Stress...

Stress is a mutha chucka! *chuckles*

A lot going on but not necessarily with me. Just the folks around me. They keep trying to bring me stress at work and I keep looking at them like they are crazy. *shrug* This is my means to making my ends meet, not my life. People are trying to make this job their life.  And as usual I ain't.

I came back from vacation rested and two weeks out I am already run down again. Time for a change and I'm working on it wholeheartedly. I guess that is one of the reasons I am run down. Between writing and working towards a change for myself, I've been burning the oil to the wee hours of the morning. I don't see it changing any time soon. Not until I'm done getting to where I want to be.

I was on an eight day cruise. I slept the first two days. *chuckle* We got on board the ship by 1:30 pm and headed to lunch. By the time we were done with lunch our cabin was ready. By 2:30pm I was asleep. Woke up at 7pm went to dinner and came back to the cabin to go back to sleep.

Second day we were at sea all day so it was a repeat of day one with the intro of breakfast and an after breakfast stroll around the deck. By the time we hit the first port I was refreshed and ready to go sightseeing.

I just know that I need to make some moves in my life now. Ten years from now I cannot still be at this company or even working in Baltimore City. I cannot still be commuting around town and I cannot still be living on the cusp of the hood. I've made some decisions and I am starting to look at my options.

This journey called life, dear Lord in Heaven, it is something else. I wish I had it in me to communicate all the things I'm seeing and feeling right now. I am feeling every thing from able to zero. Any feeling or adjective you can think of from A to Z, I am/have feeling/felt and thinking/thought.

Through it all I just feel so blessed and fortunate. I didn't get what I wanted out of this life but I got so much more than I ever thought existed! It is a lot to take in and this feeling I have is doesn't have a name. It is a mix of joy, sadness, anger, arrogance, pity, rage, confusion, omnipotence, fear, dread, and something else unknown.

I have no idea where I'm headed but dang it has been an interesting journey so far. I ain't been happy with the whole ride but some of what I've seen has been astounding. I know if I hadn't been through Hell on Earth from time to time then I never would have seen or learned some things. What is even more amazing is that everyone hasn't experienced or seen some of the things I have. I mean some of this stuff I've seen repeatedly. Different participants but same situations but with differing and interesting outcomes.

For instance, I remember my mother telling me about a girl who went to her high school. She and her boyfriend were in love but there was another girl that wanted the guy. He wasn't interested in the other girl but the other chick not only picked a fight with his girlfriend but stabbed her to death. She said that the guy had to be restrained from killing the other chick. He yelled at her that he would hate her for life and wanted to kill her as she had killed the woman he loved and blurted out that she had been pregnant. They were gonna get married after graduation. She had ruined his life. Wow!

I must have been in Jr. High then because I was just amazed by that story. I thought it was an anomaly until I got to high school. I went to a HS that was so white you barely noticed the blacks. A thousand students and maybe 100 blacks spread out over all four grades. I think we had one Hispanic chick and an Asian or two.

Everyday this couple that me and my BFL nicknamed The Love Buzzards walked to and from school. We were teen-aged girls and we were being catty because *shrug* it is what happens until you learn better. Anyway one day we learned that the reason he walked her to school every day was because there was a girl at school that wanted him for herself but he wasn't interested in anyone but the girl he walked to and from school every day. So the girl and her friends would jump (beat up) her every time they caught her outside alone. *smh* So he made sure his girlfriend got to and from school safely every day because the crazy chick could not be reasoned with.

That's one. Then around my junior year a girl came to school who had been friends with my BFL in elementary school. She had developed cancer and had been home schooled for years until she had kicked cancer. N. is (and was last I saw her) a petite cute girl. Of course she found a boyfriend with ease! Again, one of the chicks (on the school bus at that) was angry because she wanted N's boyfriend for herself. N. had already had cancer, she was kind of fragile back then. She couldn't take an azz whipping. So she would get off the school bus at his school. Then they'd wait for me and my bff to show up and we'd all three walk to school. Back in the day, you did not fugg with me or my BFL alone let alone together. We weren't bullies but we were raised to defend ourselves IF ATTACKED. And everyone knew it. Shiiiiiiiiiiiid I was fighting boys in Jr. High so everyone knew I wasn't playing.

Then he'd walk down to our school to wait with her for the school bus in the afternoon. All because some chick could not take no for an answer. The boy told you he wasn't interested. Why are you fighting the girl that he chose? Crazy!

I've seen it happen in college and the craziest case yet with a former lunch buddy/acquaintance of mine. Her dude was cheating. She didn't know it though I saw the signs clearly. The other woman knew about her and where she lived. One day she is coming home from work and the other woman jumps out of the bushes and beats her azz. Now here is the kicker. The other woman KNEW SHE DID NOT KNOW HE WAS CHEATING. That was her crazy azz way of letting it be known, I guess. What it got her was a criminal record, fines, and time served over a man who was doing them both dirty. *smh*


I've got so many more stories of similar situations with different players. They taught me a lot about acceptance and being a graceful loser as well as winner. And don't cheat or knowingly be with a cheater.


Lots of drama going on, especially with CCW1 and I am so over her I doubt I'll bother to post it. My BFL has gone into hide mode. She don't know, I will be sitting on her doorstep. She better not test me. I know she wants to keep her husband but sometimes what you want is not what is best for you. *sighs*

A lot of upheaval on my job. These changes...*bland side eye* I'm going to do me and wherever the chips land, they land. I just pray my landing will be softer than it has been in the past. *chuckle*

We are planning MOS a surprise birthday party. So far it looks like it is going to be nice.

TPL and his brother are beefing because TPL didn't make it to his brother's 50th birthday party. I think the brother is right btw. All the things he has done for TPL down through the years, 3 cars bought and paid for and constantly bailing him out financially. He's paid rent, back bills, bought food etc. When I said that to TPL he said he should have since they are brothers.

