Coworker vent...

Sometimes I really do think I am crazy. That perhaps I should be on meds. I think this because people look at me like I'm crazy for not only backing their nonsense but joining in on it. Sometimes, I think that perhaps I should join them in their drama and insanity. Then I go home, have a nice dinner, chat with some folks and got to bed. Then I wake up and realize that I ain't that crazy yet.

So, I've been aluding to but never posting about one of my coworkers. That is because after the post about her got over seven 8-1/2 x 11 inch pages with 1 in margins long and I still wasn't finished with her story, I stopped typing and called TPL. I figured with as many lies as he's told he should be able to sort her out. He gave me part her, that she is one of those people that likes people to feel sorry for her. That felt partially right, then I got the other part of her a couple weeks ago. She likes people to feel sorry for her so that she can beg from them for her needs while spending her money on her wants. It was working up until her birthday.

Incredibily long story made short and simple: After much drama and gifts from her that include a car, her husband kicked her out of the section 8 house. *chuckle* So that was in September. She hated him blah blah blah. Fast forward to December and he throws her a birthday party. *blink blink* At the section 8 house that he kicked her out of in the first place. And only 3 people showed up...and she's mad because more people didn't show.

She said she 'was feeling some kinda way about it for a while but she was over it now'. Her exact words. I felt like calling her out her name and saying: You have taken everyone - friends, family, and coworkers - on a rollercoaster ride for the last 3 years with this ninja that ended in him taking your cell phone bill money to bail his sister out of jail for assaulting her boyfriend and then kicking you out the house and you're mad because more people didn't show up at HIS house for a birthday party for you because you two have kinda sorta made up. For real?

I was speechless. I let her talk and when all I could say in a voice as flat as I could get it was "Oh. Wow." she left my office. smh

Then the other one is talking about hooking up with her baby daddy because she's horny. Normally, this wouldn't even be a blip on my radar because people do this all the time. However, the last time she had sex with him, he gave her chlamydia and her blood tests now show she has been "exposed" to Herpes. Apparently, now you can be exposed to Herpes without getting it. *shrug* I can only keep up with so much. Anyhoodles, I'm looking at her like she has lost her mind and she's whining that she's horny.

O...k...fine...but that ain't the only dinga in Maryland. Why not try something new and get it tested before you do it or at least wear a condom. *sniggle* Now, I don't feel bad about using hand sanitizer after the last time she touched my hand. *sniggle* I felt bad then but not now.

I'm 44 years old and by the grace of God, I've never had an STD/STI. Not that I was particularly that careful, I was just blessed until I smartened up. So for me to get one now and have to go through the embarrassment at my doctor's office? Trust and know that the last thing on my mind would be having sex with a guy who gave me an STD/STI again. Killing him and hiding the body? Yeah. I'd go to sleep fantasizing about it. Having sex with him again? Please don't make me smack you.

These two prove to me daily that stupid comes in all colors. smh I won't lie and say I don't miss the feel of a man beside me and inside me but...errr...uhhhh...I don't miss it that much. It truly ain't that serious.  Especially since I know there is a) plenty of dinga out there and b) a lot of it is even clean dinga.

I told her to change her numbers and seek some counseling. I bet she is still in there dreaming about diseased peen. smh

To each his/her own.

They are making me come out of retirement.

Have mercy! These children. That’s all I can call them is children. I am watching the unraveling of womankind and it is ugly.

I am watching the ladies get played left and right and it is an awful sight to see. I give advice that is requested and then ignored. I am guessing because others believe that a fat, buck and gap toothed, black woman with glasses is single because she has no choice.

Poor things just don’t know. I am so much more than the above description. I am single by my choice. Period. *sighs* But I guess I am going to have to come out of retirement to show them how it is supposed to be done.

Who are “them”? Well there’s coworker # 1 whose husband put her out of the section 8 house they were sharing with his sister. He did this after she bought him a car. *smh* And she has the nerve to shake her head at me. She still wants this fool back even though he’s into white girls now. She is now following the teaching of Rev Jamal Bryant, philanderer extraordinaire. His fame comes from the fact that he threatened to kill his mistress when she filed papers to take him to child support court. This ninja is driving around in a $400k+ car and don’t want to pay child support. He makes my teeth itch.

