Are you ok?

*Laughing quietly to myself*

I have discovered twitter and I love it. Its a community of all these famous and non-famous strangers telling you about what is going on in their lives at any given moment. And I just love it. I can follow the President and there's even a White House Correspondent who tweets. I can follow my favorite entertainer or just some random person who is funny or thought provoking.

Like I said, I love it!

I, of course, add my own thoughts to Tweetland. I usually tweet from my cell and thought why not include my friends and family on my tweets. The results have been hilarious.

The kids love it and think I am the funniest person in the family. My adult family and friends on the other hand keep asking me "Are you ok?"

I answer yes but then I have to wonder. Am I ok if the adults keep questioning whether I am or not. I mean not everyone questions. A few know I am just goofing around and respond in kind. But a few are concerned.

I don't know if I am going to even try to allay their fears. Is that terrible of me?

*shrug*

I mean they are just my observations as I travel through the city. I see some pretty hilarious stuff sometimes. Like the guy who likes to dress in monochrome. The first time I saw him I thought it was St. Patty's day. He was in green from boller hat to pointed aligator-esque shoes. *chuckle* If only I could have gotten my cell phone camera together but I just kept fumbling around while I laughed.

Then there was the day when I actually saw a girl with an actual apple bottom in a pair of apple bottom jeans! It was a first. I see so many girls and women with bottoms that resemble hippo bottoms in apple bottom jeans. Its a trend I'd like to see stop. SOON!

Then there was the day I was thinking about not getting a dental procedure done because of the pain involved...until I saw the MTA employee with one tooth. State workers in my state have the best health and dental insurance and this man still had but one tooth. That, in my mind, speaks to self neglect. My mind has forever been changed. I just nod, smile and pay when my dentist speaks. I don't have the straightest teeth ever but heck they are there and they are healthy. I even floss now!

Recently, a friend asked me was I going through a midlife crisis. I responded nope! I did that last year, I'm just twisted. She responded with a chuckle and has settled into the fact that from time to time she is going to get some off the wall text from me.

I love hearing my family and friends smile. Everyone is so stressed out nowadays. Laughter is some of the best medicine around but it seems to be in short supply around here. I am just doing my little part to add some laughter to some folks lives.

And it helps me out, too. When I am having a rough day, I just look through some of my favorite tweets. My all time favorite is from Aimee_B_Loved: Most girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice. I'm made of liquor and wit and SO full of shyt. *chuckle* That should be on clothing.

It just feels good to know that there are a lot of funny people out there who are making people laugh and feel good.

I got rejected by a bunch of nerds...

And my feeling are hurt. Well dang! I was just trying to be friendly and stuff. Oh well, I have a lovely bottle of Cianti awaiting me at home well chilled. I know...getting drunk in the middle of a work week is a step closer to AA.

At least they serve donuts at their meetings...

Just Babbling

So, I am trying to find out what to do with my talents. I am nye unto sure that I can't possibly continue in this particular rat race until I retire. Not without becoming a raving lunatic or an alcoholic. I prefer to be a weekend drunk...no dang meetings. Alcoholics have do meetings and steps and stuff.

I know, just plain ignee-ant. LOL

Something has changed in me. I just ain't in the mood anymore.

I guess I have laughed and smiled when I felt like crying too much. I've let people walk all over me. That ain't the part that gets to me though because what goes around truly comes back around. I figured out a long time ago I could sit and plot revenge against those who have wronged me and just end up wasting my time. In the end God is so much better at it than me. I have seen people do things to me and get the exact same stuff thrown right back at them. They crumble and fail and I just keep on going. For my ability to keep moving I am grateful to God. For them that fails? Strangely I don't feel remorse them or triumphant over them.

I am amused...and I don't try to hide it. I point at it and laugh long and hard in their faces. If they try to say something to me about it I just point out what they did. It took a minute but guess what? I cut out a lot of silliness. People don't call me for all that dumb stuff that I use to listen to and sympathize with them.

After awhile I kept hearing the same nonsense over and over again and I started snapping on people. I lost some folk, oh well, and others started making some good changes in their lives.

Wish my wishy washy butt had snapped years ago. Oh well, you live and learn.

