About me and this here blog

I guess what I have learned in the past months about blogging for me is that I get rid of a lot of stuff blogging. Stuff that is clogging up my mind and preventing me from focusing on the important stuff in my life. See, once I dump it, I’m pretty much done with it unless some new aspect introduces itself into the situation.

Take TFO. All that is here for her is a title and a blurb about her that pertained to another story. Trust and know that she is more than just a blurb in my life. For quite a few years I considered her a true friend and she occupied quite a lot of my time. The end of our friendship was more than just a blurb. *shrug* But I dumped all the negative energy associated with her a long time ago. So though I have been meaning to blog about her as at least an introduction, there really is no energy there for me to purge when it comes to her. Maybe someday, but I hope not becuz of some new negativity. Though I do have an update to her story. *smh* Even though we aren’t in each other’s lives anymore thanks to TPL we stay abreast of each other’s lives. That man is something else.

But getting rid of negative energy isn’t easy for me. I tend to fret over the people and things in my life. Like MB3. I have fretted over her for years. Why? Well, becuz she is my friend and I want her to do well. I want her to be happy. And in all these years she has just been getting more and more depressed and …just…well…hardhearted I guess is the best word I can think of to describe her.

I always felt sorry for MB3 becuz I thought she was being victimized by first her baby daddy (true) and second by her own child (somewhat true). I felt so sorry for her becuz I thought she was being double whammied. But I see now she has played an important part in her own tragedy. She is not so much the innocent victim. WOW! You have no idea the impact that realization had on my mind and how much negative energy it released from me.

Yeah, perhaps I shouldn’t get so engrossed in my friends lives. But you gotta remember, I have neither chick nor chicken (as the old folks would say) to look after. And concentrating all your energy on yourself is a bit selfish, to me anyway. And my friends, family, and acquaintances always invite me into their messes. I am a woman. It is in my nature to nurture and to be a caretaker, regardless of the connection I have to a person. *shrug* It is both awesome and tiring to be a woman sometimes. Of late it has been more tiring than awesome.

Notice I didn’t say engrossed in my family’s lives? Yeah, that’s becuz we are all some great little secret keepers. *chuckle* We will keep them secrets until we fall flat on our azzes. We get it from my mother. There were so many things about her family that she kept from us. I think becuz I am the youngest and stayed up under her so much I know a little more than my sisters.

Sometimes I’ll pop out with a story that will leave them looking at me so amazed. And it will amaze me too as it seemed like something that should be shared instead of hidden.

Like this one: I needed my birth certificate to get my driver’s license and went to my mother to get it. Up until then I had never seen it. So as I am looking at it I see that in the spot for my mother’s maiden name a name had been typed in and then crossed out and her maiden name written in. When I questioned my mother about it she said my granddaddy had been a shine runner. To protect the family he had changed his last name. She said the nurse didn’t ask her what her maiden name was. The nurse asked her what was her father’s last name and that’s the name she gave her. Then of course it had to be corrected. *LMSBAO*

I laughed so much and so hard at that. My mother looked at me so strange. She said she didn’t know how I could find anything funny in something so shameful. I said well, I don’t see it as shameful. This black man ran shine successfully all through the south and was never caught by the feds or any damn body else (as far as I know) in a time when the south was lynching black men just cuz they were black men. She gave me a funny look then, like it was something she had never considered.

Sometimes new eyes can give a fresh perspective. Yeah *chuckle* my granddaddy was a smart one. I can’t think of why I should be ashamed of him. That’s smart right there. Legal? No, but still smart. But then, there weren’t that many jobs for blacks back then to earn a decent living. He did what he had to do to take care of and support his family. Doesn’t excuse him for the illegal aspect of it but I understand. *shrug* I’ve never really understood why it is illegal to brew your own hooch (I loves this word for homemade booze) anyway. Just like I don’t understand why marijuana is still illegal.

And please don’t give me the nonsense about the aforementioned being illegal becuz of how dangerous it is to make hooch or process (?) marijuana. If both were legal than people would be free to make safe brewers or marijuana processors to sell to the general public. *smacks forehead* Gee whiz! A whole new industry would pop up all becuz of the legalization of marijuana and homemade hooch.

Wait…is it still illegal to brew your own hooch? *makes note to research*

But anyways, yeah, this has been a great dumping ground. And I hope to dump yet more. Hopefully not all negative. I wanna share the good times, too. To write them down as they happen before memory rearranges them or worse yet loses them altogether. I got some great memories. I’d hate for that to happen.

One of my coworkers is dealing with the memory loss of her mom. She was telling me how they were reminding their mother of something that had happened only hours before. She said when her mother finally realized that her own children couldn’t be lying to her about something so simple she just broke down and cried. She said then they all cried. And I can understand why.

You see, even though I don’t have kids I’ve got some fantastic kid memories. My heart gets the biggest kick whenever I walk into the room and the kids in my life look up and see me. They get that light in their eyes that let me know I am loved and it is time to have fun and I do my best not to disappoint. I got some great memories behind that. Can you imagine losing those memories? Cuz there are things people can remind you about. The anniversary parties, birthday parties, graduation and deaths. But no one can restore the feelings that each of those memories held for you. When you lose your memory, you lose the feelings, too. I think that is the night, the void that I fear most. That emptiness of the mind. No memories, no loves, no hate, no passion, no feelings to remember at all…to remind you that you were ever loved, to remind you that you ever existed to anyone other than yourself.

Death? Sweety, that ain’t the end. Heck! I am not even sure that this life is the beginning but death is not the end.

But to become this empty void of a human being? That is a living death. I don’t know anyone I dislike enough to wish it on them.

*wipes away a few tears*

Yeah, so it is my hope and intention to continue to dump negative energy here and share the positive energy. So maybe one day when I am old and the void threatens to take me I can sit here and read and remember and it will all come back for a little while at least.

I guess, these are my little love notes to my future. *pause* I guess that’s good enough. It’s gonna have to be, right?

*tips water glass at monitor*