*rapid blinks*

Ok, I may feed you, family, but I ain't buying your azz a car. Get on the bus or get to walking. His brother has bought and paid for THREE CARS FOR TPL! His brother made himself rich, not TPL. That entitlement  stuff is crazy. TPL didn't give him any loans or cosign for anything but he thinks he is entitled to his brother's help whenever he requests it. Which is annually. This year his brother let him swim on his own and TPL is pissed. His brother is hurt and understandably so. Normally, the sister-in-law tries to smooth things over. Well she called to get TPL's side of things and this time sided with her husband so TPL hung up on her too. *smh* Ungrateful azz.

Other than that God is Good and all is right with the world. *waves popcorn at the screen*

Am I Weird?

So I am back to thinking I’m weird again.  So many different things going on with the people around me.  TPL isn’t speaking to his brother or his sister-in-law (SIL) according to him.  Now that is a first.  He and his brother will be on the outs every now and again but they always work it out through the SIL.  Now TPL is mad with the SIL because he found out she told his brother that he couldn’t bring his son to live with them.

Long story short: TPL’s brother has a child from a one night stand he had before he met and married his wife.  DNA verified.  At some point in the child’s development the baby momma (BM) couldn’t handle him anymore and wanted TPL’s brother to take him but keep paying her the child support. *blink blink*  SIL said no and that was the end of that.

TPL feels they should have taken the son in regardless.  I kind of agree on that because they could have gotten a good lawyer to get custody once the boy had been in their custody long enough to show this was a better home for him and gotten child support discontinued.  However they didn’t.  TPL blames the SIL.  I didn’t say anything but the thing that kept running through my mind is just this:

If you can’t tell a black man what to do and you can’t make a black man do what he doesn’t want to do then how did your SIL make your brother not take in his own seed if that is what he wanted to do? *side eyeing that whole notion*

Black men.  I swear they running game on a whole different level and women are falling for it left and right.  So much so it makes me wonder from time to time if I am the crazy one.

Then one of my e-buddies had me on my side of the screen just shaking my head.  TickleDaPickle for lack of a better name for him was on her fb page admonishing her for stalking her man.  Now I just crack up at it because I know this is her way of coping and if you pay attention it gets less and less frequent as time goes on.  She’s a bit frustrated and this is her outlet.  TDP and a few others have a problem with it.

What got me was that when one chick said something she restricted her access to her page. *shrug* Your page and your ramble.  People can respect it, ignore it or block it.  Real simple.  No need to go in on someone especially since it was a JOKE.  Anyway when TDP went in on her she didn’t restrict or block his access. *smh*  Even black women have a double standard when it comes to how we let black men treat us.

Then she totally blew my mind when I found out she picks up and drops off the peen she ain’t getting anymore.  *blink blink*  Yeah, the last time a dude who was trying to date me was waiting around for me to pick him up he ended up blowing up my landline while I was out doing me.  Only peen I pick up requires batteries.

I totally don’t understand this concept.  Why?  Because it is dangerous for a woman to be out in this world alone.  A man who truly loves and values his woman would never want to put her at risk. *smh*

I’ve been on a writing jag this year so I haven’t been watching much tv.  But one of the last 48 Hours shows I caught was about a woman who was kidnapped and murdered after stopping at a convenience store to pick her boyfriend up some snacks.  There is video of her being snatched at the door.  So sad.  That mofo fell asleep waiting up for her so it was hours before she was reported missing.  He’s sitting on tv crying and I felt not one pang of sympathy for him.  He should have told her: Naw babe, I’m good.  You just come on home.  Or went to her job and rode home behind her.  There was a lot a good man would have done in that situation. 

So no, I don’t think much of any dude who would let his woman pick him up and drop him off and let her ride off alone in this crazy world.  Especially since the media does not publicize when blacks, male or female, come up missing.

Add to it he is SUPPOSED to be following the Muslim faith.  Naw.  He is supposed to make sure his woman is safe.  Where is all that machismo most Muslims have? *smh*  I still say he’s found himself a woman within his religious sect that he will ultimately marry.  If anyone asks, my e-buddy is just his friend.  And he’ll be telling the truth as they have stopped having sex.

None of the above would fly with me but most of the other women I know don’t seem to have a problem with it.  I just don’t get it.

And the internet dating? *rolls eyes*  I keep waiting for them to have that “Aha!” moment when they realize they need to stop looking for love on the internet.  There is none to be found.  There are just a bunch of horny men looking for quick hops in the sack.

Time and again they get their hopes up and then end up back in the group hurt and upset.  Then their self-esteem sinks yet lower.  I don’t understand why they torture themselves like that.

OHMIGOSH!!!! And one girl met one that had me like…pass him my number.  His peen doesn’t work because he had prostate cancer.  They had to remove everything that made his member rise.  I’m like, there is surgery for that.  Next problem?  Then she said he SEEMED clingy.  He might be.  Once that prostate is gone men become as emotional as women do.

How do I know?  Prostate Cancer was the specialty of The Boss Who Could Still Get It. *lol*  All that to say I wouldn’t have written him off just yet.  I’d need to know how much money he has.  For $17,000 they can correct that peen problem.  If he has insurance then it might cover it all together and he would not have to come up with any out of pocket money.  Then she wouldn’t mind his clingy behind with a nice, new, and harder than ever peen. *shrug*  And he probably wouldn’t be so clingy once he got a new peen that worked better than the old one.

I try not to talk too much.  I’ve temped a lot so I’ve had a lot of jobs.  I’ve met a lot of people and learned a little bit of everything.  I don’t care what topics they come up with I usually have a story.  But to be 44 years old and have all the stories I have can kind of make people look at you like you have got to be lying.

*chuckling* Like one time me and a coworker were discussing birth defects and I was telling her about a child my mother cared for when she was still a nurse who had been born with no brain.  My coworker burst out with: “You and your stories!  That can’t be true!”