And people treat me a little different, now. Only the newbies try the stuff I have been through before and wonder how they end up back outside my door without a word from me.

I discovered this blog called Ohellnawl. The picture above is a panel from one of their cartoons. I took a look at my life and decided to quit this bytch too. Its just not enough fun. Life is so short.

I am through with people trying to tell me I am not happy because I am single. Yes, I am...sip your hatorade and know I don't care what you think anymore. I know one thing, I am happier without the knuckleheads I attract than I ever was with them. Something about me attracts knuckleheads. Nope, I ain't even gonna try to analyze it and fix it. What for when vibrators come in all shapes, sizes and colors...and attachments. And Sam's got batteries for dayzzzzz! LOL I just don't care anymore.

No more tripping over my body changes, or wrinkles, kisses or when to and not to have sex. Its over! I can just be free to be me. *big black woman doing a Julie Andrews Sound of Music twirl*

Smooches!

Dang!

Where have I been a whole year? Tooling around I guess. I took a new job at a place that is totally insane. At least I am not bored anymore. The problems of my job invade my space and my peace.

I guess what I finally figured out was that I wasn't looking for satisfaction in my job. I know...duh! Took me 41 years to come to that conclusion.

So, what do I find satisfation in? Still looking...but at least I am looking within. I know it starts there.

In the meantime, when the job starts to get to me, I self medicate. Gin is a wonderful thin'. I am a weekend drunk so I don't think I need to go to any meetings...yet.

I'll keep ya posted.

Remembering Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

I remember my mother reminiscing about his death. I remember she said I was still a baby in her arms the day he died. I remember her telling me how people rioted in the streets of Baltimore and burned the business district to the ground. She said it didn’t make sense to her because a FEW of the stores that were burned were the only NICE stores that would sell to blacks. You still had to shop in the basement of those stores though. And you had to check and recheck everything before you bought it because the items in the basement were usually returns from the Caucasian patrons and sometimes they came back dirty or damaged. But the stores would still sell them with new prices and for black patrons All Sales Are Final.

Sigh...

This morning, I heard a radio DJ speaking about the conspiracy theories about who killed Rev Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

Sigh...

That’s all anyone seems to want to dwell on. Who did it and why? Why can’t we dwell on what is important. Who he was, how he lived, and WHY he died.

Who he was to me?

He was a man. First, and foremost. No matter what faults you want to add to him. He was simply a man. But he was a man with a voice of reason cutting through the insanity of prejudice, war and sexism that you could not deny. His vision, to me, seemed to encompass the whole human race. The darker of us gave him birth, but the dream of a better world for EVERYONE was just that, for EVERYONE. No matter the color of your skin, how you decide to or not to worship God, what side of the Mason/Dixon line you live on, or which side of the equator for that matter.

Capitalism is not the enemy. Communism is not the enemy. Democracy is not the enemy. Imperialism is not the enemy. And dare I say it? Racism is not the enemy. Whatever you subscribe to is not the enemy. But rather how we behave toward each other. How we treat each other and the world around us. It is what is born in the heart of a person that affects that person and those around them. These things hold the whole of the human race back from reaching our highest potential. And we have such a wonderful potential for good, if only we would ALL reach for it.

How he lived. Again, its only the perception of a babe in the arms of her mother, but to me he lived to be a light shining the way toward a better future. A future where everyone has enough to eat, a place to live, and a fulfilling purpose in life. A future where they read about these struggles and just can’t comprehend what it must have been like in our here and now. A future where the color of your skin does not define your life. A future where the most important belief is one we all share. And that belief? That we may be different in our beliefs, politics, ethnicity, skin color, etc. but we are still all human beings and that is more important than anything else. In short, a future where we ALL actually do unto others as we would have them do unto us.

Why he died? Because we are still struggling and afraid. Some afraid we will never make and others afraid we will. Got you there, didn’t I? Why afraid we will make it?

Well, I was watching one of those news shows discussing the country with the highest citizen satisfaction. Its supposedly Finland. Who funds this type of research, I wonder, and how much did it cost me?

