The telling of me

I ain’t telling y’all jack!

Sike! :o)

Ok, so I seent (not a typo I love pronouncing this word this way) on one of the blogs I lurk a post about being honest about yourself and telling a few personal details and I thought I'd give it a go.
As I sat thinking and grinning about some of the things I wanted to share…I realized…that…some…things…could (depending on the statute of limitations)…get me arrested.

*blink blink*

Ah...no! This is one of my favorite mantras:

Ahem…Anyplace dyck ain’t running free is not for me!

I am doing my very best to stay out of places that submit you to random azz cavity searches that are in no way fun or pleasurable for me. Being traded for cigarettes is a no no. And I am not even bi-curious. Except online. *Kanye shrug* I don't understand it either.

There are reasons me and my partner in crime call each other partners in crime. I so wish I was joking…*big sigh and eye roll while smh* That said, there’s just some stuff that I can’t fess up to until I consult with my attorney about the statute of limitations on some stuff.

Dang…I really been bad, huh? I mean, I ain’t kilt (yes, kilt) anyone. I just use to be down for whatever my friends wanted to do. I thought I was having fun at the time. *chuckle* So it took me some time to come up with things I could tell without…ya know, getting into trouble. *smirk up at my wobbling halo*

*half smirk* I was having fun most of the time. You know how that is.

When I was a child I spoke as a child I understood as a child I thought as a child; but when I became a man I put away childish things. I Cor. 13: 11.

I am growing up. Yes, I am still growing up. I still like cereal in bed while watching my two favorite Saturday morning cartoons. *sticks tongue out at monitor*

Now that I am finally growing up, nope I ain’t grown yet, I have stopped doing a lot of the stuff I use to do. Like partying all dang night during the work week, stumbling in drunk at 3 am, deciding to stay up and fix breakfast so I can sober up, and drag my azz to work. Yeah, I know that’s pretty tame right there.

Let’s see. What else can I fess up on without having to submit to random non-sexual cavity searches?

I can be tactless at times. And I can be cruel. When I was in my teens and twenties I would spew every thought that entered my mind. I did that until I looked up and saw tears in a friend’s eyes. I had really hurt her feelings and it had not been my intention. That night I learned to think long before I spoke.

I still think tactless and mean thoughts from time to time. I just keep them to myself. Usually when I am being mean spirited it means that it’s time for a vacation.

Oh! In college, I thought I was gonna fail an exam so I decided to get drunk before the exam so I wouldn’t care. I aced the dang thing and passed the class! LOL Go figure. I do not espouse doing that, however. *looks around nervously hoping my godson isn’t lurking*

Also, my freshman year in college me and some friends got nekkid and put on raincoats with the idea we were going to go around campus flashing guys. Luckily, when we got outside in the cold night air we sobered up a bit. We realized just how stupid that idea was and promptly headed back to the dorm.

I lost my virginity at age 19 to a pathological liar. *big sigh and smh* I actually had my first orgasm at a much earlier age. I ain’t sure whether I should tell it right now. Maybe on another post. *tee hee*

I am 41 years old presently and me and my oldest sister didn’t get along the first 35 years of my life. Truth. You had to have met her back in the day. We have both changed enough that we can spend up to 4 hours in each other’s presence without fighting. At 4 hours and 1 minute call 911 cuz there is about to be a misunderstanding betwixt us that may lead to a physical altercation. I adhere to this timeline at all familial functions. I am trying to stay off the news for ignant unnecessary ish.

I have 3 older sisters. Poppa was a rolling stone so I also got a half brother and two half sisters floating around out there somewhere, too. I am, however, the youngest of them all. And I don’t think…*cough* I am…*wheeze* spoiled…ok, let me stop playin’ before a lightning bolt strikes me in the forehead. I am spoiled nicely. I am not rotten. Yet.

I am single with no kids. *gets up to do the Stanky Leg ends up looking like the Funky Chicken*

I thought I would be married by now with a couple crumb snatchers by now. *shrug* I am still having fun so I guess it’s all good. And I am 41 years old so no there will be no last minute kids coming up outta here. It. Ain’t. Happening.

I wanted children once upon a time *shrug* but the window of opportunity came and went. I couldn’t find a husband that was right for me and who I was right for.

I've had three chances to get married so far. The first guy, I use to think I didn’t fight hard enough for him before I matured enough to know he should have been fighting for me.

The second, I would have had to change who I am and I like me. I really do like me. With all my silly goof ups, missteps, falls, tumbles and imperfections, I still like being me. That said, I let that one pass, too.

The third guy? It was at that desperate time in my young womanly life when all my girlz were getting married. I wanted to join the married ladies club too. Then my old hair stylist, Teresa, gave me some advice followed by her example and I let that one pass too. Teresa told me that as all my girlfriends got married I was gonna wanna be part of the club. That I was gonna wanna marry the next guy that asked me. She said don’t do it unless I am sure he is the one I want. It’s not worth it otherwise. Then came the example not too many weeks later. I use to go weekly to get my hairdo done.

