Raul, my vibrator, died this morning. No, not while I was using him! Thank goodness! *sigh of relief* I will miss him dearly. *sigh* I wish I could say we had a long full life together but…I can’t remember how long I’ve had him.
See, I always joked that one of these days I was going to get tired of all the shenanigans and nonsense that comes with dating black men. I use to make my friends laugh all the time when we exhaled together that one of these days I was gonna give up on black men altogether. I was gonna go buy me a purple vibrator. I was gonna name it Raul and call it a life! *lol* I was joking. I had no idea that they even made vibrators in colors back then. That was back in the days when I wouldn’t even consider dating anyone other than a black man. *smh* So much wasted time.
Then one day, I was in the toy shop buying a wedding gift. Yes, if we are friends and you get married you will not receive a toaster, place setting, wine glasses or anything else remotely boring. You’ll get something from me that cannot be opened in the company of anyone other than your significant other. I am just trying to be helpful. And everyone’s SO loves me for it. That is of course as long as you follow through and use whatever it is I bought you.*lqtms* I’ve only had one complaint in all the years I’ve been doing this. I bought a really sexy piece of lingerie for a girlfriend. Her boyfriend told me don’t buy her any more of that stuff. *lol* He said it was gorgeous on her but it was just a tease cuz she promptly fell asleep in it and wouldn’t let him touch her. *lmbo*
I looked at her to see what the problem was. She rolled her eyes and said “Next time bring your azz home at a decent hour and sober and I’ll follow through!” *lol smh* Yeah, they didn’t last much longer after this.
So anyway, I’ve made so many trips to the various toy shops around Bmore that I forget whose wedding or when it was that I found Raul. I just remember standing at the register waiting to make my purchase when I looked over on the wall beside the register and my eyes landed on the vibrator display. There were a myriad of colors, lengths, widths and styles. *wiggling eyebrows up and down* One in particular caught my eye. It was a nice average size, 6-7 inches, average width and it was purple. *chuckle* And I was sold!
This morning I was awakened by this loud noise. We had a snow storm last night. I thought someone was outside using a snow blower to clear their walkway. Yes it was that loud! I was pissed too cuz it was 7:30. I got up to investigate only to find out that the noise wasn’t coming from outside. It was coming from my room. From the place where I keep Raul. I mean it was louder than anything I could have imagined Raul ever making. I had left Raul in the off position but I guess there was short (shut up) and he just turned on all by himself. I couldn't get him to turn off. (Shut up!) Then, Raul vibrated out his last.
Gracias, Raúl, para ayudarme satisface mis fantasías. Le faltarán.
Hmm, considering he had Made In China stamped on him perhaps I should say: 谢谢，Raul，帮助的我履行我的幻想。 您将丢失。
Either way, he will be missed.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Thursday, January 28, 2010
I just want to dump this and move on
Situation:
I got this coworker who is the same age as me. When I say same, I mean we were born in the same year, same month and two days apart. March 1967 must have been a cold boring month in Maryland becuz I’ve run into more than a few December babies from that year. *lqtms*
Anyhoodles, she has married a man who is much younger. She has two children that are not his and decided that she would like to have a baby by her husband.
Huh? We were both 41 when we were discussing this and I just couldn’t relate. I am still waiting to start boo hooing cuz I never had kids. It hasn’t happened yet but I imagine one day it will *shrug*. So if anyone should have been thinking about kids I thought it would be me. Not someone who already has a boy (20) and a girl (10) and she’s had her tubes tied.
So back in October she tells me her marriage is going bad and she and her husband have decided to split. Cool.
Then in November she is requesting sick leave to have her tubes untied.
*Scooby Doo confused rowr*
I needed to go take time out of my lunch and go sit in her office to understand what is going on. I am nosey but not to the point that I would go get into someone’s business. This day, I needed to be all up and through her business. I needed to understand why a woman with 2 kids would want yet another one at 41 soon to be 42 years of age. An infant at that! In a marriage that a month ago was broken.
She said that she wanted to have a baby by a man she was in love with and that they were in counseling. She wasn’t in love with the fathers of her other two kids.
No, that didn’t make any sense to me but then it ain’t my house and it really doesn’t have to make sense. I just needed an explanation. I got one, a crazy one but I got it.
Let me say here that the scariest thing to me right now would be to pop up pregnant at 42 years of age. Even more scary than it would have been at 22 years of age. Not that I couldn’t handle it. No it’s that at this point and time in my life I DON’T WANT TO HANDLE IT!!!! Sheesh! I’d lose my mind. I’ve been celibate for more than a minute now. And I think I might stay that way at least until after my 43rd birthday.
Why?
Because my mother was 42, as all my family takes joy in pointing out, when she gave birth to me. Yeah…my family is not funny at all. I didn’t crack them jokes when my 3 sisters all hit 42 but for me nothing but jokes since I turned 40. After 43 I think I can breathe again. *chuckle*
So back to my coworker. She goes on and has her tubes untied. *blink blink smh*
Now, she and her husband are separating. WTH?????????? *smh*
People. $20,000 pissed away.
