Crossroads

I am standing at a great precipice in my life and…I am a little scared. I don’t know quite which way to go. Or should I go? Or…I know but I don’t want to know.

*head hurts*

*sigh*

I’m making this a lot more difficult than it has to be, aren’t I?

I am at a place in my life where it’s time to cut some dead weight. Figuratively and literally in a lot of ways and I am scared.

If I take the jump there are people that will be left behind. They’ve been with me so long and I am afraid to let them go. They’ve been there through the good and the bad, the highs and the lows, the laughter and the tears. But I am growing and they are not. But they have been there through so much for me…I…I just don’t know how to let go. I don’t know how to walk away. I don’t want to go.

There is at least one friend that I know has to go…

And there is part of me that I know has to go…

I don’t know what scares me more, losing the friend or that part of me.  It's not like friends are a dime a dozen these days.  And that part of me has been so integral to getting me where I am now.

There is a part of me that is still that little girl from the projects…and…she doesn’t fit in where I want to go.

*teary sigh*

I love that part of me. She is strong and smart and resilient. She is also small minded, ignorant, loud, crude and all things ghetto. She does not belong on cruise ships, Aspen, at jazz festivals, high tea, or on planes, trains or in limos.

I find myself slipping back and forth between where I want to go and who I can be and who I am/was. I love the possibilities of where I can go. But I love who I am/was. How do I just let go of the person that got me where I am? But I have to, don’t I? She does not belong. And it’s scaring me to death.

I feel like I am betraying who I am…but if I stay as I am then I betraying my future...oh hell. Why did I have to grow up?