The telling of me

I ain’t telling y’all jack!

Sike! :o)

Ok, so I seent (not a typo I love pronouncing this word this way) on one of the blogs I lurk a post about being honest about yourself and telling a few personal details and I thought I'd give it a go.
As I sat thinking and grinning about some of the things I wanted to share…I realized…that…some…things…could (depending on the statute of limitations)…get me arrested.

*blink blink*

Ah...no! This is one of my favorite mantras:

Ahem…Anyplace dyck ain’t running free is not for me!

I am doing my very best to stay out of places that submit you to random azz cavity searches that are in no way fun or pleasurable for me. Being traded for cigarettes is a no no. And I am not even bi-curious. Except online. *Kanye shrug* I don't understand it either.

There are reasons me and my partner in crime call each other partners in crime. I so wish I was joking…*big sigh and eye roll while smh* That said, there’s just some stuff that I can’t fess up to until I consult with my attorney about the statute of limitations on some stuff.

Dang…I really been bad, huh? I mean, I ain’t kilt (yes, kilt) anyone. I just use to be down for whatever my friends wanted to do. I thought I was having fun at the time. *chuckle* So it took me some time to come up with things I could tell without…ya know, getting into trouble. *smirk up at my wobbling halo*

*half smirk* I was having fun most of the time. You know how that is.

When I was a child I spoke as a child I understood as a child I thought as a child; but when I became a man I put away childish things. I Cor. 13: 11.

I am growing up. Yes, I am still growing up. I still like cereal in bed while watching my two favorite Saturday morning cartoons. *sticks tongue out at monitor*

Now that I am finally growing up, nope I ain’t grown yet, I have stopped doing a lot of the stuff I use to do. Like partying all dang night during the work week, stumbling in drunk at 3 am, deciding to stay up and fix breakfast so I can sober up, and drag my azz to work. Yeah, I know that’s pretty tame right there.

Let’s see. What else can I fess up on without having to submit to random non-sexual cavity searches?

I can be tactless at times. And I can be cruel. When I was in my teens and twenties I would spew every thought that entered my mind. I did that until I looked up and saw tears in a friend’s eyes. I had really hurt her feelings and it had not been my intention. That night I learned to think long before I spoke.

I still think tactless and mean thoughts from time to time. I just keep them to myself. Usually when I am being mean spirited it means that it’s time for a vacation.

Oh! In college, I thought I was gonna fail an exam so I decided to get drunk before the exam so I wouldn’t care. I aced the dang thing and passed the class! LOL Go figure. I do not espouse doing that, however. *looks around nervously hoping my godson isn’t lurking*

Also, my freshman year in college me and some friends got nekkid and put on raincoats with the idea we were going to go around campus flashing guys. Luckily, when we got outside in the cold night air we sobered up a bit. We realized just how stupid that idea was and promptly headed back to the dorm.

I lost my virginity at age 19 to a pathological liar. *big sigh and smh* I actually had my first orgasm at a much earlier age. I ain’t sure whether I should tell it right now. Maybe on another post. *tee hee*

I am 41 years old presently and me and my oldest sister didn’t get along the first 35 years of my life. Truth. You had to have met her back in the day. We have both changed enough that we can spend up to 4 hours in each other’s presence without fighting. At 4 hours and 1 minute call 911 cuz there is about to be a misunderstanding betwixt us that may lead to a physical altercation. I adhere to this timeline at all familial functions. I am trying to stay off the news for ignant unnecessary ish.

I have 3 older sisters. Poppa was a rolling stone so I also got a half brother and two half sisters floating around out there somewhere, too. I am, however, the youngest of them all. And I don’t think…*cough* I am…*wheeze* spoiled…ok, let me stop playin’ before a lightning bolt strikes me in the forehead. I am spoiled nicely. I am not rotten. Yet.

I am single with no kids. *gets up to do the Stanky Leg ends up looking like the Funky Chicken*

I thought I would be married by now with a couple crumb snatchers by now. *shrug* I am still having fun so I guess it’s all good. And I am 41 years old so no there will be no last minute kids coming up outta here. It. Ain’t. Happening.

I wanted children once upon a time *shrug* but the window of opportunity came and went. I couldn’t find a husband that was right for me and who I was right for.

I've had three chances to get married so far. The first guy, I use to think I didn’t fight hard enough for him before I matured enough to know he should have been fighting for me.

The second, I would have had to change who I am and I like me. I really do like me. With all my silly goof ups, missteps, falls, tumbles and imperfections, I still like being me. That said, I let that one pass, too.