Then she got an email from our boss about her comings and goings at work. I had a feeling that was coming eventually. Actually, 3 coworkers got the email about their “accessibility”. *smh* I am so glad my office isn’t down that hallway. I think one person, not the 42 year old, just got hit by association. *shrug* She’s always in her office when I go by. Now the other two? LOL I ain’t even going there.
There, I’ve dumped it and I can move on. This blog really is a good form of therapy. *chuckle*
*tips water bottle at monitor*
I got this coworker who is the same age as me. When I say same, I mean we were born in the same year, same month and two days apart. March 1967 must have been a cold boring month in Maryland becuz I’ve run into more than a few December babies from that year. *lqtms*
Anyhoodles, she has married a man who is much younger. She has two children that are not his and decided that she would like to have a baby by her husband.
Huh? We were both 41 when we were discussing this and I just couldn’t relate. I am still waiting to start boo hooing cuz I never had kids. It hasn’t happened yet but I imagine one day it will *shrug*. So if anyone should have been thinking about kids I thought it would be me. Not someone who already has a boy (20) and a girl (10) and she’s had her tubes tied.
So back in October she tells me her marriage is going bad and she and her husband have decided to split. Cool.
Then in November she is requesting sick leave to have her tubes untied.
*Scooby Doo confused rowr*
I needed to go take time out of my lunch and go sit in her office to understand what is going on. I am nosey but not to the point that I would go get into someone’s business. This day, I needed to be all up and through her business. I needed to understand why a woman with 2 kids would want yet another one at 41 soon to be 42 years of age. An infant at that! In a marriage that a month ago was broken.
She said that she wanted to have a baby by a man she was in love with and that they were in counseling. She wasn’t in love with the fathers of her other two kids.
No, that didn’t make any sense to me but then it ain’t my house and it really doesn’t have to make sense. I just needed an explanation. I got one, a crazy one but I got it.
Let me say here that the scariest thing to me right now would be to pop up pregnant at 42 years of age. Even more scary than it would have been at 22 years of age. Not that I couldn’t handle it. No it’s that at this point and time in my life I DON’T WANT TO HANDLE IT!!!! Sheesh! I’d lose my mind. I’ve been celibate for more than a minute now. And I think I might stay that way at least until after my 43rd birthday.
Why?
Because my mother was 42, as all my family takes joy in pointing out, when she gave birth to me. Yeah…my family is not funny at all. I didn’t crack them jokes when my 3 sisters all hit 42 but for me nothing but jokes since I turned 40. After 43 I think I can breathe again. *chuckle*
So back to my coworker. She goes on and has her tubes untied. *blink blink smh*
Now, she and her husband are separating. WTH?????????? *smh*
People. $20,000 pissed away.
Then she got an email from our boss about her comings and goings at work. I had a feeling that was coming eventually. Actually, 3 coworkers got the email about their “accessibility”. *smh* I am so glad my office isn’t down that hallway. I think one person, not the 42 year old, just got hit by association. *shrug* She’s always in her office when I go by. Now the other two? LOL I ain’t even going there.
There, I’ve dumped it and I can move on. This blog really is a good form of therapy. *chuckle*
*tips water bottle at monitor*
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Christmas 2009
Sooooooo, my GFN did it again. *chuckle*
Let me start by saying I do love my GFN. She's funny and beautiful and she' wants very much to be ghetto-fabulous. She does not succeed. But she keeps trying. *chuckle* If only we could redirect her energy somewhere positive and productive.
Anyhoodles, a little background: She has shown up not once but twice *lol* with fake engagement rings trying to fool people. They were such bad fakes they didn't fool the kids *lol*. She married fake number two and he got a real diamond ring and band afterward. It don't look nothing like the other one .
This Christmas she left her husband of 2 years and moved into an expensive azz townhouse in an exclusive area that I know she is working herself into the ground to afford. Her mother moved into help her with the bills. They are sleeping on air mattresses according to Sissy, her mother.
So it's Christmas Eve and her child is laying on the floor playing and kicking a purse. There are plenty of people in the house. I have no idea whose purse he is kicking and I could care less. It is just a purse.
She looks down and sees her son kicking her purse and snatches her purse. "Give me my $800 purse."
I know the look I gave her was shock. She must have mistook it for being impressed. I looked over at my other sisters. You sleeping on an air mattress but you just bought the newest Louis Vuitton? GTFOH!!!!
*LOL* It was serious on Christmas but I've dumped some negative energy and now its just sadly funny.
I hope she gets her life together before she ends up like her mother, Sissy, without a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of.
Bottomline, neither of their lives is my life. I love 'em both but they gotta do them and I damn sure am gonna do me. Cutting ties, people. I am cutting ties. Blood and others. Anyone not contributing good energy gotta go. I've met total strangers who are more supportive than some of my own kin and friends who have known me for years.
