Dr. Phil’s Dating Show

So I took a day off so that I could have an extended holiday for the Memorial Day weekend and I caught Dr. Phil’s Dating show. His guest was Steve Harvey, author of the book Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man. This show was very interesting. *shrug* To me anyway.

They showcased two women, one black the other white, who were having trouble finding a man. They sent the two women out with dates and recorded the date to critique what the women were doing wrong.

They critiqued the white woman. But when we got to the black woman *snicker* there didn’t seem to be much critiquing going on. I think it had something to do with how her date went. *chuckle*

The black woman was an attractive, articulate woman with one child. Her date was a black man named TC, father of two boys, and an aspiring author. *side MF eye* TC says he is writing a book about the sexual relationships of “Afro-American men and women”. Yes, he pronounced it just like that. There wasn’t a thing articulate about TC. When she asked him what TC stood for his response was “Total Control. You may have a chance to find out about that later.” *bouncing in chair laughing* In one fell swoop, TC explained to the world why so many black American women are unmarried. *snort, snicker, chuckle*

Thank you, TC, wherever you are. You just validated me in my feeling that there aren’t a lot of good black men out there despite what most black men keep saying. Cuz if he was the best Dr. Phil could find with all his resources, what are my chances?

TC is typical of the black guys I’ve been meeting. The first date they are trying to figure out how soon until they get you into bed. Of course they’ll respect you and still call you tomorrow if they sex you on the first date. *rolls eyes* There seems to be this race on to use and discard as many black women as you can among a lot , NOT ALL, but a lot of the black men I keep meeting.

I mean I’ve met some nice black guys that for one reason or another we just weren’t compatible. But I’ve met a lot more TCs and we were not compatible at all. *smh*

Not just me either, but my friends and acquaintances seem to be running into more and more TCs. Even a coworker of mine and she’s white! There was always this belief among black women that white women always got the best of the best black men. Now they got the same chances as the rest of us to end up with a TC. *smirk*

The show was supposed to show women having trouble finding the right man how to improve their chances. Again, there was no critique for the black woman. So how is a woman like her supposed to find a good black man?

As the show finished up I wondered when someone would write a self help guide for black men on how to be the men that black women want…then I realized that they wouldn’t read it if you wrote it. As long as they continue to believe that they are all good men and black women are just evil and bitter they won’t be changing anytime soon. Sad. Very sad.

This reminded me of a male friend of mine, let’s call him Terrence. He is a great guy all around, a gentleman, funny, has no kids and he’s gainfully employed. We are both in our 40s. We met in college and we were buddies then. I thought of him as a brother. Whew, back in college his was FINE! But he didn’t think of me in those terms and I settled into the friend zone. He doesn’t have the six pack he had in college but he is still a very attractive man. Heck, I’d do him if he moved me out of the friend zone AND IF…I didn’t know what I know about him.

See, Terrance has slept with MCB…and she said he was horrible. Well, that was back in college. We lost touch not too long after college and then reconnected a few years ago. He is still single. He says that every girlfriend he has ever had has cheated on him. When I told MCB she said she would too if she was his girlfriend. *shocked face* I told her that maybe she should tell him when he called her, cuz he was trying to reconnect with her. She said nope. When I pressed she told me to tell him.

Now, I know me telling him that she said he was a terrible lover would have probably ended him so of course I refused. I feel bad for him and with everything he has going for him if he could just improve in that one department he could find and keep a good woman.

TFO and I brought the subject up to TPL. TFO was having the same problem with the guy she was seeing. TPL being a black man we sought out how to tell them. He basically confirmed that I definitely couldn’t tell Terrance and that TFO shouldn’t tell her man either. He said you had to leave them with their dignity. *confused face*

Dignity is a very cold bedfellow. Wouldn’t you think? I’d hate for my sex skills or kissing skills, or conversation skills, or anything that I can improve on be the only reason I don’t keep a man. All it takes is someone who knows to tell it.

I was telling a coworker about it and she suggested that I sleep with him. No. Thank. You. First, he has me in the friend zone and I am quite happy to be there. I thought about it. He’s 42! I can’t believe that in all those years not one woman has brought his inadequacies in the sex department up to him and he hasn’t changed. So the question is: Has he not changed becuz he doen’t believe them or becuz he just can’t or doesn’t know how? If he doesn’t know how *smirk* I can help with that. I got plenty of patience. But what if the problem is that he doesn’t believe them or he feels that he can’t improve or won’t try?

One of the few things I know for sure in life is that you CANNOT make a black man do anything he hasn’t made up his mind to do. And he has to make up his mind on his own to do it. So if his heart and mind ain’t into improving his sexual skills then ain’t a thing me or anyone else can do about it.

If that is true…then I would have slept with him for nothing more than a bad memory and our friendship would be over. *side eye* Nope! I’ll stay in the friend zone and pray for him. *shrug* That’s the best I got.

It just seems like you are not supposed to criticize black men. I mean I get it. The US of A hasn’t been particularly kind to non-Caucasians. I think Chris Rock said it the best I’ve heard it and I’m gonna paraphrase him cuz I don’t remember word for word but it goes something like this:

“America to black people is kinda like an uncle that molested you as a child but paid for your college education.”

Yeah. That’s about right. I haven’t traveled as extensively as I would have liked. I have a passport now and I am rectifying that as my salary and job allow. So far I haven’t been anywhere that I like as much as the US of A. Truth. Thus far in my travels I wouldn’t wanna be a citizen of any other country on the face of this planet.

But the US of A hasn’t been particularly kind to me and mine. Country Time Lemonade use to run commercials about the good old days. They look really lovely…shame I can’t claim any good old days. I look back on US history and there isn’t a time in known history that I would want to revisit wearing the skin I wear today. Hell, I ain’t crazy about living right now wearing the skin I’m in.

