5...4...3...2...1...MELTDOWN!

Ok. I’ve been stalked. Twice.

First time was my neighbor at my last apartment. I moved and got a new job. Problem solved.

Second time, earlier this year. A guy who I actually thought I liked until he went weird on me. He finally left me alone.

They are both over. Ok. I should be over this now.

This should be easy. I should be over it by now. I am so resilient. I have bounced back from so much. I should be able to do this on my own. I thought I was over it. I really did. I mean, I go out at night. I don’t jump at shadows or strange sounds. I can be alone and not be afraid. I don't have the dreams where I know I am not safe no matter what I do anymore. I should be good now.

I got my blogs I lurk and one in particular there is a guy who I have struck up a cyberfriendship of sorts. For his privacy sake I'll just call him My Obsession. We have gotten rather comfy with each other and I thought I was feeling pretty safe at coming out of my self imposed prison.

But the moment I told myself I was ready to tell My Obsession my real name I got a nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach. That’s ok, I told myself. I walked around with it for a couple days and it went away. I felt stronger, like I was dealing with it. Like I was ok. I could do this. I can trust me again! And me says that My Obsession is a good guy and I can relax.

Then Saturday came and his emails with it. I read them and they warmed me and made me think up all manner of inappropriate responses. And I came up with a lovely one I think. But he didn’t get that one. I sent him something truly innocuous compared to what I typed below.

Suddenly, just the thought of sending this reply sent me into a panic attack. The litany in my head started. You’ve been here before, remember. Not once, chick, but TWICE! What do you want to bet that he’ll be a third? You know bad things come in threes. Do you really want to chance it? Again? Do you want to have to switch jobs, again? Move again? Start looking over your shoulder again? Stay holed up in your new place praying that you’ve shaken him again? Remember jumping when you saw a car that looked like his? Remember coming out of work to find him standing there waiting for you?

Remember all that? You wanna do that a third time? There’s just something wrong with you, chick, that attracts the wrong kind of men, now. So run from him. Go ahead. Just disappear. Its easy.

Yeah, incredibly easy. But I am a little braver than that. He knows a little of my history. Heck. How can I be honest with him about it when I can’t even bring myself to blog about it. I’ve only told a few friends and family. I thought I would blog about it all but every time I try I come up with something else to blog about.

I am strong. I was raised to be strong and independent. I don’t want to be weak. I don’t want anyone to perceive me as weak. I am holding it in and I guess holding onto it. Which isn’t good. I just thought, I was really healing.

I really like this guy. I think we might enjoy each others’ twists. The last thing I want is to dump a load of crazy on this guy. He doesn’t deserve it. I’ve had enough of it dumped on me to last me and him a lifetime. And I want to unload it! Just not onto anyone else.

So, I guess this means I need to get help.

Inhale. Hold it. Exhale.

That means asking for help. I don’t like doing that. It is the hardest thing in the world for me to do. I did it once. After my mother died. And still it took me a couple years to work up the nerve to ask for help.

Maybe...and this is a big MAYBE cuz I am putting a lot on a man that has no clue what’s going on in my head, but maybe if he stays true to who he seems to be it will give me the courage to ask for help.

Or maybe I should just woman up and pull that number out and make an appointment.

*rubbing my temples* Anyway, here’s what I wanted to send to him Saturday.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

5:30 am

I woke up cuz I had to pee. Its Saturday. Sleep late day. I don’t want to get up this freaking early! So, first I tried to convince myself I didn’t have to pee cuz if I got up then I would be up for the day and my bed felt so warm and comfy. If I just laid there and told myself I didn‘t have to pee then maybe I’d go back to sleep. It works sometimes.

5:52 am EST

It didn’t work. The sharp pain I got from my bladder made me think it had called me a bad name. More than a little annoyed at the bladder that was only doing its job I threw off the covers and made for the bathroom. I flipped on the light switch in the bathroom and the white light chased away the last of my warm sleepy feelings.

A little sulky over losing the argument with my bladder, I made my way to the kitchen to get a glass of water. I sat and sipped while I contemplated what I wanted to accomplish with my day. I made a list of errands I wanted to run. When I finished my water, I went back to bed and I hoped back to sleep.

I put on my headphones and listened to some music for a while. Next thing I knew it was after 7:00 am and I was still wide awake. Ugh! Mentally, I asked my bladder was it happy now? It remained stoically silent on the matter. Then what was I expecting. It is a bladder after all. So I gave up on sleep and I decided to get up and fix breakfast.

8:17 am EST

My home phone rang as I was finishing breakfast. As usual it wasn’t on the base. I followed the sound and found it lost in my bed covers. I checked the caller ID and cursed the early evil azzed telemarketers.

I threw the phone back on the bed, yawned and stretched before grabbing the cell and checking for drunken texts from friends. I smiled when I saw I had two texts.

