Why is life so hard?

I'm having one of those days when it just all seems too frigging hard. I don't understand nearly enough of it. I wonder why I am here and why am I doing so badly? *sigh* I just want to go home.

So long, farewell, something something, and goodbye to Facebook

Soooooooooooooooooooooooooo…I’m gone from Facebook…again. This time for good. I do not play he said she said and I am too old for electronic battles.  I got real life battles to deal with.

So I am on FB Saturday afternoon trying to play catch up when I head over to my ladies group and evidently TDP and HKS are having some type of fb argument.  I can’t see anything TDP writes because he blocked me ages ago. *shrug* Turns out it is a blessing, God is awesome! Since I can’t see it then I can’t be pulled into it.

However, one of my fb buddies tried to pull me into it. I was like, wait…what?  Why are you calling me out and you know all the dirt? Is what I was thinking. *chuckle* I basically gave a “no comment” comment and exited the group. Not that I didn’t want to say something, because game recognizes game, but I knew it wasn’t my place.

Anyway what struck me as always was how quick the women in the group were to jump on HKS. Long story short he’s moving him and his son to VA to live with her. As in now. Um, school ends in about a month. Why is he yanking his kid out of school this close to the end of the school year?  That was my thought. Not why isn’t HKS responding to him about the move. That’s his son, not hers.

Everyone kept saying, but there is a child involved. I’m thinking, yeah, his child. Because if the situation were reversed then everyone would be looking at her like she was crazy for yanking her kid out of school before the school year ended and moving to another state to depend on some man.

I know this because we already had a similar scenario on BA. *chuckle*

Anyway, it threw me into another round of self examination. Because my response and thoughts were so totally different from everyone else’s. I mean, I do not think of myself as a bitch. But considering the way all the other women were just jumping on HKS, I was wondering had I turned into a bitch without realizing it.

I guess what I am trying to figure out now at the age of 44 years is how much compassion do you show a person?  All the other ladies were just so concerned about the child and his father. Me on the other hand:

Seriously. I couldn’t care less about his situation. Maybe I know too much of their back story.  Maybe it is the fact that I didn’t attend his birthday party but sent a gift, and notified him ahead of time that I couldn’t attend due to illness and apologized AND he was still pissy months later.  That told me a lot about his character right there. I just shook my head when he called himself subliminally cussing me out about it on twitter. *shrug* He’s damn near 40 years old and mad because someone didn’t attend his birthday party. Seriously? Yeah. Ok.

Seriously, if you send me a gift on my birthday instead of coming to see me because you are sick, I ain’t going to be mad with you depending on the gift. *chuckle*

But back to me being a bitch.  Am I just a cold unfeeling bitch? I guess that will be one of the things for me to work on and think about. I never thought I was. I thought I was compassionate and caring but the whole time they were talking about HKS, I just kept thinking “That’s his kid, not hers. She owes him and that kid zilch.”

How much compassion do you show to him and his child in this situation? He’s not moving to Virginia to BE with her, he’s moving him and his child IN with her. And I am being left with the impression he doesn’t have a job and is still married to his wife. Oh the wife is staying here in public housing.

He ain’t married to me then he can’t live with me and I don’t do men with young children. AND I DAMN FOR SURE DON’T DO MEN WHO ARE MARRIED TO ANYONE OTHER THAN ME!

And what the rest of them don’t know is that those two sometimes make each other mad in order to enhance their sex lives. When HKS and I were friends she would be pissed with him and they’d do and say things to each other to make each other madder. Then they’d get together for a sex session and work all that aggression out.  Then they would be cool again. It works for them.

So while I’m contemplating my bitch status those two may be somewhere burning a hole in a floor. Maybe.  One thing I am 90% sure of is that this ain’t over by a long shot and I am excusing myself from the drama. I am going to miss the shenanigans. Oh well. To everything a season under Heaven.  I guess my season with FB is over.

I'm trying to believe this woman is trying to help me but...

So it is Friday morning and I am trying to clean up some things on my desk. We are trying to get a document out the door to a client. There is a portion that has to come from our controller's office and our contact just ain't cooperating with us. We've been trying to get this document out the door since JANUARY!!!!