Saying that, I know black men have it hard…but so do I and I have to listen to the criticism. I have to examine myself and see if I am guilty of the criticism leveled at black people and especially black women every moment I draw breath. I seek the betterment of me, myself, and I.

It is by no means easy. There are a lot of lies and half truths being tossed about. I seek knowledge and truth…even if it isn’t pleasant. Even if the unpleasant truth is about me. You can’t grow and change for the better if you aren’t examining yourself and doing the hard work. Ya know?

So, if me and every black woman born and yet to be born gotta do it then why don’t black men? I am not allowed to be a fragile little flower that can’t stand the light of bright, burning truth. Why do black men get to hide in the shadows of lies and half-truths? Why do I have to protect him and his ego? When do the words I and my sisters speak become truth to them and not just bitter lies? When do black men accept responsibility along with me for the good, the bad, and all that is ugly within the black American community?

*head scratch* Yeah, I know, a lot of questions. I wish I had some answers.

Women are some mean and nasty heffas...sometimes.

Why are we women so mean and nasty *pause and eye roll* sometimes?


I know. I know. We aren’t always mean and nasty. We can be loving, nurturing, caring, etc, etc. But I declare for all of that we can be some mean and nasty heffas.

Ok, here is the latest.

In March I ordered some slacks from my favorite mail order catalog. I ordered them in the size I have been ordering my clothes in for the last 5 years or more. When they arrived I tried them on eagerly. And they fit like I ordered them two sizes too small! I took each pair off and checked the size label and sure enough they were the size I had ordered. I mean with the first pair I could lie to myself and say they were cut small but when I got to the wide legged pair of pants I had ordered there was no way to hide behind the lie.

I immediately went to consult my bathroom scale. Sure enough, it seems that while I was snowed in I had picked up about 10 pounds. *sigh*

So, I thought about it and decided to drop the 10 pounds instead of ordering larger sizes. I started small in mid March. I dropped about 5 pounds in a few weeks. Then around the last week of March one of the members of my new online hangout Baller Alert (www.baleralert.com) issued a get healthy challenge to the members. Just 30 days of living right.

Since I still had 5 pounds to go to get comfortably into my new clothes I figured what the heck and joined in. I got rid of all the white sugar and now use raw sugar or brown sugar. I no longer eat white bread. *gasp and grabs chest* You have no idea how much that hurt. I am a bread junky. I love breads and rolls. Luckily, I can still have rye and pumpernickel. Whole wheat bread takes a whole lot of getting use to. I still am trying to get use to it. But the change cut down on my carb intake that’s for sure. I went from 6-8 servings of bread a day down to 2 servings of bread a day. *chuckle*

Something I’d like to pass on about switching over to whole grain breads…drink lots and lots of water! *chuckle* Now I get between 64-70 ounces of water in me a day on a regular. But with switching over to eating whole grains I HAD to up that to no less than 80 ounces of water a day. Having my bowels locked up or slow for over 2 weeks was enough to convince me of that. Took me another week to get them unlocked and I am still working on getting them back to their regular 2-3 times a day schedule.

So anyway, while I was at it I stopped eating fried foods. If it isn’t baked, boiled, broiled, steamed or stir fried in olive oil then it doesn’t cross my lips. I’ve done well, even though for the last week I have been dying for a piece of Popeye’s fried chicken. So far I am fighting the craving.

So far I’ve dropped over 20 pounds since March. I am in my new slacks and loving the way they hang on me now. *smile*

So one of the ladies on my job noticed that I was losing weight. She asked me what I was doing and I told her and blah blah blah. That should have been the end of it, right? *tired side eye* Wrong.

So she told the other women in our little section. So they all had to come look at me and ask questions. That would have been so nice if that had been the end of it. But no…she had to tell one more woman outside of our section. You’d think this lady of the church, pastor’s wife and all would have been supportive. You’d think. You really would. But that’s not the feeling I got from her.

So, she came by with the normal questions and I gave the normal answers. Then this: “Nothing fried at all?”

No.

“Not even a french fry?”

No.

Then she rubs her stomach that looks as if she is 8 months pregnant and shakes her head. “Oh. I couldn’t do that. You know you can bake french fries in the oven and that’s not as bad.”

I smiled my bland little smile that I give to people trying to tell me to have a baby right quick and said nothing.

What I felt like saying was this:

Sweetie, I didn’t ask you for your advice. You came around to my office which is half a floor away from you to be nosey and ask me questions. I didn’t walk around to your office half a floor away to tell/order/ask/coerce you into joining me in my quest to get healthy. I neither need nor want an oven baked french fry or anything else fried. I’m good. I am satisfied with my slow steady weight loss. I ain’t denying myself anything that I need. I get plenty of rest and drink plenty of water. I eat about 3 meals a day and have found that I actually like baked Lays potato chips. They kinda taste like Pringles (my addiction) and have only 2 grams of fat. I eat sorbet instead of ice cream. Yoplait yogurt is my brand of crack now. I haven’t even started exercising, yet. I thought I’d see how much I could lose without really trying first.

So if my 20+ pounds is hurting your feelings then hold on, momma, cuz as soon as I hit my first plateau I will be kicking it into gear and starting my exercise regime. You, Mrs. Pastor’s Wife, first lady of the church will really be hating then. *smh*

Why couldn’t she just say good job and keep it moving like everyone else? Like I’ve done to other people who have lost weight in the past? *smh* Pastor’s wife. Church folk.

My childhood pastor use to say that the devil comes to church, too. Dang. He didn’t tell me how high up in the ministerial hierarchy he could go. *smh*

*tips Stewart’s crème soda bottle at monitor*