As it so happened one of the doctors was walking by and I stopped her and asked her to validate my story.  Indeed the condition is called Anencephaly.  My coworker looked at me like suddenly she had to reevaluate me.  I realized then that she thought I had been lying or making up stories.  I do but I put them in works of fiction.  I got no need to make up stories IRL.  TPL taught me just how bad that is for the rep if ever I was tempted to do so.

Anyway, I’ve just been censoring myself since then.  Sometimes I get carried away and go on a story telling jag! *smh lol*  So, I just kind of listen IRL or read online.  Sometimes I comment and sometimes I don’t.  Still, I just feel weird sometimes like, why do these solutions seem like common sense to me and rocket science to others?

I have to remind myself that the troubles others are going through are their journey just like mine are my journey.  Still, it does make me wonder about my own sanity sometimes.  My writing has been a saving grace in that.  I just published my first e-book on Amazon!  Yeah me!  And I’ve sold 8 books. *lol*  And believe it or not I’m real tickled about it.  I am working hard on the sequel.

I declare one day after writing it was like I had drained my skull.  My head felt lighter.  I fell asleep and was out like a light!

So that is tricks.  So far everyone likes my car.  Eh.  I like the fact that it runs well.  My dream car was a Camry until they started accelerating on their own.  Now, I just like a car that spends more time on the road than in the shop.

Otherwise, God is good and all is right in His universe.

TG is at it again.

*sighingly smh*  So long story short, she called herself getting back at her ex ES and ended up getting got.  I don’t know why she doesn’t just pack it up and go home.  None of her jobs are working out for her and she has been in that city coming up on a year now.  I don’t believe she has either told her family that they have broken up or she hasn’t told them he played her.  Either way, I don’t believe she is being honest with the folk at home.  She doesn’t want to hear ‘I told you so’.  She needs to put on her big girl drawers, tell everyone to say it one time to get it out of their system, and take her butt home.

I get the feeling that this isn’t the first time that this has happened to her which is the real reason she is reluctant to fess up and go home.  Last night, she reached out to the group for some truth.  Chile, the last time we tried to give her truth she got mad and laid folk out saying we didn’t know her.  That is true.  If we were her real friends we’d know the truth of her story because it doesn’t add up.

See as a friend, I know that MB3 exaggerates her stories a bit.  Not much but a bit so I always know where to dial it back when she calls.  I know when she’s mad, sad, depressed, happy, jealous, etc by the tone of her emails and her voice.

See as a friend, I know that TPL is just that, a pathological liar.  He cannot help himself.  But his azz has issues that have been verified so I know to cut him some slack about some things and when to pull back and let his azz know I’m pissed and he owes me an apology.  And because I’m one of the few friends who put up with the madness and *smh* fun that is TPL I get one.

See as a friend, I know that my BFL takes some finessing when it comes to talking about her problems.  It takes time for her to work out her emotions.  I know when she just needs me to listen and when she needs advice.  I know when she has called to laugh and when she just needs to type out a bytch session.  She has a husband and doesn’t want him to know what she’s bytching about until she’s ready to say it calmly and rationally.  When it is just simple and petty stuff she leaves the bytch mode in the emails with me.  When it is something serious I hear about what happened afterwards.

See as a friend, I know that MCB has a lot on her plate and that sometimes she just needs to unload.  She needs love and encouragement and help to see the positive side when all she can see are the negatives.  I’ve truly had to shock her into the reality of how good her life truly is.  She is a lot better than when we first met.  Now she is just happily exhausted most days and frustrated with her career on others.  Those frustrated days I remind her that she only has one more child to get out of the nest and then she is free to go and do as she pleases.  Two more years and she’s free.  She’s thinking of coming back to Maryland.  *Happy Spice*

I could go on but I’m already over the thousand word recommended limit for blog posts. *snickers*  So I’ll just say this, I don’t understand why she still has pics of the ex up.  I’m betting neither do her “friends”.

I’ll tell you what I believe.  I believe she hasn’t told the folk at home that they are over.  I believe she slept with him in hopes that she was winning him back.  I believe she needs to go on home and leave this mess behind.  Or move to another state.  Something.  Because nothing is panning out for her down there except more hurt.

We have a no gossip rule in the group so I gotta gossip somewhere about this. *snickers*

She asks why does it keep happening to her.  The answer is simple but none of them want to know it.  Especially not from me.  Someone who is just sitting back observing it all.  I know exactly what is wrong with this generation because quiet as it is kept even the men are dissatisfied with the status quo.

But this ain’t my journey.  It is hers and everyone that is going through it.  I can listen when they are venting but until they stop and pay attention to what they are doing wrong…repeatedly…like lemmings going over a cliff, there ain’t shyt I can say.  They don’t believe anything that comes out of my mouth or fingertips.  Even though I am just as content in my universe.  And in a minute, I’m a have a man and a healthy relationship and they are truly going to be fugged in the head about it because there is no way in the world that I should have either.  At least according to all the unhappy souls out there telling the world how miserable I’m supposed to be. *eyerolls*

TG shut the group down last night. *smh*  I know those insomniacs were up.  It was Friday and people had already started posting music and getting their drinks out. *smh*  But when they were thinking of booting her a few weeks ago a lot of the core group said they’d leave if she was booted.  They think they are her friends. *side eyeing the whole notion*

A friend would be able to pick up the phone and call someone in her family and tell them what is really going on with her.  They say her home life isn’t ideal.  Is anyone’s?  If she ain’t running from mental, physical, emotional, or sexual abuse then she needs to take herself home to people who love her and want to help her.  If she is running from any of the above then the last thing she needs to be doing is dating.  The first thing she needs to do is get herself to a qualified mental health specialist.  I already told them that I don’t think we are qualified to give the kind of help she needs.  They don’t understand what I mean and I don’t know how else to tell them.

We vent and move on in our group quite a bit.  That’s life.  There’s always going to be something to vetch about.  Chances are there is someone in there who can commiserate.  TG comes in with Tyler Perry script worthy drama.  Seriously.  I haven’t gone into the half, just the highlights out of respect for our privacy rules.