So the client drops us all another email first thing this morning and I email my boss and one of the other managers that perhaps it is time to kick it up to the guy's supervisor. So neither of those two answer. I made the mistake, I now see, of including my coworker on the email.

I don't know why but that sends her into scurry mode. She starts scurrying around pulling all these documents from other places trying to make the document up HERSELF. Ok.  Now neither my boss or the other manager have even responded to my email yet. I end up spending the next hour proofing shyt she is pulling together.

Finally, I see my boss go by and I call her into the fray of this mess. Do you know what my coworker does after pulling all these files and dumping them on my desk?  She scurries back to her office talking about "Oh let me get out of here. I don't want to be involved."

It took everything in my power to keep my professionalism on lock. So my boss rightly questions, as she still hasn't answered my email, did we just give up on getting the document from the other department? I said well {insert coworker's name} has. *imagine sounds of woman across the hall going: "Oh no no, keep me out of it" while me and the boss are talking*  Did you read my email?  My boss said yes and that she was going to call and talk to him before moving up to his supervisor.

So I spent my morning running down numbers for absolutely no reason whatsoever. I know she means well. I do. I know she means well but dear dear dear sweet Lord ... can she grow a bit of a backbone? Can she stop being so much of a worry wort? I just need her to dial it back one notch! Just ONE!

Then after all that she went back to her office and just yelled a few things she thought I should know because it is going to come back to you (me), you know? And she is probably right on that. But at the same time everyone knows what is going on. This didn't start with me. The goes back before I even got the account and you know who was handling it before me? My boss. So yeah. I go? We go.

I just needed to vent this. Now, I'm going to go have a cocktail. *salutes screen with empty highball glass*

Am I Weird?

So I am back to thinking I’m weird again.  So many different things going on with the people around me.  TPL isn’t speaking to his brother or his sister-in-law (SIL) according to him.  Now that is a first.  He and his brother will be on the outs every now and again but they always work it out through the SIL.  Now TPL is mad with the SIL because he found out she told his brother that he couldn’t bring his son to live with them.

Long story short: TPL’s brother has a child from a one night stand he had before he met and married his wife.  DNA verified.  At some point in the child’s development the baby momma (BM) couldn’t handle him anymore and wanted TPL’s brother to take him but keep paying her the child support. *blink blink*  SIL said no and that was the end of that.

TPL feels they should have taken the son in regardless.  I kind of agree on that because they could have gotten a good lawyer to get custody once the boy had been in their custody long enough to show this was a better home for him and gotten child support discontinued.  However they didn’t.  TPL blames the SIL.  I didn’t say anything but the thing that kept running through my mind is just this:

If you can’t tell a black man what to do and you can’t make a black man do what he doesn’t want to do then how did your SIL make your brother not take in his own seed if that is what he wanted to do? *side eyeing that whole notion*

Black men.  I swear they running game on a whole different level and women are falling for it left and right.  So much so it makes me wonder from time to time if I am the crazy one.

Then one of my e-buddies had me on my side of the screen just shaking my head.  TickleDaPickle for lack of a better name for him was on her fb page admonishing her for stalking her man.  Now I just crack up at it because I know this is her way of coping and if you pay attention it gets less and less frequent as time goes on.  She’s a bit frustrated and this is her outlet.  TDP and a few others have a problem with it.

What got me was that when one chick said something she restricted her access to her page. *shrug* Your page and your ramble.  People can respect it, ignore it or block it.  Real simple.  No need to go in on someone especially since it was a JOKE.  Anyway when TDP went in on her she didn’t restrict or block his access. *smh*  Even black women have a double standard when it comes to how we let black men treat us.

Then she totally blew my mind when I found out she picks up and drops off the peen she ain’t getting anymore.  *blink blink*  Yeah, the last time a dude who was trying to date me was waiting around for me to pick him up he ended up blowing up my landline while I was out doing me.  Only peen I pick up requires batteries.

I totally don’t understand this concept.  Why?  Because it is dangerous for a woman to be out in this world alone.  A man who truly loves and values his woman would never want to put her at risk. *smh*

I’ve been on a writing jag this year so I haven’t been watching much tv.  But one of the last 48 Hours shows I caught was about a woman who was kidnapped and murdered after stopping at a convenience store to pick her boyfriend up some snacks.  There is video of her being snatched at the door.  So sad.  That mofo fell asleep waiting up for her so it was hours before she was reported missing.  He’s sitting on tv crying and I felt not one pang of sympathy for him.  He should have told her: Naw babe, I’m good.  You just come on home.  Or went to her job and rode home behind her.  There was a lot a good man would have done in that situation. 