Another “them” is coworker #2 who has been carrying a torch for her daughter’s father for 19 years. He is the only man she has slept with for 19 years. Though she ain’t the only woman he’s been sleeping with. She’s finally gotten him out of her system but the cost…the cost. *sadly smh*

Another “them” is this woman in my FB woman’s group. Her young man is playing her dirty. Real dirty. First he doesn’t like how she gets her orgasm. *blinkity blinkity blink blink* She just let it slide. Had it been me the story would have gone a little something like this. I would have either called in sick to work or scheduled a day off or waited until the weekend but I would have had a me day. She’s 33. At 33 I was having some financial difficulties so my me time would have been a leisurely breakfast at home, sans simple azz boyfriend. Then I would have gone window shopping to clear my mind. Then lunch at McDs, a Happy Meal. Seriously, some of those toys are cool. Judge me all you want but play time is just as important for adults as it is for children. *shruggingly rolls eyes* Then either a matinee movie or go to a park and just sit and think which option to choose from:

a) Move out and start dating again.

b) Move back home and start dating again.

c) Move to a different city and start dating again.

Forget him. There are men out there wishing they could make their woman orgasm that hard. They are trying everything and driving their women crazy, not in a good way either, trying to get her to reach the level of sexual satisfaction that this woman can reach when done right. Just so they can walk around beating their chests like Tarzan. *lol* And this young man is not only not pumped at what he can do but turned off by it? Yeah. I got to go. An orgasm is an awesome thing. If my man doesn’t like how I get mine then we can’t be lovers and that is fine. Everything ain’t for everyone. I would need to find me a man that was for me.

He’s done a couple more things since then that just make me smh and wonder why in the world she stays. She is just as velvety chocolaty pretty as she can be. Finding a new man should not be a problem as long as she is secure in herself. If she isn’t then she needs to ditch that zero and work on herself.

Coworker # 1 got on my last nerve this week and I took a FB break yesterday. I did an energy cleanse and did something special for myself today that brought my positive energy back up. I sign on to FB this evening and go to my women’s group to cut up and laugh.

FB is the devil.

The first story up is his latest offense and I had to laugh and log back off. This ninja has planned a sleep over at a friend’s house for Friday. The “friend” (read sex buddy) is a young woman and his girlfriend isn’t invited. *giggling my head off*

We are grownups. Male and female heterosexual adults do not do sleepovers unless someone is having sex. Some of the women in the group are assuring her there is nothing to worry about even though he is wrong in his assumption that it is ok.

Um, no, um, he is going to have sex with his “friend” and it is ok because he has decided that it is ok. Period. She even, for some strange reason, tried to flip it on him and asked him how he would feel if she slept over at a male friend’s place. He said he’d be fine with it.

I swear there should have been horns growing out of my head when I read that. *snickering*

23 year old me would have punched him in his throat.

33 year old me would have said, “Oh. Ok.” And there wouldn’t have been any other conversation on the matter. However, whenever he deigned to return to our residence this weekend he would find me walking around in a man’s shirt and cute panties that he’s never seen and two men that he’s never met would be walking around in whatever they felt comfortable walking around in. I would be glowing! I’m betting he would have come home Saturday morning because I wouldn’t have called him the whole time he would be gone nor would I be answering his calls. Suspicious, he’d a brought his butt home. He would have walked in the place and seen two dudes and his soon to be ex chilling. I’d look up and ask him does he want my friend to make him some pancakes. Then I’d watch him have a conniption fit and I’d have the other guy call 911 for him.

*gets up to do the Cabbage Patch and sing How ya like me now?*

43 year old me would have been gone when he had a problem with how I get my orgasm. An orgasm is a wonderful thing. And there ain’t a man alive worth skipping them. Ask a heterosexual man, any one of them, if there is a woman alive that would make him skip getting his orgasm his way.

There is something very important she is missing and I don't know how she missed it.  When a man claims a woman as his own he does not believe it is ok for her to have male friends sleepover nor for her to sleepover at a male friend's place.  I speak from experience. *lol*  And me and this dude were truly platonic, never shared a kiss.  However, platonic friend is/was friends with an ex.  When the guy I was seeing then claimed me as his woman, all that sleeping over at A's house had to stop.  He showed me the same respect.  This dude she is rooming with ain't claimed her or he has relinquished claim to her.  Poor thing doesn't seem to know it either.
Then there are a couple women in the group having self-esteem issues.

Then there are the children on BA that make me wish it was legal to slap someone when they are being stupid.