Anyway, the story went on and on about how people leave their children in their strollers/buggies outside of cafes while the parents go inside the café and enjoy their meals. How they are taxed 50% of their salary and all their medical and retirement needs are met. Crime rate low, etc, etc. You get the idea. There are socials and dances and people are content. Not happy, but content.

It sounds lovely. But I am not applying for citizenship anytime soon. Because even though the Finns trust their government and each other with impunity, I didn’t grow up in such a culture and I don’t know where I’d fit in there. There is that great fear that I wouldn’t be able to and would be an outcast. A loner. All the things we aspire NOT to be here in this world. In the USA, it doesn’t matter what you believe in, the color of your skin, etc, but there is always someone to join you in your beliefs...there...in Finland, did I mention they are all Caucasian?, I would be alone in my mistrust of the government system and people in general. I would not fit in and after 40-something years on this planet I can still be taught a lot of things but I don’t think I can be taught to just trust in people. So there is no place for me to belong.

Two paragraphs later, my answer to why Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King died is that others were afraid they would have no place in his future.

And still the struggle continues...may it not always be so.

Ok, picture this:

It is April 1st at about 5:45 pm on a Tuesday evening. I am sitting in my little green hornet at the red light at the intersection of Wasbash Avenue and Northern Parkway in Baltimore, MD (Charm City USA). Minding my own business and wondering why I am still working for a living. And having one of those talks with God that probably make Him rethink the whole making of me.

Anyway, I am in the right most lane. In the lane beside me (middle lane) there is a white car and infront of it a little red car and in front of that car a blue minivan. In front of the blue minivan is a black car that crossed in front of it in a ruse to get over to the left most lane.

I am sitting there fuming as my expensive gasoline turns into more fumes to add to the greenhouse affect going on in the world when I notice that the little red car starts to edge toward the blue minivan.

Where does he think he is going? I wonder because the light has shown no indication that it is ready to change to green. Cars are still whizzing by on Northern Parkway as I, on Wasbash, wait patiently to go.

Before I can blink - BANG! The red car hits the minivan.

Idiot! I think as I watch the guy in the red car and the guy in the minivan step out of their vehicles.

All of a sudden about 8-10 men start running by my car down Wasbash Avenue toward the two guys with guns out and pointing straight ahead and ready to shoot anything that moves! The driver of the red car grabs the driver of the blue minivan and drops him to the ground as the other men yell "Get down! Get down!"

At this point I am hoping, praying and assuming that these are police officers in plain clothes because I didn't see any badges displayed. They were holding their guns with both hands so that didn't leave a free hand to display a badge and that's perfectly understandable. I much prefer their guns to be steady, wouldn't you?

On the passenger side of my car is a grassy median strip and there is a car suddenly pulling up onto the grass beside me. Just as I start to get the idea that maybe I should be panicking the woman in the car in front of me - who by the way CUT ME OFF so she could be in front of me - panicks and throws her car into reverse and starts backing up. Suddenly, I am not so worried about all the men with guns drawn and raised because I know - after the day I have had - if the idiot in front of me backs into me she will be the next driver on the ground! There are about 10 cars behind me, a car beside me in the middle lane and an unmarked police car on the grassy median strip beside me. I have no where to go!

Just as her license plate disappears from my view and I brace for impact the light turns green, thank the Lord, and the car in front of her drives off. It took her another 10-15 seconds to get it together but she finally did and put her car in drive. You would think she should have been speeding through the light. Right?

Wrong! She recovered enough to stop and be nosey as we passed by. No, I didn't look as I passed by for fear I might see a family member or ex-boyfriend needing bail money or worse yet, calling out my name and having the police turn their guns my way...

I think I've come to a decision

Well they got back to me yesterday about the salary. Yes, HR is that slow. I am part of a very large company and that gives HR the excuse to be as slow as they like.

Anyway...the salary isn't that much more than what I make now. So what is my motivation to stay or go? I think more than anything else I am just struggling to keep up in my present job. This new job would be more of the same but safe...I could shine again. I don't shine now...ok, I have moments. But before I shined all the time. Everyone thought I was so great at my job and I was so bored I moved. Now I am bored again but not shining. Not shining at all.

I think...I'll still stay where I am. I do afterall have MOMENTS when I shine. And they are happening with a bit more frequency.

SIGH!