I am growing and changing in many new and positive ways. I need people doing the same thing and I am going to go find them.
*smooches*
Let me start by saying I do love my GFN. She's funny and beautiful and she' wants very much to be ghetto-fabulous. She does not succeed. But she keeps trying. *chuckle* If only we could redirect her energy somewhere positive and productive.
Anyhoodles, a little background: She has shown up not once but twice *lol* with fake engagement rings trying to fool people. They were such bad fakes they didn't fool the kids *lol*. She married fake number two and he got a real diamond ring and band afterward. It don't look nothing like the other one .
This Christmas she left her husband of 2 years and moved into an expensive azz townhouse in an exclusive area that I know she is working herself into the ground to afford. Her mother moved into help her with the bills. They are sleeping on air mattresses according to Sissy, her mother.
So it's Christmas Eve and her child is laying on the floor playing and kicking a purse. There are plenty of people in the house. I have no idea whose purse he is kicking and I could care less. It is just a purse.
She looks down and sees her son kicking her purse and snatches her purse. "Give me my $800 purse."
I know the look I gave her was shock. She must have mistook it for being impressed. I looked over at my other sisters. You sleeping on an air mattress but you just bought the newest Louis Vuitton? GTFOH!!!!
*LOL* It was serious on Christmas but I've dumped some negative energy and now its just sadly funny.
I hope she gets her life together before she ends up like her mother, Sissy, without a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of.
Bottomline, neither of their lives is my life. I love 'em both but they gotta do them and I damn sure am gonna do me. Cutting ties, people. I am cutting ties. Blood and others. Anyone not contributing good energy gotta go. I've met total strangers who are more supportive than some of my own kin and friends who have known me for years.
I am growing and changing in many new and positive ways. I need people doing the same thing and I am going to go find them.
*smooches*
Sunday, January 24, 2010
A little clarification...very little.
I decided to clarify something I said in last Sunday’s post. The reason?
Well, my GFN gave me a new wallet for Christmas. As I was cleaning out the old wallet I ran across numbers from guys who I can’t remember their faces or why I didn’t call them. Usually, if a guy strikes me as someone I want to get to know better I’ll put his number in my cell. If it doesn’t work out the numbers remain there until I get a new cell. The only numbers I transfer are my staid and true family and friends.
So, I know there has to be a reason these guys ended up on paper instead of in my cell. I would love to remember why. So I know someday I will read that earlier post again and wonder why I wasn’t giving that guy a chance.
So here’s his story. I met this guy, whose name I have already forgotten *chuckle*, as I was leaving my dentist’s office. Gotta get my wisdom teeth pulled…help me I am such a wimp. Anyway, we strike up a conversation and he asks me for my number. Something told me that I shouldn’t do it. *pause* Now I remember why I don’t remember his name. I didn’t ask him and he forgot to volunteer it. Or maybe he did and I didn’t bother to remember it. *snicker*
So we are talking and he is trying to enter my cell number into his cell. He doesn’t know how to do it. So for some reason, I volunteer to do it for him. Still, strike one. He says he’s had the cell for a month or two but doesn’t know how to program his own phone. Yeah…who did you borrow that phone from? Or where did you find the phone, hon? Either way it doesn’t matter. I have a sincere problem with people who buy top of the line anything and then don’t have either a clue or the time to learn how to use it. I am not going to be texting you on your Blackberry and you have no idea how to respond. So you call me in the middle of a meeting. The whole point of me texting you was so that I could communicate discretely you mook!
Strike two: He asked me my marital status. I told him single. I didn’t even bother to ask his. I must truly have psychic abilities *lol* cuz something in me knew I wasn’t gonna like the answer. Not to worry, he volunteered that he is married but separated. Ok, no hook ups but we can be friends...maybe. I ask how long he has been separated and he says 3 years. *blink* I ask, what is the hold up? Meaning what is the hold up on the divorce. That isn’t what he thought I meant obviously becuz his reply was and I quote:
“I keep trying to go back to my wife but she says I am fine where I am. So I’ll probably end up divorced.”
Strike 3 you are out and gimme back my phone number man! *rubbing forehead chuckling*
You gotta keep a sense of humor about this stuff otherwise you will end up in Sheppard Pratt (local mental hospital).
He was determined to change my mind though. He’s in the church you know. Uh huh and trying to pick up women while you are still married is a major no-no in the church. *smh*
Oh mercy. Well let me get back to cooking. These veggies won’t stir fry themselves.
*tips spatula at monitor*
Well, my GFN gave me a new wallet for Christmas. As I was cleaning out the old wallet I ran across numbers from guys who I can’t remember their faces or why I didn’t call them. Usually, if a guy strikes me as someone I want to get to know better I’ll put his number in my cell. If it doesn’t work out the numbers remain there until I get a new cell. The only numbers I transfer are my staid and true family and friends.