So, this fat, gap and buck toothed, four eyed, black woman is going to come out of retirement to show them how it is done.

Y’all heffas get on my nerves for making me eat right, exercise and do ish that I wouldn’t have to do if only you’d listen to me. You all have got the game all the way messed up.

*sucks teeth and goes to comptemplate things beyond most of these children's understanding*

On Dating Black Women, yet again. *sigh*

There seems to be this communication block between black men and black women. It’s like we say something and they hear something else. Then they say something and we hear something completely different. It’s like we are each hearing our inadequacies coming out of the other’s mouth and no matter what is said to the contrary that is all we hear or recognize.

What got me on this train of thought was the recent statement by Slim Thug (ST). If you are oblivious to him and what he said that enraged so many check this link here Slim Thug's take on Black Women. Truthfully, I was oblivious to his existence until my Twitter timeline (TT) exploded with angry tweets directed at him.

Anyhoodles, I’ve already done my post on what I think of men who proclaim to the world that they don’t date black women for xyz reasons On Dating Black Women. So really, I didn’t pay him much mind after I found out he fell into that category. I read his blurb without emotion. Actually it struck me within the first few sentences that perhaps he had tried to approach a black woman in a socio-economic, educational background that was much higher than his own and he had been shot down. I figured that was his issue and blew him off and moved onto the next topic.

But then I really started to think on what he had said and realized that perhaps there was another way to take what he had said. Cuz though I didn’t get emotional about it A LOT of people did. Just three below.

Miss Jia Miss Jia's thoughts on ST.

Shamontiel Shamontiel's Response.

Marc Lamont Hill Response.

I imagine there are more but again, I don’t think that topic deserves that much of my time. Cuz as I see it the problem isn’t just black centric it’s people centric. Over half of US marriages end in divorce. Since 70% or more of black women are unmarried that means that everyone else is having just as many problems keeping a mate as black women are having finding one.

As the government keeps telling the world black folk only make up 12% of the USA. Black women are a little more than half of that 12%. So in reality it would seem that more non-black folk are having a hard time keeping a mate than we are finding one. Given the difficulties associated with the break up and dissolution of a marriage, perhaps that ain’t as bad a thing as people try to make it sound. Just my humble opinion.

Japanese women have surpassed their men in education and therefore in the job marketplace. They are making more, smarter and are putting aside the traditional female roles in Japanese society. In other words, they are refusing to take a backseat to a man when they are working just as hard and making just as much money if not more than their mate. They’d rather do without a mate. They are facing a crisis becuz when you think that way, you don’t have any babies. Soon, there won’t be enough young people to keep up the infrastructure. They are advising Japanese women to do the same thing that ST seems to be advising black women.

Lower your standards when it comes to getting a black man as your mate.

*sigh* I really don’t want to and I really don’t see why I should have to. I hear so many black men telling anyone who will listen that ‘We use to be kings and queens.’ Um, if you knew your history you would know not everyone was a king or queen. SOME of us come from royalty. Just some. Take it down a few thousand guys cuz the way most of you sound I don’t feel any royalty coming off you. *shrug*

A look at the histories in many Caucasian cultures (cuz that’s all I got right now) shows that in the past it was not unusual for a woman to marry beneath her station and vice versa and look what Caucasian folk have achieved, world dominance. Yes, I know how and I ain’t here to discuss this on this post. If we could have done it we would have so I’m not going there right now…if ever.

Caucasian folk often married (marry) different classes to form powerful alliances via money, land, etc. Governments were sometimes built and/or destroyed just due to the right or wrong marital alliances. There was always something to be gained by such alliances.

See I can see another way to look at what ST is saying. Right now there doesn’t seem to be that many successful black men out there. Of those that are successful, some are openingly gay, some are confirmed bachelors, and some are seeking exotic women. It’s a mess out here.

As usual, the onus is being put on black women to continue the black race…by any means necessary. That means marrying someone not as educated, not as cultured, not as refined, not as wise (if you got more than 2 kids with more than 1 baby momma you ain’t too wise in my book), not as articulate and perhaps not even as ambitious. That means knowing that you can run circles around this man in every way possible and still respecting him enough to take the backseat and let him be the head of the household even though your income is the reason the household exists. In essence taking the backseat to a man who didn’t have the sense to try to take the same law abiding road out of poverty that you did. *nervous system attempts to shut down*

I can’t do it. I tried. He got on my last gotdamned nerve.

