather harshly in their parenting skills and what they allow their kids to get away with. I guess I really shouldn’t cuz not a one of them has any help from their baby daddies.
It’s a lot easier to judge people sitting alone in my ivory tower. I’m a have to work on that.
Take MB3’s daughter Bonequisha. I believe that she had a baby so that she would have someone to love her. I know, doesn’t MB3 love her daughter? *head scratch* I don’t know. What I know is she has said the following to me more times than I can remember down through the years:
I love my daughter but if I had it to do over again I wouldn’t have had her.
You see Bonequisha’s father is a childish, selfish, egotistical, manipulative, philandering con artist. Nothing more. He’s in his 50s now and he has yet to evolve into more than what MB3 left behind over 20 odd years ago. I believe MB3 was on the verge of leaving him when she found out she was pregnant. It was her intention to abort but her mother talked her into having Bonequisha and thus bringing into being the instrument that MB3’s baby daddy would use to punish her for leaving him.
From the things he has done down through the years I believe that MB3 is probably the only woman to have ever left him. He has paid little to no child support, he barely saw his daughter no matter how much the child called and begged. If he by chance was staying with a woman who had kids then he would go get Bonequisha to babysit while he got some sleep when the mother went to work.
TRUE STORY: He was living with a woman who had a daughter. He pronounced this woman’s child to be Bonequisha’s sister since he was living with the woman. So he brought Bonequisha over to babysit her new little sister while he slept the Sunday away. When he woke up he and her little sister took Bonequisha home. As Bonequisha got out of the car and turned to say goodbye he told her he was taking her sister to dinner, a movie, and shopping. Bonequisha ran into the house crying her little eyes out.
That was not the last time he pulled that particular stunt either. There were other women down through the years with children. He always pronounced these children Bonequisha’s siblings and during the summer vacation months he would bring her to babysit while the women worked. *smh* I have no clue and pray I never get a clue what these women saw in him. He’s not aesthetically pleasing to my eye at all. I say that without prejudice cuz I’ve met pretty on the outside and ugly on the inside and can appreciate the outside in spite of who they are inside.
Anyway, I have too many stories of him doing that and other stuff like that to his own flesh and blood child. That child forgave him and adored him no matter what he did though. I know MB3 resented that. But MB3 refused to speak ill of him in front of her child. *chuckle* We barbequed him every chance we were able though. *smh* That’s ok, God does not like ugly. Bonequisha was barely 18 when he got lung cancer.
I believe he poured his resentment towards MB3 for leaving him into his treatment of Bonequisha. I believe MB3 poured her resentment at Bonequisha’s father onto Bonequisha.
MB3 gave Bonequisha every material thing she could…but I don’t remember her spending a lot of time with her daughter. I remember MB3 working, always working. If you got a chance to catch Disney’s The Princess and the Frog then I can tell you Tiana and MB3 are just alike in working themselves to death for what they want. But what they want isn’t necessarily what they need.
Then there were other things like MB3 never corrected her or her lying for her or never making her raise her own child. I would always ask MB3 would her parents tolerate such things to which she always replied no and continued to let her child go off completely on the wrong path.
*pause*
Almost like sabotage. Like she was trying to prove that no child sired by that man could turn out right.
*Epiphany moment*
Then when Bonequisha had a baby of her own she thought that she would have someone to really love her…but she never did the hard work. See, she played with her baby and of course changed diapers but that’s not the hard work that bond parent and child.
Shoot! Kids love me cuz I play with them all. Chase them round outside and push swings and play games and all the stuff that their parents are too tired/or distracted to do. Kids see me and think here comes their favorite person to play with. But that is not parenting.
A parent and child bond is formed over 2, 3, 4, and 6 am feedings. It is formed over ER visits, immunization shots, colic, potty training, first day at the sitter’s/school. MB3 did all that for her granddaughter. Her granddaughter differs to MB3 as her mother and Bonequisha as her big sister. For a while there MB3’s granddaughter was actually calling her mommy and Bonequisha by her name. Bonequisha never corrected her, MB3 did. It was then I started to see Bonequisha resenting her daughter.
MB3 thinks it’s cute that Bonequisha’s daughter doesn’t like living with her mother and wants to stay with her as much as possible.
Bonequisha now has a second child and the second one is taking to MB3 in the same way. *smh* This little one is a mean one though. See Bonequisha didn’t want this second one and even thought of giving it up for adoption but the father talked her out of it and…they live together now. WOW! Full circle.
MB3’s mother was talked into having Bonequisha and Bonequisha was talked into keeping her second child. *smh* There’s a lot of hell going on in those homes. This second one don’t smile for anyone but MB3 and she doesn’t mind anyone but MB3 either. MB3 loves that power.