The third guy? It was at that desperate time in my young womanly life when all my girlz were getting married. I wanted to join the married ladies club too. Then my old hair stylist, Teresa, gave me some advice followed by her example and I let that one pass too. Teresa told me that as all my girlfriends got married I was gonna wanna be part of the club. That I was gonna wanna marry the next guy that asked me. She said don’t do it unless I am sure he is the one I want. It’s not worth it otherwise. Then came the example not too many weeks later. I use to go weekly to get my hairdo done.

It was obvious to anyone, that Teresa’s husband loved his wife. He would be there any time she called for whatever she needed. He loved his wife and put her first in all things. One particular Saturday afternoon he displeased her. I can’t remember what Teresa’s husband did to displease her but I remember the explosion. She…dang…she destroyed this man in her salon, in public, in a room full of women. And we womenfolk all felt sorry for the husband. I remember us sitting in uncomfortable silence the whole time she lit into him. When he left, he said not one word and he had tears in his eyes. And I looked around and got the general consensus that none of us believed that he deserved what he got. It was a real quiet afternoon in the hair salon that Saturday.

The third guy reminded me a lot of Teresa’s husband. He loved me, was very affectionate and was happy with me just as I was. But I didn’t stay as I was. I was and am in transformation. He was happy and satisfied with his life as it was. He had absolutely no ambition to do anything more than what he was doing at that time. And he didn't want to be prodded, molded, and changed into what anyone else him to be either. I applaud him but...

*blinkity blink blink*

I had already outgrown him. Sad but true. I never wanted to do to him what I’d seen done to someone else. Her tirade was more than likely borne out of frustration with herself for settling. In the end she made two people unhappy. I am pretty content as I am now. But back then I wanted more and to do better and keep striving and moving. I am not that same person now and I am glad I let him go.

Now, I don’t think I am wifey material. I have discovered I am a side piece. More about that discovery later. *wink*

Oh snap! How could I forget potential mate # 4! *smacks self in the head* Jeez Louise! I met this guy at a temp job. He seemed nice enough but after 2 lunch dates and a dinner date he was ready to marry me.

*side eye left...side eye right*

I'm cute, I'm nice, and I'm funny but that in no way means that you should be ready to marry me after 2 lunches and a dinner date. Period. I can also be evil first thing in the morning. We hadn't even gotten intimate yet and he was asking me what kind of house I wanted to live in. I thought that was really great...at first. Until he showed up at my desk with an architectual magazine showing me his dream house. I liked the house. I still wasn't sure how I felt about him but I told him that my dream was to live at the beach so that I could watch the sun rise over the ocean every morning.

He responded that he'd sell his home and we could move to the eastern shore (Maryland). His only request is that we live bay side and he would use his boat to take me to ocean side every morning so I could see my sunrise.

That was sweet but a little too fast on the draw for me. My lack of enthusiasm threw him and he soon faded out too.

Every now and again, when I'm having a particularly hard day at work or in a personal relationship his face pops up in my memory. I realize I could be on the eastern shore now living with my husband and stepson totally oblivious to the madness that is driving me crazy at that particular moment. I shared that with my BFFL (best friend for life, I hope) and she put it in perspective for me. She said "Girl, for all you know you could be on the run for your life from that psycho now. Come on now, 2 lunches and 1 dinner date and he's ready to get married?"

True. So, I though I still have rough times I don't think about him wistfully anymore.

*Tapping chin*

I’ve never been pregnant but I’ve had a couple pregnancy scares. I prayed and I cried like a baby each time for those tests to come back in the negative. Both times I was in my 20’s but the guys weren’t about jack. They were not what I wanted for my baby’s daddy. After the second scare I stopped playing around with my birth control.

I am the youngest of my momma's four girls. I am spoiled ever so nicely. That is my story until I meet The Donald (call me) or The Donaldesque (please call me). After that I’ll be spoiled rotten and they will be very happy with the end result. Spoil me and I won’t turn into a mean heffa. Of course, unless that’s what you want me to be. *wink wink*

Oh yeah, I hate PETA cuz if I ever get The Donald (or someone with Donaldesque pockets) caught up and mesmerized by my cinnamon chocolate swirl, I am getting a chalet (no I cannot ski for ish I just love snow) and a mink blanket, and mink rugs, and mink pillowcases, and satin sheets (don’t wanna overdo it with the mink) and a mink coat in every classy and/or tacky color you can think of in various lengths.