For those who have more patience and are not quite as spoiled as my simple azz is you are undertaking a wonderful thing for the future.

Basically, as I look at it, what ST might be saying is that black women are going to have put aside our wants and expectations and accept the black men who are available as they are. You, who can do it, will have to marry and/or have children and raise up the children in hopes that the next generation will benefit from your sacrifice. Each generation of black women will have to refine and refine each generation of black men until there actually are a lot of good black men.

In other words, y’all gonna have to be strong black women again.

For those of you who undertake this cause please make note of the following numbers becuz some of you are going to need them:

Alcoholics Anonymous (212) 870-3400


Narcotics Anonymous (818) 773-9999


Gamblers Anonymous (213) 386-8789


House of Ruth 909-988-5559


Suicide Prevention Hotline 1-800-273-TALK (ooooh a toll free number they mean business)

It’s not going to be easy trying to uplift the black man, mostly on your own and without him knowing it too. You will more than likely never get the credit for it but in the end it will be worth it. Again, I salute you who choose this unselfish, self-sacrificing path.

Good luck with that.

*opens sex toys website*

Maybe I'm too hard on my single mom friends.

After my post about MB3 I got to thinking about my friendships with the friends that have children. Maybe I am too hard on them.

Whenever my friends, family, and coworkers (only the black folk mind you) would ask me why I hadn’t had children yet (or now ever) my response is always that I never found the right husband for me. To which they always responded that you don’t need a husband to have children. To which I always responded, maybe you don’t but I do becuz I need help.

Then the question: What kind of help do you need?

My response: I need someone to take the kids off my hands when they start to get on my nerves. Then I’d laugh and they’d laugh and drop the subject for the moment. Now with all these celebrities having babies later and later people keep telling me that it isn’t too late. *eye roll* I’ve already blogged about that so back to subject.

I wouldn’t choose to be a single parent for anything in the world. It’s not easy being a single parent. Everything is put on you as the sole provider of love, comfort, education, discipline, nurturing, moral character building, food, shelter, support, clothing, etc. You need help whether you admit it or not. Then you have to work for a living and 9 times out of 10 jobs can be bastards when it comes to parents.

I know in my last position we had a single mother there who had 2 boys. She moved to a new neighborhood. Now she did all this on the weekend. She requested one week day morning off in order to register her kids for school. You know her supervisor told her no. That they couldn’t spare her cuz she was the early morning person. *confused shock* What the hell does that have to do with anything? She has to register her kids for school or be in violation of the LAW!

Yes, according to her she had plenty of sick and vacation time to use but her supervisor still told her no cuz it would inconvenience the office for a morning. *smh* But they have to give her vacation time off, what do they do when she’s gone a whole week? I never got the chance to find out becuz the woman ended up quitting. They did everything they could think of to get her to stay but I’m with her on that one. There are 4 other people in the office, one of them could have covered for her that morning or they could have just opened an hour late that morning. *smh* She ended up having to call in “sick” later that week so she could go get her children registered for school. *smh*

But if she had had a husband, then he could have gone and registered the kids for school. See what I mean? Help.

In that same office was a married woman with two small girls. Now for awhile there she was the one who went to pick up the kids whenever they got sick at school or the babysitter’s becuz she worked the closest. As soon as her husband got a job closer then they traded off. Sometimes he would go and sometimes she would go. It was a partnership. They were doing it together. They were help for each other. The wife could have easily said that since she had been doing it for the past 4 years her hubby could pick them up for the next 4 years but she didn’t. They agreed together to trade off.

It is what happens when you have kids. They leave home fine but 2 hours after they get to school or the sitter’s they are running a fever and need to come home. My single mom friends used up so much of their sick and vacation time that whenever they heard I was taking a stay-cation they would always guilt me into doing some things for them on my off days. It got so bad that I stopped telling my friends and family when I am taking a stay-cation until it is either over or just about over. *smh smiling*

I didn’t mind helping sometimes but sometimes I had personal things of my own to attend to. When I was driving, going to the MVA could be a two day odyssey. Once it was a 2 ½ day odyssey. All becuz nothing in the state of MD is linked. You get a ticket in Baltimore County they flag your license but you can’t pay at the MVA. Hell no! You got to go all the way out to Towson to pay the ticket and no they didn’t mail me shyt. Then once you pay in Baltimore County you have to come back to the MVA with your payment receipt to show that you have paid the damn ticket cuz even though you paid it there is no telling when that will update in their computer system. We pay both state income tax and 6% sales tax in Maryland for this piss poor computer system they have in place. *smh*

All that to say that sometimes I have things of my own to do and I don’t always either want to or have time to incorporate my single mom girlfriends’ errands into my life.