So, I know there has to be a reason these guys ended up on paper instead of in my cell. I would love to remember why. So I know someday I will read that earlier post again and wonder why I wasn’t giving that guy a chance.
So here’s his story. I met this guy, whose name I have already forgotten *chuckle*, as I was leaving my dentist’s office. Gotta get my wisdom teeth pulled…help me I am such a wimp. Anyway, we strike up a conversation and he asks me for my number. Something told me that I shouldn’t do it. *pause* Now I remember why I don’t remember his name. I didn’t ask him and he forgot to volunteer it. Or maybe he did and I didn’t bother to remember it. *snicker*
So we are talking and he is trying to enter my cell number into his cell. He doesn’t know how to do it. So for some reason, I volunteer to do it for him. Still, strike one. He says he’s had the cell for a month or two but doesn’t know how to program his own phone. Yeah…who did you borrow that phone from? Or where did you find the phone, hon? Either way it doesn’t matter. I have a sincere problem with people who buy top of the line anything and then don’t have either a clue or the time to learn how to use it. I am not going to be texting you on your Blackberry and you have no idea how to respond. So you call me in the middle of a meeting. The whole point of me texting you was so that I could communicate discretely you mook!
Strike two: He asked me my marital status. I told him single. I didn’t even bother to ask his. I must truly have psychic abilities *lol* cuz something in me knew I wasn’t gonna like the answer. Not to worry, he volunteered that he is married but separated. Ok, no hook ups but we can be friends...maybe. I ask how long he has been separated and he says 3 years. *blink* I ask, what is the hold up? Meaning what is the hold up on the divorce. That isn’t what he thought I meant obviously becuz his reply was and I quote:
“I keep trying to go back to my wife but she says I am fine where I am. So I’ll probably end up divorced.”
Strike 3 you are out and gimme back my phone number man! *rubbing forehead chuckling*
You gotta keep a sense of humor about this stuff otherwise you will end up in Sheppard Pratt (local mental hospital).
He was determined to change my mind though. He’s in the church you know. Uh huh and trying to pick up women while you are still married is a major no-no in the church. *smh*
Oh mercy. Well let me get back to cooking. These veggies won’t stir fry themselves.
*tips spatula at monitor*
Friday, January 22, 2010
Take that PETA!!!!!
I am posting this for no other reason than the fact I like fur, as long as its not endangered and treated ethically. Also, if I had 3 wishes the first one would be to be Amber Rose's smarter, more talented clone! lol I don't know how much Kanye is paying her to be with him but it ain't enough. I found this on BallerAlert.com.Amber Rose and that Kanye fellow
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
What's wrong with people?
*getting up on soapbox*
*flexes fingers and clears throat*
I need to vent. That’s all but if someone can enlighten me on what the hell is wrong with people then go for it.
This morning as I was headed off to work I got a couple texts. I waited until I got on the subway to check them. Once I start texting I can end up being late for work. LOL A few of my friends take public transportation so we keep each other company by texting. It’s quiet and confidential.
Anyway, one of my friendly acquaintances (she don’t know any of my dirt so she ain’t a friend) texted me that she had slept with a guy. Ok, I am shaking my head becuz this is the first I have heard anything about a new guy. Just yesterday she was fuming over some guy that she had one date with and then he didn’t speak to her for over a week. Then last night she hooks up with some guy and slept with him.
I texted back: Tell me u used condoms.
She texted back: A good time was had by all.
I texted back: That’s not what I asked u!!!! Be safe!
I haven’t heard back from her since.
What the hell is wrong with people? I mean seriously. Did we cure AIDS and Herpes and no one told me? I just don’t get it. I don’t get people. An AIDS related illness is a horrible way to go. I’ve seen it. And herpes pretty much is the end of your sex life. You can pass herpes even if you aren’t having an outbreak. So if you are a responsible adult that means you don’t have sex without informing your partner that you have it. And knowing what I know about both STDs, we would be good friends without benefits if I knew a guy I was dating was infected with either. Why would you take a chance with your health like that?
I enjoy sex IMMENSELY! But it ain’t worth dying over. A few years back Bmore had these signs all over the buses and subways that read: “You have to die from something but it doesn’t have to be AIDS.”
Someone rather smart rewrote one subway sign to read: “You have to live from something but it doesn’t have to be fucking.”
To me when you don’t take the proper precautions with sex you are basically saying that sex is more important than being alive and healthy.
Again, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE? This is like the second friend that I’ve had confirmation that they don’t use condoms.
The first, my college buddy (MCB), said she trusts that God won’t send her an HIV positive man. My come back is that God also gave you common sense and the knowledge on how to protect yourself. Use it!!!! *crickets*
I just don’t get it. Is it becuz I’ve actually worked in a hospital and I have been through the AIDS floor that makes me more heated about the subject? I saw people with full blown AIDS and those HIV+ become the untouchable…in a hospital!