So no, I don’t think much of any dude who would let his woman pick him up and drop him off and let her ride off alone in this crazy world.  Especially since the media does not publicize when blacks, male or female, come up missing.

Add to it he is SUPPOSED to be following the Muslim faith.  Naw.  He is supposed to make sure his woman is safe.  Where is all that machismo most Muslims have? *smh*  I still say he’s found himself a woman within his religious sect that he will ultimately marry.  If anyone asks, my e-buddy is just his friend.  And he’ll be telling the truth as they have stopped having sex.

None of the above would fly with me but most of the other women I know don’t seem to have a problem with it.  I just don’t get it.

And the internet dating? *rolls eyes*  I keep waiting for them to have that “Aha!” moment when they realize they need to stop looking for love on the internet.  There is none to be found.  There are just a bunch of horny men looking for quick hops in the sack.

Time and again they get their hopes up and then end up back in the group hurt and upset.  Then their self-esteem sinks yet lower.  I don’t understand why they torture themselves like that.

OHMIGOSH!!!! And one girl met one that had me like…pass him my number.  His peen doesn’t work because he had prostate cancer.  They had to remove everything that made his member rise.  I’m like, there is surgery for that.  Next problem?  Then she said he SEEMED clingy.  He might be.  Once that prostate is gone men become as emotional as women do.

How do I know?  Prostate Cancer was the specialty of The Boss Who Could Still Get It. *lol*  All that to say I wouldn’t have written him off just yet.  I’d need to know how much money he has.  For $17,000 they can correct that peen problem.  If he has insurance then it might cover it all together and he would not have to come up with any out of pocket money.  Then she wouldn’t mind his clingy behind with a nice, new, and harder than ever peen. *shrug*  And he probably wouldn’t be so clingy once he got a new peen that worked better than the old one.

I try not to talk too much.  I’ve temped a lot so I’ve had a lot of jobs.  I’ve met a lot of people and learned a little bit of everything.  I don’t care what topics they come up with I usually have a story.  But to be 44 years old and have all the stories I have can kind of make people look at you like you have got to be lying.

*chuckling* Like one time me and a coworker were discussing birth defects and I was telling her about a child my mother cared for when she was still a nurse who had been born with no brain.  My coworker burst out with: “You and your stories!  That can’t be true!”

As it so happened one of the doctors was walking by and I stopped her and asked her to validate my story.  Indeed the condition is called Anencephaly.  My coworker looked at me like suddenly she had to reevaluate me.  I realized then that she thought I had been lying or making up stories.  I do but I put them in works of fiction.  I got no need to make up stories IRL.  TPL taught me just how bad that is for the rep if ever I was tempted to do so.

Anyway, I’ve just been censoring myself since then.  Sometimes I get carried away and go on a story telling jag! *smh lol*  So, I just kind of listen IRL or read online.  Sometimes I comment and sometimes I don’t.  Still, I just feel weird sometimes like, why do these solutions seem like common sense to me and rocket science to others?

I have to remind myself that the troubles others are going through are their journey just like mine are my journey.  Still, it does make me wonder about my own sanity sometimes.  My writing has been a saving grace in that.  I just published my first e-book on Amazon!  Yeah me!  And I’ve sold 8 books. *lol*  And believe it or not I’m real tickled about it.  I am working hard on the sequel.

I declare one day after writing it was like I had drained my skull.  My head felt lighter.  I fell asleep and was out like a light!

So that is tricks.  So far everyone likes my car.  Eh.  I like the fact that it runs well.  My dream car was a Camry until they started accelerating on their own.  Now, I just like a car that spends more time on the road than in the shop.

Otherwise, God is good and all is right in His universe.

Baller Alert showcased on Anderson Cooper TV Show

*giggling like mad* So one of my favorite e-hang outs BA was showcased on the Anderson Cooper TV Show and it has begun. The deluge of newbies descending on the site to ask the same type of newbie questions. This happened after BA was mentioned on Fox News, a radio show, and some magazine and e-articles.