Funny, I had reservations about admitting her to the group but all her “friends” said she’d be a good fit.  So I kept my mouth shut.  Damn my instincts are good even over the internet.

I’m about done with fb.  I say that because the only thing holding me to it was my women’s group and I see TG bringing an end to it.  Either she’s gonna get booted or get mad and leave on her own and her “friends” will leave with her.  It takes a long time for people to realize what friends are.  My momma told me that when I was a teen throwing that word around.  It made me start to reevaluate my relationships.

Then maybe the group’s leader will find good replacements for those that leave. *shrug*  Shame, this is a good group and we offer each other a lot in so many ways.  We just can’t help TG.  She needs a professional.

*tips juice glass at monitor and goes to make breakfast*

I guess someone's feelings were hurt

So, last night after I posted yesterday’s blog I got on fb to see what everyone was up to, play a few games, and check some music posts.  I go to my woman’s group and look what one of the ladies posted. *chuckle*  Yup, posted by one of the ladies I thought was a bit miffed with me. Oh well.  Can’t agree all the time.

I’m glad I saw it after I dumped my argument here.  Last night I looked at it, chuckled good-naturedly and thought, ditto, hon, ditto.  Your argument still makes zero sense.  The only thing I cannot and will not willing accept from a bi-sexual man is his penis and because of that I’m intolerant and prejudiced in your mind. *smh*  Nope.  I don’t believe it and I’m not taking the bait ever again…in my woman’s group. *chuckle*

Intolerance is when you don’t want someone as your neighbor, coworker, boss, grocery clerk, President, doctor, lawyer, Indian Chief *chuckle*, etc. because of something about them that they were born with and cannot change.

My sexual orientation is one of those things I was born with and cannot change according to those whose orientation is homosexual.  My sexual orientation is heterosexual.  I prefer a heterosexual mate.  It is imperative to my sanity and continued good health.

The funny part is that there were a couple women who chimed in that they were open to being with a man whose sexual orientation is bi-sexual.  So there are women out there that they can be honest with and they’ll still want to be with them.  They just don’t feel that they should give a woman a chance to reject them.  They just need to man up and accept that not every woman, even the woman they think is perfect for them, is going to want to be in a sexual relationship with them.  Just like every man whose sexual orientation is heterosexual has to accept it.

Good grief.  I’m fat and there are lots of men who are not interested in being in a relationship with me.  That is their preference and they have a right to it.  And *gasp* I accept that. I'd rather be in a relationship with someone who accepts me as I am than try to hide some parts of me that they may not like. Then flipping it around to make it the other person's fault that you're lying to them. People really?

*smh in wonder*  It is just so weird how things have flip flopped.  Once upon a time people tried to change people whose sexual orientation was anything but heterosexual.  Well, in some places they are still trying.  Still people have yelled, screamed, protested, passed laws to protect people whose sexual orientation is not heterosexual and now they have the right to be with who they want.  Now, I got someone telling me that I don’t have the right to be with who I want because that is not acceptance? *head scratch* Yeah.  Her argument makes zero sense.

Then as I thought about it I realized that people this invested in an argument usually have something or someone they are thinking of when they argue so vehemently.  I don’t know who the bi-sexual is in her life but I wish them both wellness and honesty in their sexual relationships.

There are stories I could tell about this mess happening on the down low.  I know TPL has a friend I use to call Baby Hairs.  I called this guy Baby Hairs because he is a flaming queen who always had his baby hairs slicked down around his face. *chuckling*  Seriously, I couldn’t make that up in my wildest dreams.  The first time I met him I could barely get myself together to say hello.  A grown man coming up on 30 years of age with baby hairs greased and slicked down around his face like a little girl was something I had never seen before or since.

So I’d get updates from TPL as well as from Baby Hairs himself on the few occasions we all went out together.  So one day over lunch TPL says Baby Hairs is back to dating women.  I burst out laughing thinking it was all a big joke.  Yeah.  Right.  I say.  He kept assuring me that it was true.

I was like to each their own then because I thought that was taking fag hagdom to a new level.  TPL said they don’t know he is gay.  He has changed himself up to look like a thug.  I couldn’t even begin to imagine it.  I laughed all through his explanations.  To be noted here, at this time Baby Hairs had been diagnosed as HIV+.

TPL figured he could show me better than he could tell me because I knew him to be TPL at that point.  Why did he show up with this now 30 something man looking and sounding like a regular 30 something straight man?  All signs of the queen of baby hairs gone!

So now I had questions!  Most importantly, does/do the woman/women he’s having sex with know he’s HIV+.  TPL said he didn’t know and from his manner he didn’t care.  Normally, I go in for telling the long story but I’d like to forget this mess one day so I won’t immortalize his whole story.  Just know that he was at one point trying to get a woman pregnant while infected with HIV.  He goes back and forth when he’s feeling the need to know he can still pull women.  Sometime around the time TPL’s daughter started dating this no longer became funny to him and for a time they stopped speaking until Baby Hairs went back to dating men exclusively.  Baby Hairs’ family knew about his back and forth ways but never said a word to the women who he dated.

To be noted, I don’t care who Baby Hairs was dating, he should have been being honest about his HIV+ status with everyone.  TPL never seemed to want to answer my questions about who knew his status and who didn’t.  From the things that slipped down through the years the men knew and whether the women knew or not was never answered.

Though one time he almost got as good as he was giving.  One day he called up the woman he was trying impregnate to let her know he was on his way over to her place.  She told him fine but that they couldn’t have sex as she was having an outbreak.  He asked what she was talking about.  She then reminded him that she had herpes.  She had told him when they were just friends and then he forgot by the time they got around to being sex partners.  So he dumped her and went back to men because the last thing he needed was herpes and HIV.

So, she told him what she had but he didn’t feel the need to disclose what he had.  Uh huh.  Then it all came out in a messy court case. *eye rolls*

Child, I got so much of Baby Hairs drama from TPL through the years that I had to give him a new nickname that I shall not repeat here. *chuckle*

At any rate, I think I’ll be scarce for a bit to give the ladies a chance to cool off. 

