Remembering Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

I remember my mother reminiscing about his death. I remember she said I was still a baby in her arms the day he died. I remember her telling me how people rioted in the streets of Baltimore and burned the business district to the ground. She said it didn’t make sense to her because a FEW of the stores that were burned were the only NICE stores that would sell to blacks. You still had to shop in the basement of those stores though. And you had to check and recheck everything before you bought it because the items in the basement were usually returns from the Caucasian patrons and sometimes they came back dirty or damaged. But the stores would still sell them with new prices and for black patrons All Sales Are Final.

Sigh...

This morning, I heard a radio DJ speaking about the conspiracy theories about who killed Rev Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

Sigh...

That’s all anyone seems to want to dwell on. Who did it and why? Why can’t we dwell on what is important. Who he was, how he lived, and WHY he died.

Who he was to me?

He was a man. First, and foremost. No matter what faults you want to add to him. He was simply a man. But he was a man with a voice of reason cutting through the insanity of prejudice, war and sexism that you could not deny. His vision, to me, seemed to encompass the whole human race. The darker of us gave him birth, but the dream of a better world for EVERYONE was just that, for EVERYONE. No matter the color of your skin, how you decide to or not to worship God, what side of the Mason/Dixon line you live on, or which side of the equator for that matter.

Capitalism is not the enemy. Communism is not the enemy. Democracy is not the enemy. Imperialism is not the enemy. And dare I say it? Racism is not the enemy. Whatever you subscribe to is not the enemy. But rather how we behave toward each other. How we treat each other and the world around us. It is what is born in the heart of a person that affects that person and those around them. These things hold the whole of the human race back from reaching our highest potential. And we have such a wonderful potential for good, if only we would ALL reach for it.

How he lived. Again, its only the perception of a babe in the arms of her mother, but to me he lived to be a light shining the way toward a better future. A future where everyone has enough to eat, a place to live, and a fulfilling purpose in life. A future where they read about these struggles and just can’t comprehend what it must have been like in our here and now. A future where the color of your skin does not define your life. A future where the most important belief is one we all share. And that belief? That we may be different in our beliefs, politics, ethnicity, skin color, etc. but we are still all human beings and that is more important than anything else. In short, a future where we ALL actually do unto others as we would have them do unto us.

Why he died? Because we are still struggling and afraid. Some afraid we will never make and others afraid we will. Got you there, didn’t I? Why afraid we will make it?

Well, I was watching one of those news shows discussing the country with the highest citizen satisfaction. Its supposedly Finland. Who funds this type of research, I wonder, and how much did it cost me?

Anyway, the story went on and on about how people leave their children in their strollers/buggies outside of cafes while the parents go inside the café and enjoy their meals. How they are taxed 50% of their salary and all their medical and retirement needs are met. Crime rate low, etc, etc. You get the idea. There are socials and dances and people are content. Not happy, but content.

It sounds lovely. But I am not applying for citizenship anytime soon. Because even though the Finns trust their government and each other with impunity, I didn’t grow up in such a culture and I don’t know where I’d fit in there. There is that great fear that I wouldn’t be able to and would be an outcast. A loner. All the things we aspire NOT to be here in this world. In the USA, it doesn’t matter what you believe in, the color of your skin, etc, but there is always someone to join you in your beliefs...there...in Finland, did I mention they are all Caucasian?, I would be alone in my mistrust of the government system and people in general. I would not fit in and after 40-something years on this planet I can still be taught a lot of things but I don’t think I can be taught to just trust in people. So there is no place for me to belong.

Two paragraphs later, my answer to why Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King died is that others were afraid they would have no place in his future.

And still the struggle continues...may it not always be so.

Ok, picture this:

It is April 1st at about 5:45 pm on a Tuesday evening. I am sitting in my little green hornet at the red light at the intersection of Wasbash Avenue and Northern Parkway in Baltimore, MD (Charm City USA). Minding my own business and wondering why I am still working for a living. And having one of those talks with God that probably make Him rethink the whole making of me.

Anyway, I am in the right most lane. In the lane beside me (middle lane) there is a white car and infront of it a little red car and in front of that car a blue minivan. In front of the blue minivan is a black car that crossed in front of it in a ruse to get over to the left most lane.