It is always the same. The old heads go into hiding because they don't want to be recognized and their game let out to their sponsors. Then you got the semi-new chicks trying to advise the newbies. *giggling*

All that came to a head last week when one of the true old heads came out of lurk mode to ask WTF kind of advice were some of these chicks giving people. lol Even I was kinda side eyeing the advice being given like, y'all need to sit down and be quiet and let one of the real ballerettes speak on some of this. *cackling*

Oh my gosh. It is a little disconcerting when you think about it. There are about 20-30 people who chat all the time. You really do forget that you are not alone and that there are a lot of eyes out there checking your every word.

I signed up with a site a couple years ago that I have never used. This site actually let you see how many people were online at any given time. So one day while there were 7 people actively commenting, there were over 1100 people online at the time. I was like, what are the rest of you doing? *chuckle*

I know that is called lurking. I do it over on Black n Bougie all the time. It was just kind of off-putting to realize how many people are reading your words.

It is just funny as all get out. One BA member who has been there since the first thread said she'd see us in June when the hoopla died down. lol And we ain't seen her since. lol

Some of these women really do report that they have sugardaddy / sugarbaby relationships that they don't want to jeopardize. If they truly have it the way they say then I can't blame them.

It is just funny in a crazy way.

TG is at it again.

*sighingly smh*  So long story short, she called herself getting back at her ex ES and ended up getting got.  I don’t know why she doesn’t just pack it up and go home.  None of her jobs are working out for her and she has been in that city coming up on a year now.  I don’t believe she has either told her family that they have broken up or she hasn’t told them he played her.  Either way, I don’t believe she is being honest with the folk at home.  She doesn’t want to hear ‘I told you so’.  She needs to put on her big girl drawers, tell everyone to say it one time to get it out of their system, and take her butt home.

I get the feeling that this isn’t the first time that this has happened to her which is the real reason she is reluctant to fess up and go home.  Last night, she reached out to the group for some truth.  Chile, the last time we tried to give her truth she got mad and laid folk out saying we didn’t know her.  That is true.  If we were her real friends we’d know the truth of her story because it doesn’t add up.

See as a friend, I know that MB3 exaggerates her stories a bit.  Not much but a bit so I always know where to dial it back when she calls.  I know when she’s mad, sad, depressed, happy, jealous, etc by the tone of her emails and her voice.

See as a friend, I know that TPL is just that, a pathological liar.  He cannot help himself.  But his azz has issues that have been verified so I know to cut him some slack about some things and when to pull back and let his azz know I’m pissed and he owes me an apology.  And because I’m one of the few friends who put up with the madness and *smh* fun that is TPL I get one.

See as a friend, I know that my BFL takes some finessing when it comes to talking about her problems.  It takes time for her to work out her emotions.  I know when she just needs me to listen and when she needs advice.  I know when she has called to laugh and when she just needs to type out a bytch session.  She has a husband and doesn’t want him to know what she’s bytching about until she’s ready to say it calmly and rationally.  When it is just simple and petty stuff she leaves the bytch mode in the emails with me.  When it is something serious I hear about what happened afterwards.

See as a friend, I know that MCB has a lot on her plate and that sometimes she just needs to unload.  She needs love and encouragement and help to see the positive side when all she can see are the negatives.  I’ve truly had to shock her into the reality of how good her life truly is.  She is a lot better than when we first met.  Now she is just happily exhausted most days and frustrated with her career on others.  Those frustrated days I remind her that she only has one more child to get out of the nest and then she is free to go and do as she pleases.  Two more years and she’s free.  She’s thinking of coming back to Maryland.  *Happy Spice*

I could go on but I’m already over the thousand word recommended limit for blog posts. *snickers*  So I’ll just say this, I don’t understand why she still has pics of the ex up.  I’m betting neither do her “friends”.

I’ll tell you what I believe.  I believe she hasn’t told the folk at home that they are over.  I believe she slept with him in hopes that she was winning him back.  I believe she needs to go on home and leave this mess behind.  Or move to another state.  Something.  Because nothing is panning out for her down there except more hurt.