They are almost all younger than me and we’ve had different experiences.  I understand that they’ve had a lot more positive ones than negative.  I think I’ve had a lot more negative than positive.  So I look at things a lot differently because I’ve seen the underbelly (love that word) of a lot of relationships, heterosexual and homosexual.  It ain’t all roses and butterfly kisses.

Oh well.  I still got three other places to hang out on the net and *sighs* I got plenty of stuff to do around the house.

*looks at some projects that need finishing*

So CCW1's post

*chuckle* Every time I think it is finished, I think of something else to add. I really wish I had had the forethought to start it back in 2009. *shrug* But who knew. It is now 17 pages long. *smh* Sheesh!

Oh! The couple I blogged about, the one where I didn't feel like he had claimed her? Well they broke up. I gave them till spring mentally. I would never tell anyone, unless forced to, that I didn't think their relationship would make it. It is a shame because she really loves him. I think that his affections lie elsewhere just from a few of the things she has said. Like how much of his time, energy, effort, and money he spends ELSEWHERE. *smh*

One thing I have learned about men, especially black men because we blacks are more financially challenged than Caucasians, is that wherever men invest the majority of their time, energy, effort, and money is where their affections lie. Everything about their relationship just seemed to scream at me that there was someone else he wanted but that someone didn't want him romantically. JMHO of course as I've never met the two of them in person. Just conversing over the internet.

Now his ex is in a bad place. I hope she doesn't take him back when he comes crawling back because he's coming. The scenario I see is that whoever he really wants has been especially nice to him right now. He's going through it personally. He is, as many people do, mistaking sympathy and kindness for something deeper. It won't be long before that person puts him straight yet again and he comes running back to his ex. It will be around the time she is healing nicely but ain't completely over him. *smh*

And the wheels on the bus go round and round. There is very little that is new under the sun.

I think me and TPL are going through a thing. Or rather he is. *smh* I haven't heard from him much of late. I know one of his cousins is near death. And him and his brother are going through some issues so it may be just him having family stuff to deal with. We just usually talk 3-5 times a week and now we don't talk at all. This started with the new year. *shrug* I'll just have to wait and see I guess.

I came up with a pretty good business idea...for someone else. *chuckle* It would require having patience with senior citizens and my patience is just about at a bust. With so many baby boomers headed for 65 and above they will need people to either run errands for them or drive them to errands. I've noticed that a lot of boomers' children are super busy (read selfish) and don't have time to do things for their parents. People running errand services would make a killing in this business. Also, paid companions for the elderly. A lot of them have the money but not the mental acumen to judge people correctly. There should be a company(ies) that run(s) background checks and does personality matches so that the elderly person can have a paid companion to look after them since their family can't (or won't) do it.

My best idea is a black dating service. Not none of these fly by night jobs but a black dating service like Match dot com where you do a thorough background check: credit, criminal, personal (yes check them exes), family court, etc. Get all up and through their business. That way both parties could relax and know that they are both just looking for love.

As a black woman, dating is treacherous. As soon as a black man finds out I'm single, no kids, and got my own place they try to latch on. I'm like WHOA!!!! I'm trying to get to know you and he's trying to move in. No, ninja, no. Then they try to run mind games. I don't love them like they love me. *skeptical face* Like ninja, I just met you 2 weeks ago. You ain't in love...with me. You are in love with the fact that I don't have any crumb snatchers in residence to get on your nerves like at your current woman's place.

A service geared toward black folk, because our issues differ from Caucasians, would be wonderful. How many baby mommas/daddies do they have? Who do they live with? Do they have loan sharks or drug dealers looking for their azzes? Do I have to repost about the dude MB3 tried to hook me up with who was running from some drug dealers? *shivers*

So yeah. That would be a great service. *sighs* Now when is someone gonna get on that? I don't have the patience for it but somewhere out there is someone who this is right up their alley. They would love doing it.

Oh well...that's tricks for now. *tips coffee cup at monitor*

Just random thoughts

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The Fabulous One (TFO)

This probably won’t be as long and as detailed as it would have once been. All the negative energy I held toward her is, for the most part, gone.

The two of us met just a few months before we met TPL. We just clicked right away. She’s about 6 years my junior but we are both Sagittarians.

Yeah. I do put a bit of stock in those star signs. Not enough to try and predict my future or anything like that. It’s just that there are certain characteristics that I have found that people born under some signs do seem to share. I always click with other Sags without a problem no matter what color they happen to be. All except MOS. Again…she is another long azz post. Maybe several posts. *eye roll*

We both are ambitious. She taught me some things about job hunting and just opened my mind to a lot of things that had never occurred to me. She is in the category of people who helped me grow becuz they wanted to. She introduced me to black literature. Yes, I had to be introduced to it. Besides what I had read in school, which was the old stuff, I had never sought any out and no one I knew was reading black writers. Ain’t that sad? Especially, since ALL my friends and acquaintences read for pleasure. Since the majority of them are black that’s pretty sad that I had to introduce black literature to our group.

Now, we all read black writers regularly.

Anyway, then we met TPL. We met him one day over lunch. As we left the lunch room our eyes met and we burst out laughing cuz TPL was totally off the chain. He MADE lunch time fun time.

Man we had some great times back then. We worked hard and fast so we could have plenty of time to cut up at lunch. That’s where our great 3some started. Please remove your head from the gutter. It was totally a platonic 3some.

TFO and I use to get together for dinner out once a month. She had one kid and a live in boyfriend back then so once/month was all she could manage. Really that was all I could manage too. I had an apartment, no roommate and was saving for a car. So my pennies were spoken for too but it was great to have someone to hang out with who loved to laugh as much as me.

Funny how my crybaby harpy (as TDP would say) friends are still here but the good time buddies are in the wind. I’m not saying that’s a bad thing it’s just interesting. Cuz when our 3some ended they were all too happy to welcome me back with no reproach. Yeah, it’s really interesting.