All my minks will be euthanized ethically and with dignity and if PETA don’t like it I really don’t care. We will just agree to disagree like grown ups are supposed to do. But if they put paint on my minks then I am gonna have to call Pookie and ‘nem and start a war. And Pookie and ‘nem don’t give a shyt. They will kill you over a box of chicken.[Couple Robbed At Gunpoint For Chicken]

Now, I can feel peoplez getting bent out of shape like how am I just gonna go cold golddigger on y’all? It’s simple math really. Con men and other broke azz men, I am financially challenged (no money) with bad credit. *Shivers!* I just felt a great disturbance in the web. Did you feel the browsers shut down? *chuckle*

To the average everyday Joe, you can’t afford to get all caught up in my cinnamon chocolate swirl. Let me tell you what will happen. I will meet you, charm you, sex you, and OWN you. All of that coupled with the fact that I love sex and I am a great cook will have you mesmerized. And I’ll be happy with your azz for one hot minute, too. Then, cuz the devil just likes to mess with me, The Donald or The Donaldesque will finally fall into my swirl zone and become my personal ATM. Then it will be time for me to let you, average Joe, go. By this time you are beyond sprung and then you be done gone all Joe Palczynski and ish. [Joe Palczynski: A Legacy Of Pain]

So to save time and lives, I am holding out for The Donald (call me) or The Donaldesque (call me). I ain’t picky when your ends not only meet but can wrap around a plus sized swirler like myself several times.

Ok, this got a lot longer than I thought. I guess I had a lot to tell afterall...even without the um...otherstuff.

Are you ok?

*Laughing quietly to myself*

I have discovered twitter and I love it. Its a community of all these famous and non-famous strangers telling you about what is going on in their lives at any given moment. And I just love it. I can follow the President and there's even a White House Correspondent who tweets. I can follow my favorite entertainer or just some random person who is funny or thought provoking.

Like I said, I love it!

I, of course, add my own thoughts to Tweetland. I usually tweet from my cell and thought why not include my friends and family on my tweets. The results have been hilarious.

The kids love it and think I am the funniest person in the family. My adult family and friends on the other hand keep asking me "Are you ok?"

I answer yes but then I have to wonder. Am I ok if the adults keep questioning whether I am or not. I mean not everyone questions. A few know I am just goofing around and respond in kind. But a few are concerned.

I don't know if I am going to even try to allay their fears. Is that terrible of me?

*shrug*

I mean they are just my observations as I travel through the city. I see some pretty hilarious stuff sometimes. Like the guy who likes to dress in monochrome. The first time I saw him I thought it was St. Patty's day. He was in green from boller hat to pointed aligator-esque shoes. *chuckle* If only I could have gotten my cell phone camera together but I just kept fumbling around while I laughed.

Then there was the day when I actually saw a girl with an actual apple bottom in a pair of apple bottom jeans! It was a first. I see so many girls and women with bottoms that resemble hippo bottoms in apple bottom jeans. Its a trend I'd like to see stop. SOON!

Then there was the day I was thinking about not getting a dental procedure done because of the pain involved...until I saw the MTA employee with one tooth. State workers in my state have the best health and dental insurance and this man still had but one tooth. That, in my mind, speaks to self neglect. My mind has forever been changed. I just nod, smile and pay when my dentist speaks. I don't have the straightest teeth ever but heck they are there and they are healthy. I even floss now!

Recently, a friend asked me was I going through a midlife crisis. I responded nope! I did that last year, I'm just twisted. She responded with a chuckle and has settled into the fact that from time to time she is going to get some off the wall text from me.

I love hearing my family and friends smile. Everyone is so stressed out nowadays. Laughter is some of the best medicine around but it seems to be in short supply around here. I am just doing my little part to add some laughter to some folks lives.

And it helps me out, too. When I am having a rough day, I just look through some of my favorite tweets. My all time favorite is from Aimee_B_Loved: Most girls are made of sugar and spice and everything nice. I'm made of liquor and wit and SO full of shyt. *chuckle* That should be on clothing.

It just feels good to know that there are a lot of funny people out there who are making people laugh and feel good.

I got rejected by a bunch of nerds...

And my feeling are hurt. Well dang! I was just trying to be friendly and stuff. Oh well, I have a lovely bottle of Cianti awaiting me at home well chilled. I know...getting drunk in the middle of a work week is a step closer to AA.

At least they serve donuts at their meetings...

