I just figured it out...I think...

This life is a gift. It is a present. No matter how rich you are or poor you are. No matter how pretty you are or ugly you are on the outside. No matter how perfect or imperfect you are. None of this superficial shyt matters. None of it.

All that matters is that you take everything you got and use it to the best of your ability for all the best possible reasons.

The sins or wrongs come into play when you deprive someone of their joy. Their life. Their needs. Their purpose. Their evolution. Even if the person you are depriving is yourself.

I think the right to pursue life, liberty and happiness isn’t just a citizen of the USA thing. I think that is a human right.

I think I am about to change my life.
*tips ice tea glass at monitor*

Time to get focused.

I had an epiphany moment a few days ago. I was relaxing, looking at my tt and laughing at the shenanigans there. I was trying to decide which one of the other online blogs I was going to check out next when a thought occurred to me. A question really.

Where would I be if Twitter and x, y, z blogs had existed back when I was still an administrative assistant? The answer came swiftly. I would still be sitting in that spot, unhappy, still an admin, underpaid and at a dead end in my career.

*shudder* That realization shook me. The words blurred on the screen as I remembered were I had worked my way up from. What if I was still there? It gave me a start.

You see before Twitter and the other online spots I like to chat in came into being I spent my lunch hour and evenings job hunting. Looking for my next challenge. I don’t do that now and I’m beginning to feel the effects of my change in habits.

Now I will get started again. Everyone needs a little play time. I’ve played enough on this level. I wanna play with some new people in some new places who think. Yeah that’s it. People who actually just think for a change instead of having thoughts and ideas given to them.

I still got a couple blog posts to finish. I’ll try to get to them if I need a diversion. Somehow, I don’t think I will need a diversion. I have things to do. However, I would like to finish them and post them. My notes to a future me.

*smiles at something that I can’t quite explain*

My Obsession

I'm gonna make this quick cuz I just want to say it and move on.  I've been thinking about a lot of stuff since last I stopped by here. Still ruminating on MB3.  A lot of stuff going on in my life right now that's got me thinking about my life choices. No. Seriously. I got about 10 posts coming.

I like this whole blog thing believe it or not. And I wouldn't have believed it. I thought my little blurb about this blog being my therapy was a joke. I guess the joke is on me. I am actually working out some stuff in my head.

Baby steps. Baby steps.

Anyway, I wanted to say, I still miss My Obsession...just not as much.  Or it doesn't sting as much. He and I actually seem to frequent quite a few of the same blog sites. Go figure *shrug* great minds I guess. Anyway, on one he wrote that he had found someone that was making him really happy.

*sad frown*

I miss him but I'm happy for him, too.  Seeing that took away some of the sting of missing him.  I don't know if that makes sense or if that's even what I'm feeling.  I just know I was having a sadness within me about him and now, not so much sadness. The sadness came with a bit of sting and the sting is almost gone. I guess I just miss our friendship but really he doesn't have time anyway.

And I really am happy for him. *frown turns upside down* Now...back to working on my crazy azz. *chuckle*

*sits here shaking head at monitor as I contemplate lunch*

Crossroads

I am standing at a great precipice in my life and…I am a little scared. I don’t know quite which way to go. Or should I go? Or…I know but I don’t want to know.

*head hurts*

*sigh*

I’m making this a lot more difficult than it has to be, aren’t I?

I am at a place in my life where it’s time to cut some dead weight. Figuratively and literally in a lot of ways and I am scared.

If I take the jump there are people that will be left behind. They’ve been with me so long and I am afraid to let them go. They’ve been there through the good and the bad, the highs and the lows, the laughter and the tears. But I am growing and they are not. But they have been there through so much for me…I…I just don’t know how to let go. I don’t know how to walk away. I don’t want to go.

There is at least one friend that I know has to go…

And there is part of me that I know has to go…

I don’t know what scares me more, losing the friend or that part of me.  It's not like friends are a dime a dozen these days.  And that part of me has been so integral to getting me where I am now.

There is a part of me that is still that little girl from the projects…and…she doesn’t fit in where I want to go.

*teary sigh*

I love that part of me. She is strong and smart and resilient. She is also small minded, ignorant, loud, crude and all things ghetto. She does not belong on cruise ships, Aspen, at jazz festivals, high tea, or on planes, trains or in limos.

I find myself slipping back and forth between where I want to go and who I can be and who I am/was. I love the possibilities of where I can go. But I love who I am/was. How do I just let go of the person that got me where I am? But I have to, don’t I? She does not belong. And it’s scaring me to death.

I feel like I am betraying who I am…but if I stay as I am then I betraying my future...oh hell. Why did I have to grow up?