My harpies couldn’t stand TPL and TFO cuz soon TPL was joining us for dinner and that was a wrap for the harpies for awhile. I was no longer at their beck and call. I had friends that I could make plans with and hang out and have a GOOD time with. I didn’t have to hear their same old complaints time and time again causing me indigestion cuz the heffas had no intention of changing their situation. They just wanted to dump that negative energy on someone else.

NOTE TO ALL HARPIES: If you want to convince your single friends that they should couple up with anyone they can find and have a baby no matter what the situation then your azz should call them when you are happy some damn time. Yeah, heffas, I’m saying.

We had a couple years of fun.

You know, in retrospect, I should have paid a lot more attention when TPL said this:

I don’t keep friends long becuz someone is always lying and then I end up having to tell them about themselves.

Or something to that effect. Yeah…he never said he wouldn’t be one of the people lying.

Chile, a lot of lying and disrespecting went on that took our friendship to its inevitable end. I think what tore it was this last incident.

TFO had suddenly gotten into the habit of telling me and TPL that she would meet us somewhere for dinner and then not show up. She wouldn’t call nor would she answer our calls. When we finally got a hold of her there would be no explanation and no apology.

This went on for many months till one day she called me sounding really depressed about a situation going on in her life. I asked if she wanted to get together and talk. She said yes. She picked the place and the time.

Ok, it was at this restaurant in this really dangerous area of town known for its heavy drug traffic. But a friend was in need so I went.

I get there. It’s winter time so its pitch black over there at the time she picked. I park in the small parking lot and wait becuz I didn’t see her car. I decide to give her half an hour and then I was going home. I felt pretty safe sitting in my car cuz every few minutes or so a police car would drive by.

But this little voice in the back of my mind kept saying: get out of the car. Over and over again and I kept getting more and more anxious for no apparent reason. So finally after about 12 minutes I got out of the car and headed into the restaurant. The police car went by again as I went inside. In that 12 minute period I had seen what I thought were 4-5 different cop cars. When I got inside I called her cell and home. No answer as usual.

I went back to my car and went home. I was livid! This place is clear on the other side of town from me mind you! This happened on a Friday night. You know that heffa didn’t call me the whole weekend. I did call TPL and told him about it and we decided that was it. We just wouldn’t invite her out with us anymore if that was how she was going to treat us. And neither of us were going anywhere with her alone again. No telling if she would show or not. And we didn’t know why. She refused to even discuss what was up with her.

So Monday morning I get to work and sign into my computer. Back then my messenger was set up to sign in as soon as I turned on my computer. An IM from her pops up. I ignore it and switch my presence to invisible. So she calls my work number. She is fine. No explanations. Doesn’t even bring up the fact that she left me in a drug infested area at night alone without the benefit of a call.

So I ask: Where the hell were you? I came clear the fuk across town for you and you were nowhere to be found and you didn’t answer your damn phone!

You know what her response was: Why didn’t you call before you left your house?

So I guess, if I had called before I left home and not gotten an answer I was to take from that that she was not going to show up. Bytch! WTF?

But you know what. I dropped it. It wasn’t worth it and evidently she didn’t think our friendship was worth it and I was done.

So my supervisor noticed and asked me what was going on after I hung up the phone. I told her what happened Friday and the incredulous look on her face said it all for me. I wasn’t crazy and I had a right to feel the way I felt. Then she schooled me.

She said that a person like that doesn’t care about you. They don’t care about your personal safety. That is a person who would have no problem hurting you for any reason.

That thought kind of scared me cuz that had never crossed my mind.

Then she said that I should be glad I listened to that little worrying voice. She knew the area too and she said that was probably the same cop driving back and forth. He probably had put a timer on how long he was going to let me sit before he came and investigated my presence there.

I said so, I didn’t have any drugs on me. She asked did I have any cash on me. Well, Friday had been payday and I had withdrawn quite a bit of cash to hang out and do stuff over the weekend. She said then he would have assumed that I was there to buy drugs. And since TFO wasn’t answering her phone so that she could corroborate my story he could have pulled me in for questioning. Then with it being a weekend they could have held me over till Monday at which time I would probably end up jobless when I called from jail to say I couldn’t make it to work and why.

Yeah you read that right. I had no guile back in my 20s. I would have called my supervisor and told her everything that had happened.

I looked at her in shock and before I could ask the question she answered it. I would have been jobless becuz our employer does not employ people under suspicion by the police of illegal activities. If nothing else they could have charged me with and convicted me of loitering. After all no girlfriend showed up and there was no one answering the number I would have given the police.

So yeah…I was done with TFO that day. I told that to TPL. He thought I was kidding. It took years for him to realize it. I think he thought as the years went on that I would soften. I’m not hard. I’m just done. I told him he was welcome to be friends with her but I was done.

His lying azz of course tells me he doesn’t talk to her anymore. *smh* But see, even though I don’t talk to TFO anymore she finds a way to communicate with me. See every time I tell TPL something juicy that is going on in my life TFO will send me a joke or inspirational email. I never respond but I got the message. TPL just passed along whatever bit of juice I gave him to her. *chuckle* I don’t care really cuz I never give him anything that I don’t want him to have. Nothing truly private just funny stuff that happens in my life. Like meeting HKS on North Avenue. Oh and by the way, that restaurant that I was to meet TFO at that night is located on a side street directly off of North Avenue. *chuckle*

He has tried a few times to get us back together. One day he cajoled and cajoled me until I told him I would think about it. But I told him that I had no intention of going through that foolishness of her standing us up anymore. I had shyt to do in my own life.

So he emailed her, cc’ing me, asking her about that. I forget how he worded it but he kind of jokingly alluded to her standing us up and asking had she changed. You know that heffa didn’t answer his question. She had been answering his emails up to that point though. After about 20 mins of her not answering he sent an email about something else. She responded to that email immediately but never answered his question about standing us up.

And I remained done. I called him on the phone and told him to have fun at dinner. He stopped trying after that.

