The Vault

I am a vault. That’s what My Obsession said. He said that I am a vault. That I am secretive. That I share nothing with him.

*Spock-like eyebrow raise*

I am confused. What exactly am I supposed to share with an avatar? I mean, it’s a cute avatar, but it’s still an avatar. As far as I know, that could be someone else’s picture and he wants me to spill my whole life to him?

*scratching head* Is he fa realz?

Me and my BFL have known each other since we were both 10 years old and we are still discovering each other’s secrets. We just not 90 days ago admitted some things about our fathers that we had never shared. With anyone! Not even my counselor!

*shrug* I am not a real sharing type of person. I am a listener. That’s what I do. I listen. People talk to me and tell me their all. People very rarely want to know my all.

I mean that’s how it seems to me. People usually ask me how I am doing. I say fine and redirect the conversation back to them. People love to talk about themselves. I let them. *shrug* That is all.

It’s not that I don’t have stuff to share. It’s not that I don’t have a life to talk about. It’s just that…I don’t really let people get close enough to cause me harm. There are a lot of people out there who seem to thrive off of hurting others anyway they can. Some people do it inadvertently. I’ve just learned to protect myself from both the accidental and malicious.

So, spilling my life to a picture, albeit a very sexy picture, I met on the internet ain’t happening after less than six months of email.

So that got me thinking back over my relationships. People always seem to want more from me than I want to give. I mean, after the last two men that came through my life the last thing I am looking for right now is anything serious. I was looking for fun and I thought My Obsession was too. But he actually wants to know things about me. Real things.

*BIG SIGH* I am not interested in reality while online.

Why is it that my situations are always mismatched? Why is it that when I am looking for something more than fun do I meet people who just wanna keep it light? Then when I am looking to just have fun I meet people who want something with depth from me?

*Charlie Brown missing the football AAAARRRRRGGGGHHH!*

So now what do I do? To think, I was just about to woman up and call my therapist. Well, I probably still need to do that anyway. *chuckle*

He threw at me stuff about people out there who are up to no good. And I threw back at him what had I asked that could lead to me causing him any harm. I mean, I ask very little about him! He asked me what I do for a living and I gave him my job description. My job calls me an analyst but most days I feel like a glorified secretary. I gave him the short version of that description by saying I review contractual documents and budgets to make sure everything is as it should be. Ok, quid pro quo. I asked him and he sidestepped the question.

Ok…wtf?

Still, I chuckled to myself and let it slide. That was the last truly personal question I ever asked him. I thought we were keeping it light. But he keeps pushing for pictures and a phone call. I said I was thinking about it. Then I thought, what the heck, I’ll send him a picture of one eye. Slowly but surely I'd send him a puzzle until he got my whole picture.  No, I can never do things simply.  My family was taking family pictures and we even got a disk. I was set to download my picture and send him said eye when he just started pushing me.

*side eye left, side eye right*

Yeah, that’s a big no no. Unless it’s a life and death situation, pushing me to do something I am reluctant to do will make me dig in my heals. Suddenly, my flexible side went hard and cold as ice and my suspicious side was let loose.

I mean why is it such a big deal all of a sudden to have my picture and have me call? I said I was thinking about it. He said, it was fine and we could just be anonymous.

I mean, has he even thought about this from my point of view? Cuz I have from his.

What I know about him:

1. He has a sexy avatar that may or may not be his. He says it’s his. I have no way of verifying this.

2. He may or may not live outside the US. He says yes. I have no way of verifying this.

3. He may or may not be divorced and be bestest friends with his ex-wife. He says yes. I have no way of verifying this.

4. He may or may not have family in NY. He says yes. I have no way of verifying this.

5. He may or may not have children. He says no. I have no way of verifying this.

6. He may or may not have a house with a metal roof. He says yes. I have no way of verifying this.

7. The name he gave may or may not be his real name. He says yes. I have no way of verifying this.

Ok, that’s it. That’s all I got. And I am supposed to trust him with all my vital information? After being stalked twice?

Yeah…riiiiight…*15 minute cocktail break*

I even Googled his name…do you know how many men came up under his results? Too many.

Now, if you Google my name? Heh heh, you are gonna come up with far too few women for me to be just passing my info around willy nilly.

Yes, he told me he’s not a stalker. Ok, I am sure my last two stalkers didn’t think they were stalkers either. I bet my next door neighbor (who happened to be my landlord’s cousin) thought he had every right to come into my apartment while I was out and adjust my blinds so he could watch me, move my things, drop cigarette butts in my toilet, etc. I bet he didn’t think he was doing anything wrong at all!

*getting a little pissed now*

I bet Perry thought he was perfectly in his right to follow me around town. I had, after all, given him my phone number. Yeah! I bet he didn’t think of himself as crazy or out of line at all!

Crazy people never do. That’s why our sorry assed criminal justice system doesn’t treat them the same as sane folks.

All that to say, telling me you are not a stalker really isn’t convincing. At…All. That’s something that comes from the building of trust.

I am not looking for anything heavy or deep right now. I thought he understood that.

Well, after I responded with my question asking him what have I done that would suggest that I mean him harm and stated that indeed I am a good little secret keeper and I would have to think his requests over he went QUIET on me. I mean all communication has ceased!

After a couple days, I actually picked up the international calling card with the intention of calling him. Then, I stopped and really thought about it.

Ok, one thing I do know is that I have daddy issues. Thanks to my daddy I know it is absolutely useless to try to get a man to stay with you. How my father could look into my little tear stained face and leave me when I begged him to stay, I’ll never know. I know. I know. He and my mother probably had their problems. They took those secrets to the grave with them. Such is life.

But never once while he was breaking my little heart did he tell me he loved me or that he would be back and that it would be ok. That I would be ok and that he would be there if I needed him. Thus, I learned you can’t rely on men for anything.

So, if he wants to bounce *shrug* then the right thing to do is let him go. It was fun for awhile and it was what it was.

I gotta look after me. After what I have gone thru, enough is enough. I need some me time to get my head right again. To trust me again.

I was just looking for some fun and some place to put some of this pent up sexual energy. Hey! Just cuz my head is a little messed up don’t mean that I don’t still get horny. Our talks gave me somewhere to focus all that pent of energy. And there’s a lot of it! I feel sorry for the guy I finally unleash it all on. *chuckle* No I don’t. I am just gonna have to get him to sign a waiver lol.

I know. My Obsession could be sick or something. Well, after a few days, I checked the forum where I met him and he is on there being his usual self. So, *shrug* it is what it is. And what it is is a rather rude brush off.

After the conversations we have had I would have expected better from him than a silent brush off.

Oh well. Better luck next try.

*cues up Take me as I am by Mary J Blige and tips tall liquor filled glass at monitor*