We have a no gossip rule in the group so I gotta gossip somewhere about this. *snickers*

She asks why does it keep happening to her.  The answer is simple but none of them want to know it.  Especially not from me.  Someone who is just sitting back observing it all.  I know exactly what is wrong with this generation because quiet as it is kept even the men are dissatisfied with the status quo.

But this ain’t my journey.  It is hers and everyone that is going through it.  I can listen when they are venting but until they stop and pay attention to what they are doing wrong…repeatedly…like lemmings going over a cliff, there ain’t shyt I can say.  They don’t believe anything that comes out of my mouth or fingertips.  Even though I am just as content in my universe.  And in a minute, I’m a have a man and a healthy relationship and they are truly going to be fugged in the head about it because there is no way in the world that I should have either.  At least according to all the unhappy souls out there telling the world how miserable I’m supposed to be. *eyerolls*

TG shut the group down last night. *smh*  I know those insomniacs were up.  It was Friday and people had already started posting music and getting their drinks out. *smh*  But when they were thinking of booting her a few weeks ago a lot of the core group said they’d leave if she was booted.  They think they are her friends. *side eyeing the whole notion*

A friend would be able to pick up the phone and call someone in her family and tell them what is really going on with her.  They say her home life isn’t ideal.  Is anyone’s?  If she ain’t running from mental, physical, emotional, or sexual abuse then she needs to take herself home to people who love her and want to help her.  If she is running from any of the above then the last thing she needs to be doing is dating.  The first thing she needs to do is get herself to a qualified mental health specialist.  I already told them that I don’t think we are qualified to give the kind of help she needs.  They don’t understand what I mean and I don’t know how else to tell them.

We vent and move on in our group quite a bit.  That’s life.  There’s always going to be something to vetch about.  Chances are there is someone in there who can commiserate.  TG comes in with Tyler Perry script worthy drama.  Seriously.  I haven’t gone into the half, just the highlights out of respect for our privacy rules.

Funny, I had reservations about admitting her to the group but all her “friends” said she’d be a good fit.  So I kept my mouth shut.  Damn my instincts are good even over the internet.

I’m about done with fb.  I say that because the only thing holding me to it was my women’s group and I see TG bringing an end to it.  Either she’s gonna get booted or get mad and leave on her own and her “friends” will leave with her.  It takes a long time for people to realize what friends are.  My momma told me that when I was a teen throwing that word around.  It made me start to reevaluate my relationships.

Then maybe the group’s leader will find good replacements for those that leave. *shrug*  Shame, this is a good group and we offer each other a lot in so many ways.  We just can’t help TG.  She needs a professional.

*tips juice glass at monitor and goes to make breakfast*

I guess someone's feelings were hurt

So, last night after I posted yesterday’s blog I got on fb to see what everyone was up to, play a few games, and check some music posts.  I go to my woman’s group and look what one of the ladies posted. *chuckle*  Yup, posted by one of the ladies I thought was a bit miffed with me. Oh well.  Can’t agree all the time.

I’m glad I saw it after I dumped my argument here.  Last night I looked at it, chuckled good-naturedly and thought, ditto, hon, ditto.  Your argument still makes zero sense.  The only thing I cannot and will not willing accept from a bi-sexual man is his penis and because of that I’m intolerant and prejudiced in your mind. *smh*  Nope.  I don’t believe it and I’m not taking the bait ever again…in my woman’s group. *chuckle*

Intolerance is when you don’t want someone as your neighbor, coworker, boss, grocery clerk, President, doctor, lawyer, Indian Chief *chuckle*, etc. because of something about them that they were born with and cannot change.

My sexual orientation is one of those things I was born with and cannot change according to those whose orientation is homosexual.  My sexual orientation is heterosexual.  I prefer a heterosexual mate.  It is imperative to my sanity and continued good health.

The funny part is that there were a couple women who chimed in that they were open to being with a man whose sexual orientation is bi-sexual.  So there are women out there that they can be honest with and they’ll still want to be with them.  They just don’t feel that they should give a woman a chance to reject them.  They just need to man up and accept that not every woman, even the woman they think is perfect for them, is going to want to be in a sexual relationship with them.  Just like every man whose sexual orientation is heterosexual has to accept it.