I remember one morning we got an email asking for volunteers to come to the nursery to hold the HIV+ babies becuz their own family members wouldn’t do so. Oh it broke my heart and still brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it.
I was a little busy that morning so I didn’t call the nursery to volunteer until later in the morning. You can’t catch AIDS or become HIV+ by just holding someone who is infected. And I love newborn babies! I couldn’t think of a better way to spend my lunch hour. Fortunately for the babies they had an overwhelming response by hospital staff. So unfortunately for me I had to go on a volunteer waiting list. I never did get to hold the babies. *small quick pout*
A baby. An infant. Someone who is truly an innocent victim of this disease and no one in the child’s own family wants to hold them. Not the mother or father that infected the child. Not grandma, grandpa, aunty, uncle, cousin…nobody. And still people are playing sexual roulette with their lives and health.
I just don’t get it.
Ok. I am done ranting for the moment.
*stepping down off soapbox smh*
*flexes fingers and clears throat*
I need to vent. That’s all but if someone can enlighten me on what the hell is wrong with people then go for it.
This morning as I was headed off to work I got a couple texts. I waited until I got on the subway to check them. Once I start texting I can end up being late for work. LOL A few of my friends take public transportation so we keep each other company by texting. It’s quiet and confidential.
Anyway, one of my friendly acquaintances (she don’t know any of my dirt so she ain’t a friend) texted me that she had slept with a guy. Ok, I am shaking my head becuz this is the first I have heard anything about a new guy. Just yesterday she was fuming over some guy that she had one date with and then he didn’t speak to her for over a week. Then last night she hooks up with some guy and slept with him.
I texted back: Tell me u used condoms.
She texted back: A good time was had by all.
I texted back: That’s not what I asked u!!!! Be safe!
I haven’t heard back from her since.
What the hell is wrong with people? I mean seriously. Did we cure AIDS and Herpes and no one told me? I just don’t get it. I don’t get people. An AIDS related illness is a horrible way to go. I’ve seen it. And herpes pretty much is the end of your sex life. You can pass herpes even if you aren’t having an outbreak. So if you are a responsible adult that means you don’t have sex without informing your partner that you have it. And knowing what I know about both STDs, we would be good friends without benefits if I knew a guy I was dating was infected with either. Why would you take a chance with your health like that?
I enjoy sex IMMENSELY! But it ain’t worth dying over. A few years back Bmore had these signs all over the buses and subways that read: “You have to die from something but it doesn’t have to be AIDS.”
Someone rather smart rewrote one subway sign to read: “You have to live from something but it doesn’t have to be fucking.”
To me when you don’t take the proper precautions with sex you are basically saying that sex is more important than being alive and healthy.
Again, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE? This is like the second friend that I’ve had confirmation that they don’t use condoms.
The first, my college buddy (MCB), said she trusts that God won’t send her an HIV positive man. My come back is that God also gave you common sense and the knowledge on how to protect yourself. Use it!!!! *crickets*
I just don’t get it. Is it becuz I’ve actually worked in a hospital and I have been through the AIDS floor that makes me more heated about the subject? I saw people with full blown AIDS and those HIV+ become the untouchable…in a hospital!
I remember one morning we got an email asking for volunteers to come to the nursery to hold the HIV+ babies becuz their own family members wouldn’t do so. Oh it broke my heart and still brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it.
I was a little busy that morning so I didn’t call the nursery to volunteer until later in the morning. You can’t catch AIDS or become HIV+ by just holding someone who is infected. And I love newborn babies! I couldn’t think of a better way to spend my lunch hour. Fortunately for the babies they had an overwhelming response by hospital staff. So unfortunately for me I had to go on a volunteer waiting list. I never did get to hold the babies. *small quick pout*
A baby. An infant. Someone who is truly an innocent victim of this disease and no one in the child’s own family wants to hold them. Not the mother or father that infected the child. Not grandma, grandpa, aunty, uncle, cousin…nobody. And still people are playing sexual roulette with their lives and health.
I just don’t get it.
Ok. I am done ranting for the moment.
*stepping down off soapbox smh*
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Monday, January 11, 2010
Crossroads
I am standing at a great precipice in my life and…I am a little scared. I don’t know quite which way to go. Or should I go? Or…I know but I don’t want to know.
*head hurts*
*sigh*
I’m making this a lot more difficult than it has to be, aren’t I?
I am at a place in my life where it’s time to cut some dead weight. Figuratively and literally in a lot of ways and I am scared.
If I take the jump there are people that will be left behind. They’ve been with me so long and I am afraid to let them go. They’ve been there through the good and the bad, the highs and the lows, the laughter and the tears. But I am growing and they are not. But they have been there through so much for me…I…I just don’t know how to let go. I don’t know how to walk away. I don’t want to go.
There is at least one friend that I know has to go…
And there is part of me that I know has to go…
I don’t know what scares me more, losing the friend or that part of me. It's not like friends are a dime a dozen these days. And that part of me has been so integral to getting me where I am now.