Just Babbling

So, I am trying to find out what to do with my talents. I am nye unto sure that I can't possibly continue in this particular rat race until I retire. Not without becoming a raving lunatic or an alcoholic. I prefer to be a weekend drunk...no dang meetings. Alcoholics have do meetings and steps and stuff.

I know, just plain ignee-ant. LOL

Something has changed in me. I just ain't in the mood anymore.

I guess I have laughed and smiled when I felt like crying too much. I've let people walk all over me. That ain't the part that gets to me though because what goes around truly comes back around. I figured out a long time ago I could sit and plot revenge against those who have wronged me and just end up wasting my time. In the end God is so much better at it than me. I have seen people do things to me and get the exact same stuff thrown right back at them. They crumble and fail and I just keep on going. For my ability to keep moving I am grateful to God. For them that fails? Strangely I don't feel remorse them or triumphant over them.

I am amused...and I don't try to hide it. I point at it and laugh long and hard in their faces. If they try to say something to me about it I just point out what they did. It took a minute but guess what? I cut out a lot of silliness. People don't call me for all that dumb stuff that I use to listen to and sympathize with them.

After awhile I kept hearing the same nonsense over and over again and I started snapping on people. I lost some folk, oh well, and others started making some good changes in their lives.

Wish my wishy washy butt had snapped years ago. Oh well, you live and learn.

And people treat me a little different, now. Only the newbies try the stuff I have been through before and wonder how they end up back outside my door without a word from me.

I discovered this blog called Ohellnawl. The picture above is a panel from one of their cartoons. I took a look at my life and decided to quit this bytch too. Its just not enough fun. Life is so short.

I am through with people trying to tell me I am not happy because I am single. Yes, I am...sip your hatorade and know I don't care what you think anymore. I know one thing, I am happier without the knuckleheads I attract than I ever was with them. Something about me attracts knuckleheads. Nope, I ain't even gonna try to analyze it and fix it. What for when vibrators come in all shapes, sizes and colors...and attachments. And Sam's got batteries for dayzzzzz! LOL I just don't care anymore.

No more tripping over my body changes, or wrinkles, kisses or when to and not to have sex. Its over! I can just be free to be me. *big black woman doing a Julie Andrews Sound of Music twirl*

Smooches!

Dang!

Where have I been a whole year? Tooling around I guess. I took a new job at a place that is totally insane. At least I am not bored anymore. The problems of my job invade my space and my peace.

I guess what I finally figured out was that I wasn't looking for satisfaction in my job. I know...duh! Took me 41 years to come to that conclusion.

So, what do I find satisfation in? Still looking...but at least I am looking within. I know it starts there.

In the meantime, when the job starts to get to me, I self medicate. Gin is a wonderful thin'. I am a weekend drunk so I don't think I need to go to any meetings...yet.

I'll keep ya posted.

Remembering Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

I remember my mother reminiscing about his death. I remember she said I was still a baby in her arms the day he died. I remember her telling me how people rioted in the streets of Baltimore and burned the business district to the ground. She said it didn’t make sense to her because a FEW of the stores that were burned were the only NICE stores that would sell to blacks. You still had to shop in the basement of those stores though. And you had to check and recheck everything before you bought it because the items in the basement were usually returns from the Caucasian patrons and sometimes they came back dirty or damaged. But the stores would still sell them with new prices and for black patrons All Sales Are Final.

Sigh...

This morning, I heard a radio DJ speaking about the conspiracy theories about who killed Rev Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

Sigh...

That’s all anyone seems to want to dwell on. Who did it and why? Why can’t we dwell on what is important. Who he was, how he lived, and WHY he died.

Who he was to me?

He was a man. First, and foremost. No matter what faults you want to add to him. He was simply a man. But he was a man with a voice of reason cutting through the insanity of prejudice, war and sexism that you could not deny. His vision, to me, seemed to encompass the whole human race. The darker of us gave him birth, but the dream of a better world for EVERYONE was just that, for EVERYONE. No matter the color of your skin, how you decide to or not to worship God, what side of the Mason/Dixon line you live on, or which side of the equator for that matter.

Capitalism is not the enemy. Communism is not the enemy. Democracy is not the enemy. Imperialism is not the enemy. And dare I say it? Racism is not the enemy. Whatever you subscribe to is not the enemy. But rather how we behave toward each other. How we treat each other and the world around us. It is what is born in the heart of a person that affects that person and those around them. These things hold the whole of the human race back from reaching our highest potential. And we have such a wonderful potential for good, if only we would ALL reach for it.