So that is the short (hah) story of my friendship with TFO. There are a lot of bad stories I could tell but there are also some really funny stories I could tell. I let go of the bad so that I could hold on to the good stuff. I don’t know what was going on in her life and I guess she didn’t feel she could trust me with it. That’s a shame cuz she lost a good friend.

*Tips Welch’s Mango Passion Fruit juice at the monitor*

Dr. Phil’s Dating Show

So I took a day off so that I could have an extended holiday for the Memorial Day weekend and I caught Dr. Phil’s Dating show. His guest was Steve Harvey, author of the book Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man. This show was very interesting. *shrug* To me anyway.

They showcased two women, one black the other white, who were having trouble finding a man. They sent the two women out with dates and recorded the date to critique what the women were doing wrong.

They critiqued the white woman. But when we got to the black woman *snicker* there didn’t seem to be much critiquing going on. I think it had something to do with how her date went. *chuckle*

The black woman was an attractive, articulate woman with one child. Her date was a black man named TC, father of two boys, and an aspiring author. *side MF eye* TC says he is writing a book about the sexual relationships of “Afro-American men and women”. Yes, he pronounced it just like that. There wasn’t a thing articulate about TC. When she asked him what TC stood for his response was “Total Control. You may have a chance to find out about that later.” *bouncing in chair laughing* In one fell swoop, TC explained to the world why so many black American women are unmarried. *snort, snicker, chuckle*

Thank you, TC, wherever you are. You just validated me in my feeling that there aren’t a lot of good black men out there despite what most black men keep saying. Cuz if he was the best Dr. Phil could find with all his resources, what are my chances?

TC is typical of the black guys I’ve been meeting. The first date they are trying to figure out how soon until they get you into bed. Of course they’ll respect you and still call you tomorrow if they sex you on the first date. *rolls eyes* There seems to be this race on to use and discard as many black women as you can among a lot , NOT ALL, but a lot of the black men I keep meeting.

I mean I’ve met some nice black guys that for one reason or another we just weren’t compatible. But I’ve met a lot more TCs and we were not compatible at all. *smh*

Not just me either, but my friends and acquaintances seem to be running into more and more TCs. Even a coworker of mine and she’s white! There was always this belief among black women that white women always got the best of the best black men. Now they got the same chances as the rest of us to end up with a TC. *smirk*

The show was supposed to show women having trouble finding the right man how to improve their chances. Again, there was no critique for the black woman. So how is a woman like her supposed to find a good black man?

As the show finished up I wondered when someone would write a self help guide for black men on how to be the men that black women want…then I realized that they wouldn’t read it if you wrote it. As long as they continue to believe that they are all good men and black women are just evil and bitter they won’t be changing anytime soon. Sad. Very sad.

This reminded me of a male friend of mine, let’s call him Terrence. He is a great guy all around, a gentleman, funny, has no kids and he’s gainfully employed. We are both in our 40s. We met in college and we were buddies then. I thought of him as a brother. Whew, back in college his was FINE! But he didn’t think of me in those terms and I settled into the friend zone. He doesn’t have the six pack he had in college but he is still a very attractive man. Heck, I’d do him if he moved me out of the friend zone AND IF…I didn’t know what I know about him.

See, Terrance has slept with MCB…and she said he was horrible. Well, that was back in college. We lost touch not too long after college and then reconnected a few years ago. He is still single. He says that every girlfriend he has ever had has cheated on him. When I told MCB she said she would too if she was his girlfriend. *shocked face* I told her that maybe she should tell him when he called her, cuz he was trying to reconnect with her. She said nope. When I pressed she told me to tell him.

Now, I know me telling him that she said he was a terrible lover would have probably ended him so of course I refused. I feel bad for him and with everything he has going for him if he could just improve in that one department he could find and keep a good woman.

TFO and I brought the subject up to TPL. TFO was having the same problem with the guy she was seeing. TPL being a black man we sought out how to tell them. He basically confirmed that I definitely couldn’t tell Terrance and that TFO shouldn’t tell her man either. He said you had to leave them with their dignity. *confused face*

Dignity is a very cold bedfellow. Wouldn’t you think? I’d hate for my sex skills or kissing skills, or conversation skills, or anything that I can improve on be the only reason I don’t keep a man. All it takes is someone who knows to tell it.

I was telling a coworker about it and she suggested that I sleep with him. No. Thank. You. First, he has me in the friend zone and I am quite happy to be there. I thought about it. He’s 42! I can’t believe that in all those years not one woman has brought his inadequacies in the sex department up to him and he hasn’t changed. So the question is: Has he not changed becuz he doen’t believe them or becuz he just can’t or doesn’t know how? If he doesn’t know how *smirk* I can help with that. I got plenty of patience. But what if the problem is that he doesn’t believe them or he feels that he can’t improve or won’t try?

One of the few things I know for sure in life is that you CANNOT make a black man do anything he hasn’t made up his mind to do. And he has to make up his mind on his own to do it. So if his heart and mind ain’t into improving his sexual skills then ain’t a thing me or anyone else can do about it.

If that is true…then I would have slept with him for nothing more than a bad memory and our friendship would be over. *side eye* Nope! I’ll stay in the friend zone and pray for him. *shrug* That’s the best I got.

It just seems like you are not supposed to criticize black men. I mean I get it. The US of A hasn’t been particularly kind to non-Caucasians. I think Chris Rock said it the best I’ve heard it and I’m gonna paraphrase him cuz I don’t remember word for word but it goes something like this:

“America to black people is kinda like an uncle that molested you as a child but paid for your college education.”

Yeah. That’s about right. I haven’t traveled as extensively as I would have liked. I have a passport now and I am rectifying that as my salary and job allow. So far I haven’t been anywhere that I like as much as the US of A. Truth. Thus far in my travels I wouldn’t wanna be a citizen of any other country on the face of this planet.