Still, I do feel sorry for them. It ain’t easy and I don’t believe that I would be a much better single mom.

I offer this as an example: When my niece and her husband were together I would watch their 4 kids when they took their couples’ weekend getaways. I would watch them at their house. Well, once my sisters asked could I bring the kids to church and they would take them to lunch. Well, I hadn’t brought any church clothes with me to my niece’s home so I got the kids dressed that morning and drove back to my place. I turned on the TV. Told the kids to watch TV and stay put until I showered and dressed. Took me less than 30 minutes. For real. I skipped the makeup and pulled my hair into a tidy little bun.

I left them watching Sesame Street. As soon as I got into the shower the younger girl, the nosey one, comes knocking on the bathroom door asking can she have some of my crangrape juice in the fridge. *mean eye* Ok…TV is in the living room. You gotta go through the dining room to get to the kitchen and then the heffa went into my fridge without asking. I caved immediately cuz I figured that would keep them busy until I got out of the shower. And it did.

But really thinking it over my answer should have been: NO! I told you to sit down in the living room and watch TV until I was dressed. I did not give you permission to a) get up b) go through MY HOUSE NOT YOURS BUT MINE and c) I definitely didn’t give you permission to go into my fridge. Becuz of all that sit your little tail down until I come out. At which time I am gonna wear your little tail out before church. But that would have delayed us further in getting to church. And had she been with my mother she definitely wouldn’t have gone out to lunch after church. Not her or anyone. Cuz she is the younger sister. Her older sister should have a) stopped her and/or b) snitched on her.

Sounds harsh don’t it? But that’s the way we were raised and we learned to respect other people’s property and to ask before using our parents’, nonfamily and non-immediate family members’ things. *chuckle* Now siblings’ belongings is a whole other post.

But I didn’t do that. I did what was easy. Why? Cuz I didn’t have any help. I didn’t have anyone to watch the kids while I got ready for church. That’s the problem with single parenting. There’s no one to trade off with.

I do sit back and judge my single mom friends rather harshly in their parenting skills and what they allow their kids to get away with. I guess I really shouldn’t cuz not a one of them has any help from their baby daddies.

It’s a lot easier to judge people sitting alone in my ivory tower. I’m a have to work on that.

Take MB3’s daughter Bonequisha. I believe that she had a baby so that she would have someone to love her. I know, doesn’t MB3 love her daughter? *head scratch* I don’t know. What I know is she has said the following to me more times than I can remember down through the years:

I love my daughter but if I had it to do over again I wouldn’t have had her.

You see Bonequisha’s father is a childish, selfish, egotistical, manipulative, philandering con artist. Nothing more. He’s in his 50s now and he has yet to evolve into more than what MB3 left behind over 20 odd years ago. I believe MB3 was on the verge of leaving him when she found out she was pregnant. It was her intention to abort but her mother talked her into having Bonequisha and thus bringing into being the instrument that MB3’s baby daddy would use to punish her for leaving him.

From the things he has done down through the years I believe that MB3 is probably the only woman to have ever left him. He has paid little to no child support, he barely saw his daughter no matter how much the child called and begged. If he by chance was staying with a woman who had kids then he would go get Bonequisha to babysit while he got some sleep when the mother went to work.

TRUE STORY: He was living with a woman who had a daughter. He pronounced this woman’s child to be Bonequisha’s sister since he was living with the woman. So he brought Bonequisha over to babysit her new little sister while he slept the Sunday away. When he woke up he and her little sister took Bonequisha home. As Bonequisha got out of the car and turned to say goodbye he told her he was taking her sister to dinner, a movie, and shopping. Bonequisha ran into the house crying her little eyes out.

That was not the last time he pulled that particular stunt either. There were other women down through the years with children. He always pronounced these children Bonequisha’s siblings and during the summer vacation months he would bring her to babysit while the women worked. *smh* I have no clue and pray I never get a clue what these women saw in him. He’s not aesthetically pleasing to my eye at all. I say that without prejudice cuz I’ve met pretty on the outside and ugly on the inside and can appreciate the outside in spite of who they are inside.

