I think I've come to a decision

Well they got back to me yesterday about the salary. Yes, HR is that slow. I am part of a very large company and that gives HR the excuse to be as slow as they like.

Anyway...the salary isn't that much more than what I make now. So what is my motivation to stay or go? I think more than anything else I am just struggling to keep up in my present job. This new job would be more of the same but safe...I could shine again. I don't shine now...ok, I have moments. But before I shined all the time. Everyone thought I was so great at my job and I was so bored I moved. Now I am bored again but not shining. Not shining at all.

I think...I'll still stay where I am. I do afterall have MOMENTS when I shine. And they are happening with a bit more frequency.

SIGH!

Not too tickled anymore...

The director who offered me a choice of jobs in the other department just quit. GEE! I REALLY want to take a job there!

I am just too tickled with me!

And I am too!

This morning as I passed through another department to get to my cubicle in my own department I was pulled into the office of that department's Director to offer me any of the 3 job openings that were available along with the job descriptions and salary for each position.

WOW!

WOW!

And, yes, WOWWWWWWWWWWWW!

First, and foremost, I am truly flattered that another department notices my work so much that they would offer me a job is just AMAZING to me. I know I have said I am bored but I do not let my work suffer because I am in a personal funk. If I feel I can't do my job on any given day then I take a "I am sick of my job" day and call out. To date, I have 32 sick days saved over the last five years. I don't have a lot of those type days. That's how I know my boredom is personal.

Anyway, I digress. I love saying that Back to the job offer. Its a great opportunity...but again...I would be under the direction of another woman...

The director who offered the position to me isn't the problem. Its the director's boss that might be the problem. Everyone seems to think the woman is crazy. She may be for all I know. But then I have worked for people who everyone swore was crazy and we got along just fine. Then I have worked for a couple loons too.

I have always made it a point of sitting down with my new boss and finding out what the heck they want from me, when, where, and how. That way if there are any misunderstandings down the road I can refer back to our first conversation and see what has changed. What did I miss and how to correct the problem and get back on track with my boss. That works for normal people. With the loons that I worked for...they didn't follow any particular track. They'd jump from place to place and swear that when things went wrong it was your fault for not warning them that they were headed in the wrong direction even if no one but they themselves knew where they were going.

So the questions are roiling around in my little head. What is the problem with the director's boss? Is everyone working to her expectations? Are her expectations too high? Is everyone doing their best?

Or is she a loon?

Memories of Momma

I like this picture. Someone sent it to me attached to something inspirational and I was immediately struck with the memory of my mother. Of being a child and just sitting and talking to my mother. Having that wonderful time to enjoy her. I remember her coming home from work, she had to have been dead tired, and asking me, a child, how was my day. And having the patience to sit and listen to my childish prattlings that jumped from subject to subject and back again. And she actually LISTENED! In them she got to know me. To know when I was lying and truthing. To know when it was time to go to school because my 1st grade teacher told our class that she didn't care if we came to school or not. To know who was picking on me and how I should deal with them. Teaching me how to handle with conflict so that I would not be under so much pressure that I would rather harm my classmates then learn how to have the last best laugh at those who would laugh at me.

New Job

I was offered a new job today...yip...eee...

I must be stuck on stupid or slow or something...It seems every 15 months I find a new job. I don't really know if I want a new job. I just know I want something!

The italics means I feel real emotion about that. I don't want to have a typical midlife crisis where I resolve nothing. And end up resigned to go quietly into the dark sweet night that is death. Or dark sweet life depending on what I am believing and praying for at any given moment.

Yes, I have prayed to not exist anymore. To live forever seems like too much. I can't quite wrap my mind around it. And if I did live forever, would I continue to be like this? Would I get to a point again in say, a million years or so when I was bored and there truly were no new horizons to explore? This leads to more questions and more questions and not enough time or energy or caring to keep typing about it.

Real emotion about my life and its not about a new job and a bigger paycheck. I told them yes, but I have time to say no. I'll think about it over the weekend and get back to them next week. Maybe...I could aways just not show up for the job...chuckle

I haven't done that in a minute. I don't advocate it. Never know when you will run across your coulda, shoulda, woulda been boss again. I was young and stupid and I think more than a little bit depressed. I woke up late for my new job and decided to skip it.

Crazy, huh?

I like the job I am in. I actually like the people I work with. And that is saying something. We are an office of 14 women. I have never liked working under women or with women. We tend to bring our problems to work and take them out on whoever is working under us or next to us for that matter. Yet, I have been at this job for 16 months and I still pretty much like everyone including my bosses.

Doesn't stop the boredom, though.

What to do? What to do?

Bored with...?

I keep wondering what is wrong with me? Is this my midlife crisis? Am I just an exceptional flake? Or an ordinary flake as I fear? There are people in the world with real suffering in their lives who would trade places with me in a blink. And I wouldn't trade places with some of them if my life depended on it. I know this and still...I am bored? Is that it? ?Boredom?

How can that be? I have a life...somewhat. More life than a lot of people and less life than a lot of people. I think I am some where in the middle...stuck in the middle...that's where it seems like I am.

Hmm...I am not where I was which should make me happy. I am not the person I once was but I am not the person I wanted to be. All the "Feel Good About Yourself Anyway" movies, songs, etc seem to say that's life. Well, it sucks. Period. No exclamation point. Once upon a time it would have been something to be upset about. Now there is this awful resignation about it all.

When I was a 20-something we use to say "LIABATUDE" and laugh. Life Is A Bitch And Then U Die. How did we know? And now it is not funny anymore.

I sit at work and shuffle papers around full of numbers. I fill them out, correct them and pass them on to the next cog in the wheel that is this Organization. It is very important work they tell me. And if I stand back and look at it all the way I have been trained it really is important work. But when I look at this work I do with these 40 something eyes I wonder what is the point beyond my next paycheck. My paycheck that doesn't cover nearly what I thought it would when I thought how wonderful it would be to make what I now make. No one told me that inflation would outrun my dreams.

Sigh...all while I work, eat, commute, and do what is called living there is a little refrain in the back of my mind, What do I do now? What is my next step? And I WANT TO GO HOME!

I think I want to go home more than anything else.

Home not to a house or some other abode but to the place where I belong. Where this boredom does not constantly drag at my spirit. Where I am excited about life and the fact that I am not what I wanted to be doesn't matter. Because somehow I don't think the life that I planned would have made me any less bored or kept the questions away.