Good grief.  I’m fat and there are lots of men who are not interested in being in a relationship with me.  That is their preference and they have a right to it.  And *gasp* I accept that. I'd rather be in a relationship with someone who accepts me as I am than try to hide some parts of me that they may not like. Then flipping it around to make it the other person's fault that you're lying to them. People really?

*smh in wonder*  It is just so weird how things have flip flopped.  Once upon a time people tried to change people whose sexual orientation was anything but heterosexual.  Well, in some places they are still trying.  Still people have yelled, screamed, protested, passed laws to protect people whose sexual orientation is not heterosexual and now they have the right to be with who they want.  Now, I got someone telling me that I don’t have the right to be with who I want because that is not acceptance? *head scratch* Yeah.  Her argument makes zero sense.

Then as I thought about it I realized that people this invested in an argument usually have something or someone they are thinking of when they argue so vehemently.  I don’t know who the bi-sexual is in her life but I wish them both wellness and honesty in their sexual relationships.

There are stories I could tell about this mess happening on the down low.  I know TPL has a friend I use to call Baby Hairs.  I called this guy Baby Hairs because he is a flaming queen who always had his baby hairs slicked down around his face. *chuckling*  Seriously, I couldn’t make that up in my wildest dreams.  The first time I met him I could barely get myself together to say hello.  A grown man coming up on 30 years of age with baby hairs greased and slicked down around his face like a little girl was something I had never seen before or since.

So I’d get updates from TPL as well as from Baby Hairs himself on the few occasions we all went out together.  So one day over lunch TPL says Baby Hairs is back to dating women.  I burst out laughing thinking it was all a big joke.  Yeah.  Right.  I say.  He kept assuring me that it was true.

I was like to each their own then because I thought that was taking fag hagdom to a new level.  TPL said they don’t know he is gay.  He has changed himself up to look like a thug.  I couldn’t even begin to imagine it.  I laughed all through his explanations.  To be noted here, at this time Baby Hairs had been diagnosed as HIV+.

TPL figured he could show me better than he could tell me because I knew him to be TPL at that point.  Why did he show up with this now 30 something man looking and sounding like a regular 30 something straight man?  All signs of the queen of baby hairs gone!

So now I had questions!  Most importantly, does/do the woman/women he’s having sex with know he’s HIV+.  TPL said he didn’t know and from his manner he didn’t care.  Normally, I go in for telling the long story but I’d like to forget this mess one day so I won’t immortalize his whole story.  Just know that he was at one point trying to get a woman pregnant while infected with HIV.  He goes back and forth when he’s feeling the need to know he can still pull women.  Sometime around the time TPL’s daughter started dating this no longer became funny to him and for a time they stopped speaking until Baby Hairs went back to dating men exclusively.  Baby Hairs’ family knew about his back and forth ways but never said a word to the women who he dated.

To be noted, I don’t care who Baby Hairs was dating, he should have been being honest about his HIV+ status with everyone.  TPL never seemed to want to answer my questions about who knew his status and who didn’t.  From the things that slipped down through the years the men knew and whether the women knew or not was never answered.

Though one time he almost got as good as he was giving.  One day he called up the woman he was trying impregnate to let her know he was on his way over to her place.  She told him fine but that they couldn’t have sex as she was having an outbreak.  He asked what she was talking about.  She then reminded him that she had herpes.  She had told him when they were just friends and then he forgot by the time they got around to being sex partners.  So he dumped her and went back to men because the last thing he needed was herpes and HIV.

So, she told him what she had but he didn’t feel the need to disclose what he had.  Uh huh.  Then it all came out in a messy court case. *eye rolls*

Child, I got so much of Baby Hairs drama from TPL through the years that I had to give him a new nickname that I shall not repeat here. *chuckle*

At any rate, I think I’ll be scarce for a bit to give the ladies a chance to cool off. 

They are almost all younger than me and we’ve had different experiences.  I understand that they’ve had a lot more positive ones than negative.  I think I’ve had a lot more negative than positive.  So I look at things a lot differently because I’ve seen the underbelly (love that word) of a lot of relationships, heterosexual and homosexual.  It ain’t all roses and butterfly kisses.

Oh well.  I still got three other places to hang out on the net and *sighs* I got plenty of stuff to do around the house.

*looks at some projects that need finishing*