Anyway, I have too many stories of him doing that and other stuff like that to his own flesh and blood child. That child forgave him and adored him no matter what he did though. I know MB3 resented that. But MB3 refused to speak ill of him in front of her child. *chuckle* We barbequed him every chance we were able though. *smh* That’s ok, God does not like ugly. Bonequisha was barely 18 when he got lung cancer.

I believe he poured his resentment towards MB3 for leaving him into his treatment of Bonequisha. I believe MB3 poured her resentment at Bonequisha’s father onto Bonequisha.

MB3 gave Bonequisha every material thing she could…but I don’t remember her spending a lot of time with her daughter. I remember MB3 working, always working. If you got a chance to catch Disney’s The Princess and the Frog then I can tell you Tiana and MB3 are just alike in working themselves to death for what they want. But what they want isn’t necessarily what they need.

Then there were other things like MB3 never corrected her or her lying for her or never making her raise her own child. I would always ask MB3 would her parents tolerate such things to which she always replied no and continued to let her child go off completely on the wrong path.

*pause*

Almost like sabotage. Like she was trying to prove that no child sired by that man could turn out right.

*Epiphany moment*

Then when Bonequisha had a baby of her own she thought that she would have someone to really love her…but she never did the hard work. See, she played with her baby and of course changed diapers but that’s not the hard work that bond parent and child.

Shoot! Kids love me cuz I play with them all. Chase them round outside and push swings and play games and all the stuff that their parents are too tired/or distracted to do. Kids see me and think here comes their favorite person to play with. But that is not parenting.

A parent and child bond is formed over 2, 3, 4, and 6 am feedings. It is formed over ER visits, immunization shots, colic, potty training, first day at the sitter’s/school. MB3 did all that for her granddaughter. Her granddaughter differs to MB3 as her mother and Bonequisha as her big sister. For a while there MB3’s granddaughter was actually calling her mommy and Bonequisha by her name. Bonequisha never corrected her, MB3 did. It was then I started to see Bonequisha resenting her daughter.

MB3 thinks it’s cute that Bonequisha’s daughter doesn’t like living with her mother and wants to stay with her as much as possible.

Bonequisha now has a second child and the second one is taking to MB3 in the same way. *smh* This little one is a mean one though. See Bonequisha didn’t want this second one and even thought of giving it up for adoption but the father talked her out of it and…they live together now. WOW! Full circle.

MB3’s mother was talked into having Bonequisha and Bonequisha was talked into keeping her second child. *smh* There’s a lot of hell going on in those homes. This second one don’t smile for anyone but MB3 and she doesn’t mind anyone but MB3 either. MB3 loves that power.

WOW! *head clearing shake*

I’m starting to see MB3 in a completely different light. I always wondered why someone who seemed to be so nice didn’t progress…didn’t do better. Especially with how hard she worked/works. I thought it was only natural that she would have a little resentment toward Bonequisha for the way she treated her when she was bedridden after her accident but typing this now and really seeing the years I’ve know her clearly I see some things that I just never saw before.

I don’t even know what to say or think now…suddenly, I’m not mad at Bonequisha anymore. Suddenly, I feel sorry for her. It’s like she never really had a chance. She’s been stuck between these two resentful people her whole life and her extended family isn’t much better. Her cuzins are jealous of her material belongings. See her mother handed down all her old clothes and toys to them…there are just too many stories.

Too many!

And my head is reeling! I’ve always thought the victim in all this was MB3 but I am starting to feel like the victim in all this is really Bonequisha. And now she has children of her own to repeat the cycle of resentment. Cuz Bonequisha resents her mother AND her own children now.

WOW!

Gotta go! I got a lot to think about.

*smh at monitor*

Dr. Phil’s Dating Show

So I took a day off so that I could have an extended holiday for the Memorial Day weekend and I caught Dr. Phil’s Dating show. His guest was Steve Harvey, author of the book Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man. This show was very interesting. *shrug* To me anyway.

They showcased two women, one black the other white, who were having trouble finding a man. They sent the two women out with dates and recorded the date to critique what the women were doing wrong.