But the US of A hasn’t been particularly kind to me and mine. Country Time Lemonade use to run commercials about the good old days. They look really lovely…shame I can’t claim any good old days. I look back on US history and there isn’t a time in known history that I would want to revisit wearing the skin I wear today. Hell, I ain’t crazy about living right now wearing the skin I’m in.

Saying that, I know black men have it hard…but so do I and I have to listen to the criticism. I have to examine myself and see if I am guilty of the criticism leveled at black people and especially black women every moment I draw breath. I seek the betterment of me, myself, and I.

It is by no means easy. There are a lot of lies and half truths being tossed about. I seek knowledge and truth…even if it isn’t pleasant. Even if the unpleasant truth is about me. You can’t grow and change for the better if you aren’t examining yourself and doing the hard work. Ya know?

So, if me and every black woman born and yet to be born gotta do it then why don’t black men? I am not allowed to be a fragile little flower that can’t stand the light of bright, burning truth. Why do black men get to hide in the shadows of lies and half-truths? Why do I have to protect him and his ego? When do the words I and my sisters speak become truth to them and not just bitter lies? When do black men accept responsibility along with me for the good, the bad, and all that is ugly within the black American community?

*head scratch* Yeah, I know, a lot of questions. I wish I had some answers.

Curiously venting...

Ok, just venting for a second here.


A little something something about me. I believe in ‘do unto others as you would have them do unto you.’

No, people don’t always treat me this way but I ain’t living for them. *shrug* I sleep pretty well and I know what goes around comes around. And, I have been BLESSED! Wish I knew how to put sparkles around that last word.

So, since I have no children to prepare for on Christmas, I have always volunteered to be the person or one of the persons holding down the fort, so to speak, on Christmas Eve at all my jobs.

This year was no different.

First of December, my boss went around doing a check on who would be working on Christmas Eve. Now, the employer I currently have closes half day every Christmas Eve. It’s part of our holiday schedule. So it really is no hardship to work on Christmas Eve in my present job. There are one or two departments that work the whole day because of the work they do. The employees in those departments just take that half day at another time at their discretion.

Hoe-kay!

Every single one of my co-workers had Christmas Eve stuff to do. People were traveling, people were entertaining, people were being entertained, etc. So, my boss was about to tell the newest employee that he would be there Christmas Eve alone. I was coming around the corner on the way back to my office when she was talking to him. So I piped in that I’d be happy to come in. It just makes sense really because I can do everything from review contracts, submit modifications, do preliminary budgets, cost transfers, capital asset purchases, etc.

The new guy is a financial analyst (FA) and for obvious reasons there is a limit on the things they can do in my company.
My boss thanked me for volunteering to come in and let the new guy off the hook.

So for weeks everyone was happily chatting away about their holiday plans. My family gets together on Christmas Eve but not until the evening.

My boss’ last day was Tuesday and everyone still had their plans in place. I would be the only person working on Thursday 12/24/09.

Then Wednesday morning dawned. Suddenly people were changing their plans. Now, I don’t particularly care that people decided to work on Wednesday. Not at all. What got me is that had they spoken up on Tuesday then I could have asked my boss for Thursday off. Since both my boss and her second in command were off there was no one to approve my request.

Wednesday night you could have fried an egg on my forehead I was so mad. I mean, my boss is great. Tuesday afternoon she went around checking to be sure everyone’s plans including mine hadn’t changed because she knew she would not be in Wednesday or Thursday. Everyone piped in they still had plans!

Then Wednesday people started changing their minds. *truly evil side eye all the way around*

Thursday morning comes. I tell myself I am blessed just to have a job and bounce into work as usual. But…there are only 3 of us there. *blink blink* Of the 3 of us, only two of us are really working. I always got stuff to do. I need an administrative assistant to help me but in these lean times it’s just not in the budget. So I do it all which keeps me busy and mostly out of trouble. Mostly.

So around 11 am, I look up and one of the people who said they were coming in strolls in. Again *blink blink*.  No, 11 am isn't anyone's normal time to show up for work.

I am just curious. If your employer says you can leave between 12:00-1:00 pm, what was the point in showing up at 11:00 am and then telling everyone you’ll be working until 5-7 pm? Doing what exactly cuz when I say everything and everyone shuts down that’s exactly what I mean. I mean the computer system is up but after you do a cost transfer, etc, there are no bosses there to approve them. And even if you called my boss at home and she signed into her computer from home and approved your work, there’s no one in purchasing, HR, accounts payables/receivables, etc to process it.

Yeah…what was that all about?

Me and my other coworker, who was actually working, just kind of gave each other a wise side eye on the sly and went back to work. I had almost 300 emails in my inbox and I was trying to get them down to 200 by noon and I didn’t have time for those trying to get over.

Why do people try to get over in such small insignificant ways? I mean really, you are trying to cheat your employer out of half a day’s pay? Why? What exactly is the victory in that?

I know people who say they do it. They seem happy about it. The one person who tells me that they do it a lot, TPL, is always at the whim of his cell becuz he never knows when someone is calling to check up on him and he has to rush back to the job. *smh*

I am at my job during the hours that I agreed upon. When I leave work I am under no obligation to answer my phone after I leave. I can walk away from work and leave work there. I don’t have to worry about getting caught. Good grief! I get 4 weeks vacation and 12 sick days/year. TPL gets 6 WEEKS VACATION and 12 sick days/year. What is the point of sneaking time off?

And he ain’t the only one. He is just one of the ones bragging about it to me. *shrug*

Nothing to brag about as far as I am concerned. If you are so smart that you can get over in these small little insignificant ways on your employer then why don’t you put your considerable smarts to good use? Why not figure out how to build a better rat trap? This is Bmore, baby, we got rats!

Why not invent the next modern marvel? The super computer that will stop all computer viruses in their tracks? Improve the internet? Cure cancer? Invent a way to fix the holes in the ozone layer? Why not write that Pulitzer Prize winning novel? World peace, anyone? I mean…since you so smart and all.

*sighing and smh chuckling* Okay. I am finished venting for the moment.