WOW! *head clearing shake*
I’m starting to see MB3 in a completely different light. I always wondered why someone who seemed to be so nice didn’t progress…didn’t do better. Especially with how hard she worked/works. I thought it was only natural that she would have a little resentment toward Bonequisha for the way she treated her when she was bedridden after her accident but typing this now and really seeing the years I’ve know her clearly I see some things that I just never saw before.
I don’t even know what to say or think now…suddenly, I’m not mad at Bonequisha anymore. Suddenly, I feel sorry for her. It’s like she never really had a chance. She’s been stuck between these two resentful people her whole life and her extended family isn’t much better. Her cuzins are jealous of her material belongings. See her mother handed down all her old clothes and toys to them…there are just too many stories.
Too many!
And my head is reeling! I’ve always thought the victim in all this was MB3 but I am starting to feel like the victim in all this is really Bonequisha. And now she has children of her own to repeat the cycle of resentment. Cuz Bonequisha resents her mother AND her own children now.
WOW!
Gotta go! I got a lot to think about.
*smh at monitor*
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Dr. Phil’s Dating Show
So I took a day off so that I could have an extended holiday for the Memorial Day weekend and I caught Dr. Phil’s Dating show. His guest was Steve Harvey, author of the book Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man. This show was very interesting. *shrug* To me anyway.
They showcased two women, one black the other white, who were having trouble finding a man. They sent the two women out with dates and recorded the date to critique what the women were doing wrong.
They critiqued the white woman. But when we got to the black woman *snicker* there didn’t seem to be much critiquing going on. I think it had something to do with how her date went. *chuckle*
The black woman was an attractive, articulate woman with one child. Her date was a black man named TC, father of two boys, and an aspiring author. *side MF eye* TC says he is writing a book about the sexual relationships of “Afro-American men and women”. Yes, he pronounced it just like that. There wasn’t a thing articulate about TC. When she asked him what TC stood for his response was “Total Control. You may have a chance to find out about that later.” *bouncing in chair laughing* In one fell swoop, TC explained to the world why so many black American women are unmarried. *snort, snicker, chuckle*
Thank you, TC, wherever you are. You just validated me in my feeling that there aren’t a lot of good black men out there despite what most black men keep saying. Cuz if he was the best Dr. Phil could find with all his resources, what are my chances?
TC is typical of the black guys I’ve been meeting. The first date they are trying to figure out how soon until they get you into bed. Of course they’ll respect you and still call you tomorrow if they sex you on the first date. *rolls eyes* There seems to be this race on to use and discard as many black women as you can among a lot , NOT ALL, but a lot of the black men I keep meeting.
I mean I’ve met some nice black guys that for one reason or another we just weren’t compatible. But I’ve met a lot more TCs and we were not compatible at all. *smh*
Not just me either, but my friends and acquaintances seem to be running into more and more TCs. Even a coworker of mine and she’s white! There was always this belief among black women that white women always got the best of the best black men. Now they got the same chances as the rest of us to end up with a TC. *smirk*
The show was supposed to show women having trouble finding the right man how to improve their chances. Again, there was no critique for the black woman. So how is a woman like her supposed to find a good black man?
As the show finished up I wondered when someone would write a self help guide for black men on how to be the men that black women want…then I realized that they wouldn’t read it if you wrote it. As long as they continue to believe that they are all good men and black women are just evil and bitter they won’t be changing anytime soon. Sad. Very sad.
This reminded me of a male friend of mine, let’s call him Terrence. He is a great guy all around, a gentleman, funny, has no kids and he’s gainfully employed. We are both in our 40s. We met in college and we were buddies then. I thought of him as a brother. Whew, back in college his was FINE! But he didn’t think of me in those terms and I settled into the friend zone. He doesn’t have the six pack he had in college but he is still a very attractive man. Heck, I’d do him if he moved me out of the friend zone AND IF…I didn’t know what I know about him.
See, Terrance has slept with MCB…and she said he was horrible. Well, that was back in college. We lost touch not too long after college and then reconnected a few years ago. He is still single. He says that every girlfriend he has ever had has cheated on him. When I told MCB she said she would too if she was his girlfriend. *shocked face* I told her that maybe she should tell him when he called her, cuz he was trying to reconnect with her. She said nope. When I pressed she told me to tell him.
Now, I know me telling him that she said he was a terrible lover would have probably ended him so of course I refused. I feel bad for him and with everything he has going for him if he could just improve in that one department he could find and keep a good woman.
TFO and I brought the subject up to TPL. TFO was having the same problem with the guy she was seeing. TPL being a black man we sought out how to tell them. He basically confirmed that I definitely couldn’t tell Terrance and that TFO shouldn’t tell her man either. He said you had to leave them with their dignity. *confused face*
Dignity is a very cold bedfellow. Wouldn’t you think? I’d hate for my sex skills or kissing skills, or conversation skills, or anything that I can improve on be the only reason I don’t keep a man. All it takes is someone who knows to tell it.