I am sitting there fuming as my expensive gasoline turns into more fumes to add to the greenhouse affect going on in the world when I notice that the little red car starts to edge toward the blue minivan.

Where does he think he is going? I wonder because the light has shown no indication that it is ready to change to green. Cars are still whizzing by on Northern Parkway as I, on Wasbash, wait patiently to go.

Before I can blink - BANG! The red car hits the minivan.

Idiot! I think as I watch the guy in the red car and the guy in the minivan step out of their vehicles.

All of a sudden about 8-10 men start running by my car down Wasbash Avenue toward the two guys with guns out and pointing straight ahead and ready to shoot anything that moves! The driver of the red car grabs the driver of the blue minivan and drops him to the ground as the other men yell "Get down! Get down!"

At this point I am hoping, praying and assuming that these are police officers in plain clothes because I didn't see any badges displayed. They were holding their guns with both hands so that didn't leave a free hand to display a badge and that's perfectly understandable. I much prefer their guns to be steady, wouldn't you?

On the passenger side of my car is a grassy median strip and there is a car suddenly pulling up onto the grass beside me. Just as I start to get the idea that maybe I should be panicking the woman in the car in front of me - who by the way CUT ME OFF so she could be in front of me - panicks and throws her car into reverse and starts backing up. Suddenly, I am not so worried about all the men with guns drawn and raised because I know - after the day I have had - if the idiot in front of me backs into me she will be the next driver on the ground! There are about 10 cars behind me, a car beside me in the middle lane and an unmarked police car on the grassy median strip beside me. I have no where to go!

Just as her license plate disappears from my view and I brace for impact the light turns green, thank the Lord, and the car in front of her drives off. It took her another 10-15 seconds to get it together but she finally did and put her car in drive. You would think she should have been speeding through the light. Right?

Wrong! She recovered enough to stop and be nosey as we passed by. No, I didn't look as I passed by for fear I might see a family member or ex-boyfriend needing bail money or worse yet, calling out my name and having the police turn their guns my way...

I think I've come to a decision

Well they got back to me yesterday about the salary. Yes, HR is that slow. I am part of a very large company and that gives HR the excuse to be as slow as they like.

Anyway...the salary isn't that much more than what I make now. So what is my motivation to stay or go? I think more than anything else I am just struggling to keep up in my present job. This new job would be more of the same but safe...I could shine again. I don't shine now...ok, I have moments. But before I shined all the time. Everyone thought I was so great at my job and I was so bored I moved. Now I am bored again but not shining. Not shining at all.

I think...I'll still stay where I am. I do afterall have MOMENTS when I shine. And they are happening with a bit more frequency.

SIGH!

Not too tickled anymore...

The director who offered me a choice of jobs in the other department just quit. GEE! I REALLY want to take a job there!

I am just too tickled with me!

And I am too!

This morning as I passed through another department to get to my cubicle in my own department I was pulled into the office of that department's Director to offer me any of the 3 job openings that were available along with the job descriptions and salary for each position.

WOW!

WOW!

And, yes, WOWWWWWWWWWWWW!

First, and foremost, I am truly flattered that another department notices my work so much that they would offer me a job is just AMAZING to me. I know I have said I am bored but I do not let my work suffer because I am in a personal funk. If I feel I can't do my job on any given day then I take a "I am sick of my job" day and call out. To date, I have 32 sick days saved over the last five years. I don't have a lot of those type days. That's how I know my boredom is personal.

Anyway, I digress. I love saying that Back to the job offer. Its a great opportunity...but again...I would be under the direction of another woman...

The director who offered the position to me isn't the problem. Its the director's boss that might be the problem. Everyone seems to think the woman is crazy. She may be for all I know. But then I have worked for people who everyone swore was crazy and we got along just fine. Then I have worked for a couple loons too.

I have always made it a point of sitting down with my new boss and finding out what the heck they want from me, when, where, and how. That way if there are any misunderstandings down the road I can refer back to our first conversation and see what has changed. What did I miss and how to correct the problem and get back on track with my boss. That works for normal people. With the loons that I worked for...they didn't follow any particular track. They'd jump from place to place and swear that when things went wrong it was your fault for not warning them that they were headed in the wrong direction even if no one but they themselves knew where they were going.