They critiqued the white woman. But when we got to the black woman *snicker* there didn’t seem to be much critiquing going on. I think it had something to do with how her date went. *chuckle*

The black woman was an attractive, articulate woman with one child. Her date was a black man named TC, father of two boys, and an aspiring author. *side MF eye* TC says he is writing a book about the sexual relationships of “Afro-American men and women”. Yes, he pronounced it just like that. There wasn’t a thing articulate about TC. When she asked him what TC stood for his response was “Total Control. You may have a chance to find out about that later.” *bouncing in chair laughing* In one fell swoop, TC explained to the world why so many black American women are unmarried. *snort, snicker, chuckle*

Thank you, TC, wherever you are. You just validated me in my feeling that there aren’t a lot of good black men out there despite what most black men keep saying. Cuz if he was the best Dr. Phil could find with all his resources, what are my chances?

TC is typical of the black guys I’ve been meeting. The first date they are trying to figure out how soon until they get you into bed. Of course they’ll respect you and still call you tomorrow if they sex you on the first date. *rolls eyes* There seems to be this race on to use and discard as many black women as you can among a lot , NOT ALL, but a lot of the black men I keep meeting.

I mean I’ve met some nice black guys that for one reason or another we just weren’t compatible. But I’ve met a lot more TCs and we were not compatible at all. *smh*

Not just me either, but my friends and acquaintances seem to be running into more and more TCs. Even a coworker of mine and she’s white! There was always this belief among black women that white women always got the best of the best black men. Now they got the same chances as the rest of us to end up with a TC. *smirk*

The show was supposed to show women having trouble finding the right man how to improve their chances. Again, there was no critique for the black woman. So how is a woman like her supposed to find a good black man?

As the show finished up I wondered when someone would write a self help guide for black men on how to be the men that black women want…then I realized that they wouldn’t read it if you wrote it. As long as they continue to believe that they are all good men and black women are just evil and bitter they won’t be changing anytime soon. Sad. Very sad.

This reminded me of a male friend of mine, let’s call him Terrence. He is a great guy all around, a gentleman, funny, has no kids and he’s gainfully employed. We are both in our 40s. We met in college and we were buddies then. I thought of him as a brother. Whew, back in college his was FINE! But he didn’t think of me in those terms and I settled into the friend zone. He doesn’t have the six pack he had in college but he is still a very attractive man. Heck, I’d do him if he moved me out of the friend zone AND IF…I didn’t know what I know about him.

See, Terrance has slept with MCB…and she said he was horrible. Well, that was back in college. We lost touch not too long after college and then reconnected a few years ago. He is still single. He says that every girlfriend he has ever had has cheated on him. When I told MCB she said she would too if she was his girlfriend. *shocked face* I told her that maybe she should tell him when he called her, cuz he was trying to reconnect with her. She said nope. When I pressed she told me to tell him.

Now, I know me telling him that she said he was a terrible lover would have probably ended him so of course I refused. I feel bad for him and with everything he has going for him if he could just improve in that one department he could find and keep a good woman.

TFO and I brought the subject up to TPL. TFO was having the same problem with the guy she was seeing. TPL being a black man we sought out how to tell them. He basically confirmed that I definitely couldn’t tell Terrance and that TFO shouldn’t tell her man either. He said you had to leave them with their dignity. *confused face*

Dignity is a very cold bedfellow. Wouldn’t you think? I’d hate for my sex skills or kissing skills, or conversation skills, or anything that I can improve on be the only reason I don’t keep a man. All it takes is someone who knows to tell it.

I was telling a coworker about it and she suggested that I sleep with him. No. Thank. You. First, he has me in the friend zone and I am quite happy to be there. I thought about it. He’s 42! I can’t believe that in all those years not one woman has brought his inadequacies in the sex department up to him and he hasn’t changed. So the question is: Has he not changed becuz he doen’t believe them or becuz he just can’t or doesn’t know how? If he doesn’t know how *smirk* I can help with that. I got plenty of patience. But what if the problem is that he doesn’t believe them or he feels that he can’t improve or won’t try?

One of the few things I know for sure in life is that you CANNOT make a black man do anything he hasn’t made up his mind to do. And he has to make up his mind on his own to do it. So if his heart and mind ain’t into improving his sexual skills then ain’t a thing me or anyone else can do about it.

If that is true…then I would have slept with him for nothing more than a bad memory and our friendship would be over. *side eye* Nope! I’ll stay in the friend zone and pray for him. *shrug* That’s the best I got.

It just seems like you are not supposed to criticize black men. I mean I get it. The US of A hasn’t been particularly kind to non-Caucasians. I think Chris Rock said it the best I’ve heard it and I’m gonna paraphrase him cuz I don’t remember word for word but it goes something like this:

“America to black people is kinda like an uncle that molested you as a child but paid for your college education.”