I was telling a coworker about it and she suggested that I sleep with him. No. Thank. You. First, he has me in the friend zone and I am quite happy to be there. I thought about it. He’s 42! I can’t believe that in all those years not one woman has brought his inadequacies in the sex department up to him and he hasn’t changed. So the question is: Has he not changed becuz he doen’t believe them or becuz he just can’t or doesn’t know how? If he doesn’t know how *smirk* I can help with that. I got plenty of patience. But what if the problem is that he doesn’t believe them or he feels that he can’t improve or won’t try?
One of the few things I know for sure in life is that you CANNOT make a black man do anything he hasn’t made up his mind to do. And he has to make up his mind on his own to do it. So if his heart and mind ain’t into improving his sexual skills then ain’t a thing me or anyone else can do about it.
If that is true…then I would have slept with him for nothing more than a bad memory and our friendship would be over. *side eye* Nope! I’ll stay in the friend zone and pray for him. *shrug* That’s the best I got.
It just seems like you are not supposed to criticize black men. I mean I get it. The US of A hasn’t been particularly kind to non-Caucasians. I think Chris Rock said it the best I’ve heard it and I’m gonna paraphrase him cuz I don’t remember word for word but it goes something like this:
“America to black people is kinda like an uncle that molested you as a child but paid for your college education.”
Yeah. That’s about right. I haven’t traveled as extensively as I would have liked. I have a passport now and I am rectifying that as my salary and job allow. So far I haven’t been anywhere that I like as much as the US of A. Truth. Thus far in my travels I wouldn’t wanna be a citizen of any other country on the face of this planet.
But the US of A hasn’t been particularly kind to me and mine. Country Time Lemonade use to run commercials about the good old days. They look really lovely…shame I can’t claim any good old days. I look back on US history and there isn’t a time in known history that I would want to revisit wearing the skin I wear today. Hell, I ain’t crazy about living right now wearing the skin I’m in.
Saying that, I know black men have it hard…but so do I and I have to listen to the criticism. I have to examine myself and see if I am guilty of the criticism leveled at black people and especially black women every moment I draw breath. I seek the betterment of me, myself, and I.
It is by no means easy. There are a lot of lies and half truths being tossed about. I seek knowledge and truth…even if it isn’t pleasant. Even if the unpleasant truth is about me. You can’t grow and change for the better if you aren’t examining yourself and doing the hard work. Ya know?
So, if me and every black woman born and yet to be born gotta do it then why don’t black men? I am not allowed to be a fragile little flower that can’t stand the light of bright, burning truth. Why do black men get to hide in the shadows of lies and half-truths? Why do I have to protect him and his ego? When do the words I and my sisters speak become truth to them and not just bitter lies? When do black men accept responsibility along with me for the good, the bad, and all that is ugly within the black American community?
*head scratch* Yeah, I know, a lot of questions. I wish I had some answers.
They showcased two women, one black the other white, who were having trouble finding a man. They sent the two women out with dates and recorded the date to critique what the women were doing wrong.
They critiqued the white woman. But when we got to the black woman *snicker* there didn’t seem to be much critiquing going on. I think it had something to do with how her date went. *chuckle*
The black woman was an attractive, articulate woman with one child. Her date was a black man named TC, father of two boys, and an aspiring author. *side MF eye* TC says he is writing a book about the sexual relationships of “Afro-American men and women”. Yes, he pronounced it just like that. There wasn’t a thing articulate about TC. When she asked him what TC stood for his response was “Total Control. You may have a chance to find out about that later.” *bouncing in chair laughing* In one fell swoop, TC explained to the world why so many black American women are unmarried. *snort, snicker, chuckle*
Thank you, TC, wherever you are. You just validated me in my feeling that there aren’t a lot of good black men out there despite what most black men keep saying. Cuz if he was the best Dr. Phil could find with all his resources, what are my chances?
TC is typical of the black guys I’ve been meeting. The first date they are trying to figure out how soon until they get you into bed. Of course they’ll respect you and still call you tomorrow if they sex you on the first date. *rolls eyes* There seems to be this race on to use and discard as many black women as you can among a lot , NOT ALL, but a lot of the black men I keep meeting.
I mean I’ve met some nice black guys that for one reason or another we just weren’t compatible. But I’ve met a lot more TCs and we were not compatible at all. *smh*
Not just me either, but my friends and acquaintances seem to be running into more and more TCs. Even a coworker of mine and she’s white! There was always this belief among black women that white women always got the best of the best black men. Now they got the same chances as the rest of us to end up with a TC. *smirk*
The show was supposed to show women having trouble finding the right man how to improve their chances. Again, there was no critique for the black woman. So how is a woman like her supposed to find a good black man?