It was obvious to anyone, that Teresa’s husband loved his wife. He would be there any time she called for whatever she needed. He loved his wife and put her first in all things. One particular Saturday afternoon he displeased her. I can’t remember what Teresa’s husband did to displease her but I remember the explosion. She…dang…she destroyed this man in her salon, in public, in a room full of women. And we womenfolk all felt sorry for the husband. I remember us sitting in uncomfortable silence the whole time she lit into him. When he left, he said not one word and he had tears in his eyes. And I looked around and got the general consensus that none of us believed that he deserved what he got. It was a real quiet afternoon in the hair salon that Saturday.

The third guy reminded me a lot of Teresa’s husband. He loved me, was very affectionate and was happy with me just as I was. But I didn’t stay as I was. I was and am in transformation. He was happy and satisfied with his life as it was. He had absolutely no ambition to do anything more than what he was doing at that time. And he didn't want to be prodded, molded, and changed into what anyone else him to be either. I applaud him but...

*blinkity blink blink*

I had already outgrown him. Sad but true. I never wanted to do to him what I’d seen done to someone else. Her tirade was more than likely borne out of frustration with herself for settling. In the end she made two people unhappy. I am pretty content as I am now. But back then I wanted more and to do better and keep striving and moving. I am not that same person now and I am glad I let him go.

Now, I don’t think I am wifey material. I have discovered I am a side piece. More about that discovery later. *wink*

Oh snap! How could I forget potential mate # 4! *smacks self in the head* Jeez Louise! I met this guy at a temp job. He seemed nice enough but after 2 lunch dates and a dinner date he was ready to marry me.

*side eye left...side eye right*

I'm cute, I'm nice, and I'm funny but that in no way means that you should be ready to marry me after 2 lunches and a dinner date. Period. I can also be evil first thing in the morning. We hadn't even gotten intimate yet and he was asking me what kind of house I wanted to live in. I thought that was really great...at first. Until he showed up at my desk with an architectual magazine showing me his dream house. I liked the house. I still wasn't sure how I felt about him but I told him that my dream was to live at the beach so that I could watch the sun rise over the ocean every morning.

He responded that he'd sell his home and we could move to the eastern shore (Maryland). His only request is that we live bay side and he would use his boat to take me to ocean side every morning so I could see my sunrise.

That was sweet but a little too fast on the draw for me. My lack of enthusiasm threw him and he soon faded out too.

Every now and again, when I'm having a particularly hard day at work or in a personal relationship his face pops up in my memory. I realize I could be on the eastern shore now living with my husband and stepson totally oblivious to the madness that is driving me crazy at that particular moment. I shared that with my BFFL (best friend for life, I hope) and she put it in perspective for me. She said "Girl, for all you know you could be on the run for your life from that psycho now. Come on now, 2 lunches and 1 dinner date and he's ready to get married?"

True. So, I though I still have rough times I don't think about him wistfully anymore.

*Tapping chin*

I’ve never been pregnant but I’ve had a couple pregnancy scares. I prayed and I cried like a baby each time for those tests to come back in the negative. Both times I was in my 20’s but the guys weren’t about jack. They were not what I wanted for my baby’s daddy. After the second scare I stopped playing around with my birth control.

I am the youngest of my momma's four girls. I am spoiled ever so nicely. That is my story until I meet The Donald (call me) or The Donaldesque (please call me). After that I’ll be spoiled rotten and they will be very happy with the end result. Spoil me and I won’t turn into a mean heffa. Of course, unless that’s what you want me to be. *wink wink*

Oh yeah, I hate PETA cuz if I ever get The Donald (or someone with Donaldesque pockets) caught up and mesmerized by my cinnamon chocolate swirl, I am getting a chalet (no I cannot ski for ish I just love snow) and a mink blanket, and mink rugs, and mink pillowcases, and satin sheets (don’t wanna overdo it with the mink) and a mink coat in every classy and/or tacky color you can think of in various lengths.

All my minks will be euthanized ethically and with dignity and if PETA don’t like it I really don’t care. We will just agree to disagree like grown ups are supposed to do. But if they put paint on my minks then I am gonna have to call Pookie and ‘nem and start a war. And Pookie and ‘nem don’t give a shyt. They will kill you over a box of chicken.[Couple Robbed At Gunpoint For Chicken]

Now, I can feel peoplez getting bent out of shape like how am I just gonna go cold golddigger on y’all? It’s simple math really. Con men and other broke azz men, I am financially challenged (no money) with bad credit. *Shivers!* I just felt a great disturbance in the web. Did you feel the browsers shut down? *chuckle*

To the average everyday Joe, you can’t afford to get all caught up in my cinnamon chocolate swirl. Let me tell you what will happen. I will meet you, charm you, sex you, and OWN you. All of that coupled with the fact that I love sex and I am a great cook will have you mesmerized. And I’ll be happy with your azz for one hot minute, too. Then, cuz the devil just likes to mess with me, The Donald or The Donaldesque will finally fall into my swirl zone and become my personal ATM. Then it will be time for me to let you, average Joe, go. By this time you are beyond sprung and then you be done gone all Joe Palczynski and ish. [Joe Palczynski: A Legacy Of Pain]

So to save time and lives, I am holding out for The Donald (call me) or The Donaldesque (call me). I ain’t picky when your ends not only meet but can wrap around a plus sized swirler like myself several times.

Ok, this got a lot longer than I thought. I guess I had a lot to tell afterall...even without the um...otherstuff.