Bored with...?

I keep wondering what is wrong with me? Is this my midlife crisis? Am I just an exceptional flake? Or an ordinary flake as I fear? There are people in the world with real suffering in their lives who would trade places with me in a blink. And I wouldn't trade places with some of them if my life depended on it. I know this and still...I am bored? Is that it? ?Boredom?

How can that be? I have a life...somewhat. More life than a lot of people and less life than a lot of people. I think I am some where in the middle...stuck in the middle...that's where it seems like I am.

Hmm...I am not where I was which should make me happy. I am not the person I once was but I am not the person I wanted to be. All the "Feel Good About Yourself Anyway" movies, songs, etc seem to say that's life. Well, it sucks. Period. No exclamation point. Once upon a time it would have been something to be upset about. Now there is this awful resignation about it all.

When I was a 20-something we use to say "LIABATUDE" and laugh. Life Is A Bitch And Then U Die. How did we know? And now it is not funny anymore.

I sit at work and shuffle papers around full of numbers. I fill them out, correct them and pass them on to the next cog in the wheel that is this Organization. It is very important work they tell me. And if I stand back and look at it all the way I have been trained it really is important work. But when I look at this work I do with these 40 something eyes I wonder what is the point beyond my next paycheck. My paycheck that doesn't cover nearly what I thought it would when I thought how wonderful it would be to make what I now make. No one told me that inflation would outrun my dreams.

Sigh...all while I work, eat, commute, and do what is called living there is a little refrain in the back of my mind, What do I do now? What is my next step? And I WANT TO GO HOME!

I think I want to go home more than anything else.

Home not to a house or some other abode but to the place where I belong. Where this boredom does not constantly drag at my spirit. Where I am excited about life and the fact that I am not what I wanted to be doesn't matter. Because somehow I don't think the life that I planned would have made me any less bored or kept the questions away.