As the show finished up I wondered when someone would write a self help guide for black men on how to be the men that black women want…then I realized that they wouldn’t read it if you wrote it. As long as they continue to believe that they are all good men and black women are just evil and bitter they won’t be changing anytime soon. Sad. Very sad.
This reminded me of a male friend of mine, let’s call him Terrence. He is a great guy all around, a gentleman, funny, has no kids and he’s gainfully employed. We are both in our 40s. We met in college and we were buddies then. I thought of him as a brother. Whew, back in college his was FINE! But he didn’t think of me in those terms and I settled into the friend zone. He doesn’t have the six pack he had in college but he is still a very attractive man. Heck, I’d do him if he moved me out of the friend zone AND IF…I didn’t know what I know about him.
See, Terrance has slept with MCB…and she said he was horrible. Well, that was back in college. We lost touch not too long after college and then reconnected a few years ago. He is still single. He says that every girlfriend he has ever had has cheated on him. When I told MCB she said she would too if she was his girlfriend. *shocked face* I told her that maybe she should tell him when he called her, cuz he was trying to reconnect with her. She said nope. When I pressed she told me to tell him.
Now, I know me telling him that she said he was a terrible lover would have probably ended him so of course I refused. I feel bad for him and with everything he has going for him if he could just improve in that one department he could find and keep a good woman.
TFO and I brought the subject up to TPL. TFO was having the same problem with the guy she was seeing. TPL being a black man we sought out how to tell them. He basically confirmed that I definitely couldn’t tell Terrance and that TFO shouldn’t tell her man either. He said you had to leave them with their dignity. *confused face*
Dignity is a very cold bedfellow. Wouldn’t you think? I’d hate for my sex skills or kissing skills, or conversation skills, or anything that I can improve on be the only reason I don’t keep a man. All it takes is someone who knows to tell it.
I was telling a coworker about it and she suggested that I sleep with him. No. Thank. You. First, he has me in the friend zone and I am quite happy to be there. I thought about it. He’s 42! I can’t believe that in all those years not one woman has brought his inadequacies in the sex department up to him and he hasn’t changed. So the question is: Has he not changed becuz he doen’t believe them or becuz he just can’t or doesn’t know how? If he doesn’t know how *smirk* I can help with that. I got plenty of patience. But what if the problem is that he doesn’t believe them or he feels that he can’t improve or won’t try?
One of the few things I know for sure in life is that you CANNOT make a black man do anything he hasn’t made up his mind to do. And he has to make up his mind on his own to do it. So if his heart and mind ain’t into improving his sexual skills then ain’t a thing me or anyone else can do about it.
If that is true…then I would have slept with him for nothing more than a bad memory and our friendship would be over. *side eye* Nope! I’ll stay in the friend zone and pray for him. *shrug* That’s the best I got.
It just seems like you are not supposed to criticize black men. I mean I get it. The US of A hasn’t been particularly kind to non-Caucasians. I think Chris Rock said it the best I’ve heard it and I’m gonna paraphrase him cuz I don’t remember word for word but it goes something like this:
“America to black people is kinda like an uncle that molested you as a child but paid for your college education.”
Yeah. That’s about right. I haven’t traveled as extensively as I would have liked. I have a passport now and I am rectifying that as my salary and job allow. So far I haven’t been anywhere that I like as much as the US of A. Truth. Thus far in my travels I wouldn’t wanna be a citizen of any other country on the face of this planet.
But the US of A hasn’t been particularly kind to me and mine. Country Time Lemonade use to run commercials about the good old days. They look really lovely…shame I can’t claim any good old days. I look back on US history and there isn’t a time in known history that I would want to revisit wearing the skin I wear today. Hell, I ain’t crazy about living right now wearing the skin I’m in.
Saying that, I know black men have it hard…but so do I and I have to listen to the criticism. I have to examine myself and see if I am guilty of the criticism leveled at black people and especially black women every moment I draw breath. I seek the betterment of me, myself, and I.
It is by no means easy. There are a lot of lies and half truths being tossed about. I seek knowledge and truth…even if it isn’t pleasant. Even if the unpleasant truth is about me. You can’t grow and change for the better if you aren’t examining yourself and doing the hard work. Ya know?
So, if me and every black woman born and yet to be born gotta do it then why don’t black men? I am not allowed to be a fragile little flower that can’t stand the light of bright, burning truth. Why do black men get to hide in the shadows of lies and half-truths? Why do I have to protect him and his ego? When do the words I and my sisters speak become truth to them and not just bitter lies? When do black men accept responsibility along with me for the good, the bad, and all that is ugly within the black American community?
*head scratch* Yeah, I know, a lot of questions. I wish I had some answers.
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