There is a part of me that is still that little girl from the projects…and…she doesn’t fit in where I want to go.
*teary sigh*
I love that part of me. She is strong and smart and resilient. She is also small minded, ignorant, loud, crude and all things ghetto. She does not belong on cruise ships, Aspen, at jazz festivals, high tea, or on planes, trains or in limos.
I find myself slipping back and forth between where I want to go and who I can be and who I am/was. I love the possibilities of where I can go. But I love who I am/was. How do I just let go of the person that got me where I am? But I have to, don’t I? She does not belong. And it’s scaring me to death.
I feel like I am betraying who I am…but if I stay as I am then I betraying my future...oh hell. Why did I have to grow up?
*head hurts*
*sigh*
I’m making this a lot more difficult than it has to be, aren’t I?
I am at a place in my life where it’s time to cut some dead weight. Figuratively and literally in a lot of ways and I am scared.
If I take the jump there are people that will be left behind. They’ve been with me so long and I am afraid to let them go. They’ve been there through the good and the bad, the highs and the lows, the laughter and the tears. But I am growing and they are not. But they have been there through so much for me…I…I just don’t know how to let go. I don’t know how to walk away. I don’t want to go.
There is at least one friend that I know has to go…
And there is part of me that I know has to go…
I don’t know what scares me more, losing the friend or that part of me. It's not like friends are a dime a dozen these days. And that part of me has been so integral to getting me where I am now.
There is a part of me that is still that little girl from the projects…and…she doesn’t fit in where I want to go.
*teary sigh*
I love that part of me. She is strong and smart and resilient. She is also small minded, ignorant, loud, crude and all things ghetto. She does not belong on cruise ships, Aspen, at jazz festivals, high tea, or on planes, trains or in limos.
I find myself slipping back and forth between where I want to go and who I can be and who I am/was. I love the possibilities of where I can go. But I love who I am/was. How do I just let go of the person that got me where I am? But I have to, don’t I? She does not belong. And it’s scaring me to death.
I feel like I am betraying who I am…but if I stay as I am then I betraying my future...oh hell. Why did I have to grow up?
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Adventures on the Internet
Happy New Year!
Again! *chuckles*
My Christmas was interesting. I am working on that post but it’s complicated and I’m trying to make it less so. *shrug* I’m trying.
In the meantime, I wanted to speak about my new lurking spot. Just a little bit.
Like I said in another post, I stopped going to my old spot becuz it would be too weird with My Obsession there. I’d kind a feel like I was stalking him or something.
Oh snap! But I did set up another blog for him to check out. You see, I am kind of a closet writer of sorts. I’m no Stephen King, Mary Monroe, or Sidney Sheldon or anything. It’s just something I do for kicks and relaxation. Anyhoodles, My Obsession told me this dream that kind of inspired a short story that is turning into a novella. *smh chuckling* I thought I would be finished by now but I am not. So I posted what I had completed there and sent him a link. He is supposed to be moving sometime this month to a place with limited internet access. I figured he could check my progress whenever (or if ever) he got the time or inclination. I haven’t heard back from him so he may already be gone. I hope he likes it. If not, oh well I tried.
Anyway, this new spot is just perfect for me. If you make a comment they don’t like no one tells you to die, drink bleach and die, or suck a dyck. *snort chuckle* Truly, the old spot could be fun but one or two of them could be kind of scary if they didn’t like your opinion. I know one day someone made a comment about there being a clique there and a member of the clique came out to say that’s not true. As I sat there reading what got me was not the fact that no one else chimed in to say they agreed there is a clique on that site. What got me was that fact that NO ONE chimed in to agree with the clique member that there is no clique on the site. *chuckle*
There are cliques on most of the popular sites. And that’s fine. It’s the clique that makes it interesting and that will make you want to sit awhile and get to know the site. There’s nothing wrong with a clique as long as the clique plays fair and nice.
I didn’t invite my clique here…well…becuz…at some point I am gonna blog about all of them. LOL
What drew me into this new spot was the thread about how we women lie to men and this was the thread to tell him what you always wanted to tell him. I was in tears reading the responses. TEARS!!!! A gay man chimed in and iDied and was resuscitated. So that made me look around and try to get a feel for the place.
It’s one of those members’ spots. You don’t have to be a member to lurk only to post. But once you become a member you can actually start your own thread. One thread in particular had me ready to sign up cuz though they did get to arguing no one was told to die, drink bleach, etc. But I didn’t have to becuz everyone ended up saying everything I wanted to say.
Anyway the thread author wanted to know what to do about her man. Long story short she didn’t like the advice she was given. The thread was a few weeks old. So the author had come back a few times with updates and disparaging remarks about the advice she didn’t like.