So the questions are roiling around in my little head. What is the problem with the director's boss? Is everyone working to her expectations? Are her expectations too high? Is everyone doing their best?

Or is she a loon?

Memories of Momma

I like this picture. Someone sent it to me attached to something inspirational and I was immediately struck with the memory of my mother. Of being a child and just sitting and talking to my mother. Having that wonderful time to enjoy her. I remember her coming home from work, she had to have been dead tired, and asking me, a child, how was my day. And having the patience to sit and listen to my childish prattlings that jumped from subject to subject and back again. And she actually LISTENED! In them she got to know me. To know when I was lying and truthing. To know when it was time to go to school because my 1st grade teacher told our class that she didn't care if we came to school or not. To know who was picking on me and how I should deal with them. Teaching me how to handle with conflict so that I would not be under so much pressure that I would rather harm my classmates then learn how to have the last best laugh at those who would laugh at me.

New Job

I was offered a new job today...yip...eee...

I must be stuck on stupid or slow or something...It seems every 15 months I find a new job. I don't really know if I want a new job. I just know I want something!

The italics means I feel real emotion about that. I don't want to have a typical midlife crisis where I resolve nothing. And end up resigned to go quietly into the dark sweet night that is death. Or dark sweet life depending on what I am believing and praying for at any given moment.

Yes, I have prayed to not exist anymore. To live forever seems like too much. I can't quite wrap my mind around it. And if I did live forever, would I continue to be like this? Would I get to a point again in say, a million years or so when I was bored and there truly were no new horizons to explore? This leads to more questions and more questions and not enough time or energy or caring to keep typing about it.

Real emotion about my life and its not about a new job and a bigger paycheck. I told them yes, but I have time to say no. I'll think about it over the weekend and get back to them next week. Maybe...I could aways just not show up for the job...chuckle

I haven't done that in a minute. I don't advocate it. Never know when you will run across your coulda, shoulda, woulda been boss again. I was young and stupid and I think more than a little bit depressed. I woke up late for my new job and decided to skip it.

Crazy, huh?

I like the job I am in. I actually like the people I work with. And that is saying something. We are an office of 14 women. I have never liked working under women or with women. We tend to bring our problems to work and take them out on whoever is working under us or next to us for that matter. Yet, I have been at this job for 16 months and I still pretty much like everyone including my bosses.

Doesn't stop the boredom, though.

What to do? What to do?

Bored with...?

I keep wondering what is wrong with me? Is this my midlife crisis? Am I just an exceptional flake? Or an ordinary flake as I fear? There are people in the world with real suffering in their lives who would trade places with me in a blink. And I wouldn't trade places with some of them if my life depended on it. I know this and still...I am bored? Is that it? ?Boredom?

How can that be? I have a life...somewhat. More life than a lot of people and less life than a lot of people. I think I am some where in the middle...stuck in the middle...that's where it seems like I am.

Hmm...I am not where I was which should make me happy. I am not the person I once was but I am not the person I wanted to be. All the "Feel Good About Yourself Anyway" movies, songs, etc seem to say that's life. Well, it sucks. Period. No exclamation point. Once upon a time it would have been something to be upset about. Now there is this awful resignation about it all.

When I was a 20-something we use to say "LIABATUDE" and laugh. Life Is A Bitch And Then U Die. How did we know? And now it is not funny anymore.

I sit at work and shuffle papers around full of numbers. I fill them out, correct them and pass them on to the next cog in the wheel that is this Organization. It is very important work they tell me. And if I stand back and look at it all the way I have been trained it really is important work. But when I look at this work I do with these 40 something eyes I wonder what is the point beyond my next paycheck. My paycheck that doesn't cover nearly what I thought it would when I thought how wonderful it would be to make what I now make. No one told me that inflation would outrun my dreams.

Sigh...all while I work, eat, commute, and do what is called living there is a little refrain in the back of my mind, What do I do now? What is my next step? And I WANT TO GO HOME!

I think I want to go home more than anything else.

Home not to a house or some other abode but to the place where I belong. Where this boredom does not constantly drag at my spirit. Where I am excited about life and the fact that I am not what I wanted to be doesn't matter. Because somehow I don't think the life that I planned would have made me any less bored or kept the questions away.