How he lived. Again, its only the perception of a babe in the arms of her mother, but to me he lived to be a light shining the way toward a better future. A future where everyone has enough to eat, a place to live, and a fulfilling purpose in life. A future where they read about these struggles and just can’t comprehend what it must have been like in our here and now. A future where the color of your skin does not define your life. A future where the most important belief is one we all share. And that belief? That we may be different in our beliefs, politics, ethnicity, skin color, etc. but we are still all human beings and that is more important than anything else. In short, a future where we ALL actually do unto others as we would have them do unto us.

Why he died? Because we are still struggling and afraid. Some afraid we will never make and others afraid we will. Got you there, didn’t I? Why afraid we will make it?

Well, I was watching one of those news shows discussing the country with the highest citizen satisfaction. Its supposedly Finland. Who funds this type of research, I wonder, and how much did it cost me?

Anyway, the story went on and on about how people leave their children in their strollers/buggies outside of cafes while the parents go inside the café and enjoy their meals. How they are taxed 50% of their salary and all their medical and retirement needs are met. Crime rate low, etc, etc. You get the idea. There are socials and dances and people are content. Not happy, but content.

It sounds lovely. But I am not applying for citizenship anytime soon. Because even though the Finns trust their government and each other with impunity, I didn’t grow up in such a culture and I don’t know where I’d fit in there. There is that great fear that I wouldn’t be able to and would be an outcast. A loner. All the things we aspire NOT to be here in this world. In the USA, it doesn’t matter what you believe in, the color of your skin, etc, but there is always someone to join you in your beliefs...there...in Finland, did I mention they are all Caucasian?, I would be alone in my mistrust of the government system and people in general. I would not fit in and after 40-something years on this planet I can still be taught a lot of things but I don’t think I can be taught to just trust in people. So there is no place for me to belong.

Two paragraphs later, my answer to why Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King died is that others were afraid they would have no place in his future.

And still the struggle continues...may it not always be so.

Ok, picture this:

It is April 1st at about 5:45 pm on a Tuesday evening. I am sitting in my little green hornet at the red light at the intersection of Wasbash Avenue and Northern Parkway in Baltimore, MD (Charm City USA). Minding my own business and wondering why I am still working for a living. And having one of those talks with God that probably make Him rethink the whole making of me.

Anyway, I am in the right most lane. In the lane beside me (middle lane) there is a white car and infront of it a little red car and in front of that car a blue minivan. In front of the blue minivan is a black car that crossed in front of it in a ruse to get over to the left most lane.

I am sitting there fuming as my expensive gasoline turns into more fumes to add to the greenhouse affect going on in the world when I notice that the little red car starts to edge toward the blue minivan.

Where does he think he is going? I wonder because the light has shown no indication that it is ready to change to green. Cars are still whizzing by on Northern Parkway as I, on Wasbash, wait patiently to go.

Before I can blink - BANG! The red car hits the minivan.

Idiot! I think as I watch the guy in the red car and the guy in the minivan step out of their vehicles.

All of a sudden about 8-10 men start running by my car down Wasbash Avenue toward the two guys with guns out and pointing straight ahead and ready to shoot anything that moves! The driver of the red car grabs the driver of the blue minivan and drops him to the ground as the other men yell "Get down! Get down!"

At this point I am hoping, praying and assuming that these are police officers in plain clothes because I didn't see any badges displayed. They were holding their guns with both hands so that didn't leave a free hand to display a badge and that's perfectly understandable. I much prefer their guns to be steady, wouldn't you?

On the passenger side of my car is a grassy median strip and there is a car suddenly pulling up onto the grass beside me. Just as I start to get the idea that maybe I should be panicking the woman in the car in front of me - who by the way CUT ME OFF so she could be in front of me - panicks and throws her car into reverse and starts backing up. Suddenly, I am not so worried about all the men with guns drawn and raised because I know - after the day I have had - if the idiot in front of me backs into me she will be the next driver on the ground! There are about 10 cars behind me, a car beside me in the middle lane and an unmarked police car on the grassy median strip beside me. I have no where to go!

Just as her license plate disappears from my view and I brace for impact the light turns green, thank the Lord, and the car in front of her drives off. It took her another 10-15 seconds to get it together but she finally did and put her car in drive. You would think she should have been speeding through the light. Right?

Wrong! She recovered enough to stop and be nosey as we passed by. No, I didn't look as I passed by for fear I might see a family member or ex-boyfriend needing bail money or worse yet, calling out my name and having the police turn their guns my way...