First up was Betsy. She sent me a single word text : Gruml. Now what did that mean? She would hate me for replying so early. So, I gleefully hit the reply and send buttons. She never did answer me. *chuckle*

Second text was from Hotmail telling me I had an email from My Obsession! I opened my email, read his email and grinned a wicked grin I felt all the way down to my impish little toes. I stretched and yawned again before settling back in bed to compose a reply to match my grin...and fell asleep.

12:32 pm! EST

Again I woke up to the sound of my ringing phone. Damn it! Another telemarketer. I checked the time and couldn’t believe my day was being wasted sleeping! I spied my cell and remembered I was composing a wicked email to send to My Obsession when I fell asleep.

I checked the phone and my web browser awaited my action patiently. All manner of wickedness ran rampant through my mind. So, confident that I would come up with something really NSFW, I headed for the bathroom to brush my teeth and take a shower. I caught the mischievous set of my mouth and glint in my eyes in the mirror as I finished brushing my teeth and stepped into the shower.

Steam rose up from the hot spray as I poured my favorite citrus and wild ginger gel and worked it up into a thick white foam. I thought about his last question as I made foamy circles over my skin. Who would be the woman he decided to have celebrate his end to his celibacy?

Warm butterflies fluttered happily from my stomach down below the bikini line *snort me in a bikini*. Still, I lathered my body and wished I could just grab my passport and go! Then, I sighed as I watched the lather rinsed down off my cinnamon chocolate skin. I wished I’d met him about 2 1/2 years ago when I trusted myself more and was freer.

Then I really thought about it. I was never that free, I still had a job to consider but I had such a great boss back then it would have been nothing to take 2 weeks and just go thoroughly explore My Obsession.

As I stepped from the shower my heated skin turned to goose pebbles as the chill air hit me. I had forgotten to turn on the heat. Again. It turned cold early this year. Then as is Momma Nay’s way when it comes to Maryland, Momma Nay can never quite make up her mind when the cold weather is here to stay. It can be 80 on Friday and 35 Saturday morning.

This Saturday was turning out to be chilly and gray.

I wrapped a thick white towel around me and went into my equally chill bedroom. As I rubbed vigorously at my cooling skin I longed for wishes to come true.

If they did I would wish away the last 30 months of my life.

I’d wish that when I stepped from my bedroom I would step into My Obsession’s home.

I’d find you sitting at a table. Your hands folded stiffly in front of you. The world around you a blur as I focused solely on you. You’d sit contemplating great and wonderful things as the scent of wild ginger and citrus enveloped you. I’d tiptoe close to you and ease into the chair behind you. As if it were the most natural thing in the world for me to be there, you’d scoot forward making room for me.

The towel would inch up my thighs as I got comfortable. My real name would be a question on your lips. You’d say it perfectly. Delightfully. Somehow, I knew it would sound absolutely beautiful coming from you.

I’d press closer in answer.

Your warmth would steal the chill from my skin. My toes would warm themselves against your sock covered ankles. My calves would rub themselves against your denim covered calves. My thighs would press against the warm fabric covering your thighs. My arms would encircle your waist and my fingers would find their way under your shirt to your warm skin.

There’d be a hitch in your breath as my cool fingertips roamed freely over your heated skin.

I’d rest my chin on your shoulder as I caught your ear teasingly betwixt my teeth. I’d taste my new treat with the tip of my tongue.

Yum!

My mind would be in a conundrum about whether to draw blood or not.

As if you could read my mind you’d turn your head pulling your ear free. That would be just fine. I’d have nothing but time. So instead I’d press my warm lips against your jaw and breathe you in.

*BIG SIGH*

But wishes don’t come true and the last 30 months still gnaw at my confidence. So I pulled on a pair of jeans, in honor of my yummy fantasy, and readied myself to run errands. I went to the kitchen to take something out of the freezer for dinner before heading out.

As I headed for the front door, the gray sky opened up and rained hard and coldly down on my day.

You should know, dear Obsession, I can be cold or I can be wet and still be unbothered. To be cold and wet at the same time when I don’t have to be? Ah...no. I quickly went over the errands I had to run and decided they could wait. A drizzle I could handle. A torrential downpour? Uh uh!

So, I went back to my bedroom. Took off my clothes and lay back and listened to the rain music and thought about you for awhile .

********************

That there was pretty PG13. Trust me, there’s more. *wicked giggle* Yes, I still giggle! Anyway, I was gonna describe the lingerie I put on and the towel does not survive this encounter. It gets torn to make restraints...sigh...and if you can’t guess where it goes from there then you aren’t old enough to be reading this post. *chuckle* Or you are a virgin who has been brought up in the basement of a convent and you really should head back to that basement and stay away from the internet, TV, strangers, the world outside your front door, and me. *hands on hips glaring sternly*

Mercy! He just sent me the most delicious email that I just want to run wild with! Geez Louise, if only!