The worst thing about being single

You know what I think in my very humble opinion is the singular problem with being single? People who aren’t single.

Truth.

I spent most of my younger years trying to explain to people who either weren’t single or were single and trying very hard not to be single as soon as possible why I am in no hurry to be coupled up. Today, I just ain’t that into explaining myself to people. Either you get me or you don’t. *shrug* Love me or leave me. I’ll still respect you regardless.

I want a great relationship with a good man but I have never been in a rush. I take my time getting to know each man who enters my life. Everyone, including me, is fantastic when you are first getting to know them but bay…be, 6 months down the road (if that long) you start wondering what drug this nutcase slipped you that you hooked up with them in the first place. Were you wrong about them all along? Have aliens kidnapped them and dropped off an alien clone to replace them?

No, what happened is the newness of the relationship wore off and a reality set in.

Ok, I can do reality but damn some of the reality that people think I should put up with ain’t the type of reality that me, myself, and Project Bytch are interested in putting up with. I mean, I am no cake walk myself.

Exhibit A: I am not a morning person.

But no one outside of my immediate family knows that. I have never lived with a man so not even any of the men I have dated know that. Don’t ask how I have accomplished this, maybe I am just a great actress. *shrug* Now should we spend the weekend together, ok, we are waking up when we feel like. But during the work week? When that evil azz alarm clock goes off? Don’t touch me, don’t talk to me, don’t look at me, hell don’t even breathe in my direction. Ok?

It’s not hormonal. I just don’t like waking up before the sun.

I can’t imagine putting a poor man through that now. I can be an evil bytch first thing in the morning Monday thru Friday. I am so bad that my mother once asked a guy who came to pick me up “What do you want with my evil daughter?” RIP Moms and sorry about suffering my evil azz every morning!

A man marrying me not knowing this and not being able to tell me “Babe, quit your job. I got this.” would have to wonder what the hell happened to the sweet, generous, caring woman he met before the wedding.

She’s still here. She just doesn’t show up until after 10 am weekdays and she’s here all weekend. Unless someone loses their mind and asks me to take them to the airport for an early flight on the weekend. Then you can all kiss her happy azz goodbye. *chuckle* It is what it is. I don’t apologize for it cuz it ain’t me. It’s totally a biological thing. That and the fact that if previous lives existed then in my past life I was a pampered spoiled Egyptian princess.

That’s not my only quirk but I think that is the worst. Though, if a man knows my Achilles heel he can get around this quirk. HINT: Waking up in the middle of an orgasm can change my whole attitude. Truth.

I will bounce into work so dang happy that I literally have pissed people off at how chipper I am. *chuckle* And will hum Hate on Me by Jill Scott just to add fuel to the fire.

Yeah, I know I’m a stinker. Not my fault I seek out my bliss every chance I get. And sometimes I find it.

So I am not at all positive that the advice my friends give me regarding men is all that…altruistic.

I remember once we were discussing the age old question of penis size. I stated quite honestly that I have never had sex with a guy whose penis I considered small. One of my good girlfriends wished I’d meet one and the others laughed. I don’t see what is supposed to be funny about that. Especially, as bitter as they all were about it. *shrug* I can’t see wishing ill like that on a friend.

Said girlfriends seem to condone the following: Having a crackhead in my life is supposed to be acceptable. Also, having a guy with multiple baby mommas is supposed to be acceptable, too. And if he doesn’t have a job, I’m supposed to roll with that, also. If he gives you a STD, that’s ok, too. And if his sexual orientation is questionable that’s supposed to be acceptable, also. My only concern, judging from my girlfriends attitudes, should be whether he’s good in bed. *blink blink*

True Story:
My girl had a family member she wanted me to meet. He had just gotten out of jail and was already working hard as a mechanic. He was trying to get his life together and needed a good woman by his side. She said.

Ok, everyone makes mistakes and he seemed like he had learned from his.

I asked him why he had been in jail. Need your full name and date of birth and charges. Took my azz right down to the courthouse to look up his criminal record to verify ish. What? No, I don’t take ish like that just at ANYONE’S word. I don’t have kids but I have a lot of kids around me and people trust me with their kids. I want to make sure I don’t pick up a known sexual predator.

His turned out to be a theft charge from his employer. He lived, he learned, he did his time and now it was time to move on.

Ok, we speak on the phone a bit and then he disappears. Ok, brother was fine! Came out the cut (prison) all fine and thick and WHEW! *fanning myself remembering*. I have always taken my time and just cuz he was family of a friend of mine didn’t change jack. So I could imagine some other woman had fallen into bed with him a whole lot quicker than me. To each their own.

So about six weeks later I stop by my friend’s house. I walk in and this skinny dude with his front uppers missing is like, “Hey woman! Where you been?”

I am thinking fast on my feet and talking to him while I am trying to figure out who he is and how he knows me, because he called me by name and I had no clue who he was. Then I noticed that his voice sounded familiar. So I just concentrated on that. He hugged me and went out the room. As he did, it dawned on me who he was. My girl’s fam who she was trying to hook me up with.

Hold the effing phone!

As soon as he leaves the room I make a beeline for her.

I am whispering “Girl! Is that D?”

She nods sadly. “I know. I was so hoping he would stay off that stuff with a good woman by his side.”

Ummmm…didn’t she think that was something she should have told me? Then the whole story comes out. He was using when he stole from his employer to feed his habit.

Yeah, he had a girl alright and her name is Crack.

Don’t judge me either for dating an ex-con. Nobody is perfect. We all make mistakes. I actually know a couple success stories of guys who come out of prison and change their lives. Just a few though. And years later, my girl’s fam is not one of them. Crack is still his best girl.

I got way to many stories like that. *side eye left, side eye right* Hmm, I may need to cut some more "friends" from the herd.

I just know that as long as someone isn’t trying to convince me that I should be bending over backwards to get a man then I am content. Heck, sometimes I am downright happy. Especially when I listen to all these coupled up, tripled up, and quadrupled up women complaining about the man or men in their lives. Truth: I have a girlfriend who has 3 boyfriends. They all know about each other and all three are trying to be the last man standing. And all three of them get on her nerves most of the time. *chuckle*

One man will do me nicely, thank you very much. I tried dating three men at once one time. I couldn’t keep their names straight for nothing in the world. Then people wanted to give me advice about that! Sheesh! How about I date one man at a time and hope I find a man someday that will add to my happiness? If not, how about y’all just let my content and sometimes happy single azz be me?

*totally unconcerned shrug* You know I am going to be me on general principal, anyway.