Hoe-kay! Why did a clique member come back with a link to a past thread where the author questioned what to do about the fact that her man’s sex skillz had suddenly fallen off? Then the clique member asked her was this the same dude. It took her 24 hours to respond that yes it was. The told her dump two months ago. They told her to dump him in December. She does not like that advice and the argument that ensued was priceless.
I.
Am.
A.
Fan.
And.
I.
Am.
Hooked.
That is all. *laughing all loud and rude*
I needed that laugh. Cuz, while tooling around the net looking for a new place to lurk I found another blog by a guy who was once on the down low. In case you don’t know, a man (or woman for that matter) on the down low is a person who is presenting themselves to the world as heterosexual and secretly having homosexual affairs. He is a black man from the same area as me and reading his blog just made me so sad.
I read his most recent post first and he is no longer on the down low but he discusses his lovers who are on the down low. However, when he started the blog he was married with kids. It was just amazing how he found time to meet with men. One day he had three sexual encounters with men. The last encounter was a threesome! All while carrying on a marriage and family and job.
*smh very sadly*
I am reading from the beginning forward. These men just play Russian roulette with their women and children’s lives. They don’t seem to care. After reading just a few of his posts I just got really sad. I got the feeling that black people would all be dead from AIDS by the end of this century. I hope that will change as I continue reading his blog.
So many of my friends don’t know their status. They don’t ask their men to get tested for STDs. They tell me that they trust that God won’t send them an HIV+ man. Yeah, ok. But He also gives you common sense and knowledge on how to protect yourself. Use it! They ain’t hearing me.
I guess because I have had the chance to look into the faces of AIDS it has affected me. It is no way to die. And all you have to do is love yourself enough to get tested, test the people you are having sex with, and practice the safest sex possible.
AND DAMN IT BE HONEST ABOUT YOUR SEXUAL ORIENTATION!
It’s not fair for you to lie about that. Men who live on the down low live very dangerous lives. That’s your choice but it’s not the choice of your wives, girlfriends and children.
The black men who do it say that they lie because society won’t let them be gay.
I ain’t buying it. I have never known anyone to be able to stop a black man from doing any damn thing he wanted to do. Except of course a black man.
My humble opinion? I think they hate themselves. Only self hate could make you risk your own life and the lives of the people who love you.
Just my humble opinion.
*tips water bottle at monitor*
Again! *chuckles*
My Christmas was interesting. I am working on that post but it’s complicated and I’m trying to make it less so. *shrug* I’m trying.
In the meantime, I wanted to speak about my new lurking spot. Just a little bit.
Like I said in another post, I stopped going to my old spot becuz it would be too weird with My Obsession there. I’d kind a feel like I was stalking him or something.
Oh snap! But I did set up another blog for him to check out. You see, I am kind of a closet writer of sorts. I’m no Stephen King, Mary Monroe, or Sidney Sheldon or anything. It’s just something I do for kicks and relaxation. Anyhoodles, My Obsession told me this dream that kind of inspired a short story that is turning into a novella. *smh chuckling* I thought I would be finished by now but I am not. So I posted what I had completed there and sent him a link. He is supposed to be moving sometime this month to a place with limited internet access. I figured he could check my progress whenever (or if ever) he got the time or inclination. I haven’t heard back from him so he may already be gone. I hope he likes it. If not, oh well I tried.
Anyway, this new spot is just perfect for me. If you make a comment they don’t like no one tells you to die, drink bleach and die, or suck a dyck. *snort chuckle* Truly, the old spot could be fun but one or two of them could be kind of scary if they didn’t like your opinion. I know one day someone made a comment about there being a clique there and a member of the clique came out to say that’s not true. As I sat there reading what got me was not the fact that no one else chimed in to say they agreed there is a clique on that site. What got me was that fact that NO ONE chimed in to agree with the clique member that there is no clique on the site. *chuckle*
There are cliques on most of the popular sites. And that’s fine. It’s the clique that makes it interesting and that will make you want to sit awhile and get to know the site. There’s nothing wrong with a clique as long as the clique plays fair and nice.
I didn’t invite my clique here…well…becuz…at some point I am gonna blog about all of them. LOL
What drew me into this new spot was the thread about how we women lie to men and this was the thread to tell him what you always wanted to tell him. I was in tears reading the responses. TEARS!!!! A gay man chimed in and iDied and was resuscitated. So that made me look around and try to get a feel for the place.
It’s one of those members’ spots. You don’t have to be a member to lurk only to post. But once you become a member you can actually start your own thread. One thread in particular had me ready to sign up cuz though they did get to arguing no one was told to die, drink bleach, etc. But I didn’t have to becuz everyone ended up saying everything I wanted to say.
Anyway the thread author wanted to know what to do about her man. Long story short she didn’t like the advice she was given. The thread was a few weeks old. So the author had come back a few times with updates and disparaging remarks about the advice she didn’t like.
Hoe-kay! Why did a clique member come back with a link to a past thread where the author questioned what to do about the fact that her man’s sex skillz had suddenly fallen off? Then the clique member asked her was this the same dude. It took her 24 hours to respond that yes it was. The told her dump two months ago. They told her to dump him in December. She does not like that advice and the argument that ensued was priceless.