Yeah. That’s about right. I haven’t traveled as extensively as I would have liked. I have a passport now and I am rectifying that as my salary and job allow. So far I haven’t been anywhere that I like as much as the US of A. Truth. Thus far in my travels I wouldn’t wanna be a citizen of any other country on the face of this planet.

But the US of A hasn’t been particularly kind to me and mine. Country Time Lemonade use to run commercials about the good old days. They look really lovely…shame I can’t claim any good old days. I look back on US history and there isn’t a time in known history that I would want to revisit wearing the skin I wear today. Hell, I ain’t crazy about living right now wearing the skin I’m in.

Saying that, I know black men have it hard…but so do I and I have to listen to the criticism. I have to examine myself and see if I am guilty of the criticism leveled at black people and especially black women every moment I draw breath. I seek the betterment of me, myself, and I.

It is by no means easy. There are a lot of lies and half truths being tossed about. I seek knowledge and truth…even if it isn’t pleasant. Even if the unpleasant truth is about me. You can’t grow and change for the better if you aren’t examining yourself and doing the hard work. Ya know?

So, if me and every black woman born and yet to be born gotta do it then why don’t black men? I am not allowed to be a fragile little flower that can’t stand the light of bright, burning truth. Why do black men get to hide in the shadows of lies and half-truths? Why do I have to protect him and his ego? When do the words I and my sisters speak become truth to them and not just bitter lies? When do black men accept responsibility along with me for the good, the bad, and all that is ugly within the black American community?

*head scratch* Yeah, I know, a lot of questions. I wish I had some answers.

A little clarification...very little.

I decided to clarify something I said in last Sunday’s post. The reason?

Well, my GFN gave me a new wallet for Christmas. As I was cleaning out the old wallet I ran across numbers from guys who I can’t remember their faces or why I didn’t call them. Usually, if a guy strikes me as someone I want to get to know better I’ll put his number in my cell. If it doesn’t work out the numbers remain there until I get a new cell. The only numbers I transfer are my staid and true family and friends.

So, I know there has to be a reason these guys ended up on paper instead of in my cell. I would love to remember why. So I know someday I will read that earlier post again and wonder why I wasn’t giving that guy a chance.

So here’s his story. I met this guy, whose name I have already forgotten *chuckle*, as I was leaving my dentist’s office. Gotta get my wisdom teeth pulled…help me I am such a wimp. Anyway, we strike up a conversation and he asks me for my number. Something told me that I shouldn’t do it. *pause* Now I remember why I don’t remember his name. I didn’t ask him and he forgot to volunteer it. Or maybe he did and I didn’t bother to remember it. *snicker*

So we are talking and he is trying to enter my cell number into his cell. He doesn’t know how to do it. So for some reason, I volunteer to do it for him. Still, strike one. He says he’s had the cell for a month or two but doesn’t know how to program his own phone. Yeah…who did you borrow that phone from? Or where did you find the phone, hon? Either way it doesn’t matter. I have a sincere problem with people who buy top of the line anything and then don’t have either a clue or the time to learn how to use it. I am not going to be texting you on your Blackberry and you have no idea how to respond. So you call me in the middle of a meeting. The whole point of me texting you was so that I could communicate discretely you mook!

Strike two: He asked me my marital status. I told him single. I didn’t even bother to ask his. I must truly have psychic abilities *lol* cuz something in me knew I wasn’t gonna like the answer. Not to worry, he volunteered that he is married but separated. Ok, no hook ups but we can be friends...maybe.  I ask how long he has been separated and he says 3 years. *blink* I ask, what is the hold up? Meaning what is the hold up on the divorce. That isn’t what he thought I meant obviously becuz his reply was and I quote:

“I keep trying to go back to my wife but she says I am fine where I am. So I’ll probably end up divorced.”

Strike 3 you are out and gimme back my phone number man! *rubbing forehead chuckling*

You gotta keep a sense of humor about this stuff otherwise you will end up in Sheppard Pratt (local mental hospital).

He was determined to change my mind though. He’s in the church you know. Uh huh and trying to pick up women while you are still married is a major no-no in the church. *smh*

Oh mercy. Well let me get back to cooking. These veggies won’t stir fry themselves.

*tips spatula at monitor*