I.
Am.
A.
Fan.
And.
I.
Am.
Hooked.
That is all. *laughing all loud and rude*
I needed that laugh. Cuz, while tooling around the net looking for a new place to lurk I found another blog by a guy who was once on the down low. In case you don’t know, a man (or woman for that matter) on the down low is a person who is presenting themselves to the world as heterosexual and secretly having homosexual affairs. He is a black man from the same area as me and reading his blog just made me so sad.
I read his most recent post first and he is no longer on the down low but he discusses his lovers who are on the down low. However, when he started the blog he was married with kids. It was just amazing how he found time to meet with men. One day he had three sexual encounters with men. The last encounter was a threesome! All while carrying on a marriage and family and job.
*smh very sadly*
I am reading from the beginning forward. These men just play Russian roulette with their women and children’s lives. They don’t seem to care. After reading just a few of his posts I just got really sad. I got the feeling that black people would all be dead from AIDS by the end of this century. I hope that will change as I continue reading his blog.
So many of my friends don’t know their status. They don’t ask their men to get tested for STDs. They tell me that they trust that God won’t send them an HIV+ man. Yeah, ok. But He also gives you common sense and knowledge on how to protect yourself. Use it! They ain’t hearing me.
I guess because I have had the chance to look into the faces of AIDS it has affected me. It is no way to die. And all you have to do is love yourself enough to get tested, test the people you are having sex with, and practice the safest sex possible.
AND DAMN IT BE HONEST ABOUT YOUR SEXUAL ORIENTATION!
It’s not fair for you to lie about that. Men who live on the down low live very dangerous lives. That’s your choice but it’s not the choice of your wives, girlfriends and children.
The black men who do it say that they lie because society won’t let them be gay.
I ain’t buying it. I have never known anyone to be able to stop a black man from doing any damn thing he wanted to do. Except of course a black man.
My humble opinion? I think they hate themselves. Only self hate could make you risk your own life and the lives of the people who love you.
Just my humble opinion.
*tips water bottle at monitor*
Friday, January 1, 2010
Happy New Year!
I love New Year’s Day morning.
It is my favorite holiday morning of the year. Know why?
Cuz, it is beautifully, blessedly quiet. People have been up most of the night doing things they need to recover from. So they sleep in the next morning and it’s a beautiful silent thing and I love it!
No, children screeching up and down the street with their new bikes, skates and boards. Their parents don't want to hear that noise this early for one. Second, the kids were probably allowed to stay up late too so the little urchins are sleeping in, too.
Most businesses and offices are closed so there are few cars racing up and down the street. Even the sirens seem to take a break on New Year's Day morning. Everyone has unplugged tree lights and window lights, and any other light that could cause and electrical fire. The criminals seem invisible...for these few early moments of the new year anyway.
Death and Sickness don't hold back but they seem to slow down just a bit. As if Death and Sickness, take a morning break in the new year to sit down and share a coffee and give humanity a break for a minute or two. No more.
The Eve night's revelers and worshipers have all done their best and worst in saying farewell to the old year and hello to the new year. Now there is this silence that is almost holy.
And I revel in it yearly. In this beautiful quiet I can see the miracle that my life has been. Indeed, the miracle that life is and the possibilities and opportunities that still abound while I yet draw breath.
It's a beautiful time. In those first few beautiful quiet moments of the new year I actually don't mind the song What a Wonderful World. Cuz I can actually believe its true.
Happy New Year World!
It is my favorite holiday morning of the year. Know why?
Cuz, it is beautifully, blessedly quiet. People have been up most of the night doing things they need to recover from. So they sleep in the next morning and it’s a beautiful silent thing and I love it!
No, children screeching up and down the street with their new bikes, skates and boards. Their parents don't want to hear that noise this early for one. Second, the kids were probably allowed to stay up late too so the little urchins are sleeping in, too.
Most businesses and offices are closed so there are few cars racing up and down the street. Even the sirens seem to take a break on New Year's Day morning. Everyone has unplugged tree lights and window lights, and any other light that could cause and electrical fire. The criminals seem invisible...for these few early moments of the new year anyway.
Death and Sickness don't hold back but they seem to slow down just a bit. As if Death and Sickness, take a morning break in the new year to sit down and share a coffee and give humanity a break for a minute or two. No more.
The Eve night's revelers and worshipers have all done their best and worst in saying farewell to the old year and hello to the new year. Now there is this silence that is almost holy.
And I revel in it yearly. In this beautiful quiet I can see the miracle that my life has been. Indeed, the miracle that life is and the possibilities and opportunities that still abound while I yet draw breath.
It's a beautiful time. In those first few beautiful quiet moments of the new year I actually don't mind the song What a Wonderful World. Cuz I can actually believe its true.
Happy New Year World!
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